Imagine having full ejaculation control. You can make love with your partner as long as you want. You can fuck her as hard as you want, as long as you want, in any position you want, without cumming, unless you wanted to.
Maybe you can already last for quite a while but would like to be able to keep going for hours. Maybe your sessions, from the moment of penetration onwards, last the average amount of time; five to seven minutes, and going for 15 plus sounds awesome. Maybe you’re struggling to even make it to five minutes.
Wherever you’re at, the information and techniques on ejaculation control here will help you take control of your sexual energy, build your sexual prowess, and your confidence both inside and outside of the bedroom.
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- Our Ejaculation Mastery Training Guide »
How do I know what I’m talking about? Because I used to be somewhere between the ‘going five to seven minutes’, and ‘wishing I could even make it to five minutes’ range. In the past I did some of the things that you might find in other advice columns on how to last longer in bed – wore condoms to reduce sensitivity, used alcohol to relax, jacked off before a big date, tried to think about unsexy things like my grandmother naked, etc. Sometimes these approaches worked ok, but I still didn’t have much stamina, and I never had much confidence.
Sex was always fraught with the fear, ‘what if I cum too soon?’ Occasionally there was so much stress that I couldn’t even get it up. There were times when I could go on for a while, but there were just as many times that I lost it too quick, leading to embarrassment, shame and further destroying my confidence.
Six years ago I was introduced to Tantra – a spiritual system entwined with Yoga that also embraces sexuality. Tantra is about expansion of the consciousness, and sexual Tantra accepts that we spontaneously have these high states of consciousness, manifesting as love, bliss & presence, when we orgasm. And the more powerful the orgasm, the more powerful this expansion.
However, the normal male orgasm lasts only a few seconds, and most women cannot orgasm at all in that five to seven minute window, and need at least 20 minutes of lovemaking to have deep internal orgasms. So in the circles that practice Tantric sexuality, there are many techniques to extend lovemaking. After learning and practicing these ejaculation control techniques I can now routinely make love for over an hour, not including foreplay.
So what are these techniques?
Well first of all, don’t do any of the things I mentioned before. Don’t use alcohol for sexual prowess, don’t try and distract yourself, don’t ‘let of steam’ by ejaculating before sex.
So what do you do?
1. Relax, and Breathe
Seriously. Don’t just tell yourself to relax, actually relax. If the body is tense and contracted, then things just don’t flow that well, and the sexual energy will be tend to be trapped in the area of the genitals. Often when fighting the need to ejaculate, men will tense up the entire body, more and more and more, until you pass the ‘point of no return’, and explode. However counterintuitive it may be – staying relaxed in all the muscles of the body actually gives you much more ejaculation control. For starters, there is a link between body and mind, so a relaxed body will help you have a relaxed mind. Also when you do ejaculate there is a series of muscles contractions in the genitalia and sexual system, and ejaculation cannot happen if these contractions do not happen, and these contractions cannot happen if your body is relaxed. Of course, this takes practice.
Everything that I will share in this article TAKES PRACTICE.
There is no quick fix, or magic pill. Ok there is a magic pill, but add that to the list of things you should not do. For many reasons, but most importantly because if you rely upon this then your prowess is based on an external support, and you will not have real confidence.
So it will take practice to retrain your body to stay relaxed during lovemaking. And the very best support for this is your breath. If your breath stays normal and relaxed, the rest of your body will stay normal and relaxed too. So paying attention to your breath, when it starts to speed up, then slow down your movements until the breath slows. Given time and practice (and who won’t like this kind of practice?) you can even engage is hyper-vigorous sex and still keep your breath flowing smoothly, and your body relaxed.
2. Pay Attention, Be Present, Bring Your Awareness Into the Body
Rather than distract ourselves by thinking of something boring or unsexy, Tantra recommends the opposite – pay even more attention. Bring your attention to the pleasure you are feeling. Bring your awareness into your body, and your partner’s body. This goes hand in hand with the advice of paying attention to your breath but goes further.
One of the truths about men is that generally, they are not very aware of their bodies. In sex this shows up that most men don’t experience too much pleasure outside of the penis. Which is incredibly unfortunate – the entire body is an erogenous zone. Ever heard of full body orgasms? Well you can have them! But you need to learn to pay attention to the other parts of the body, to learn to feel pleasure there, to learn to spread the energy and pleasure there.
So next time that you are making love, or masturbating, focus not only on the obvious sensations in the penis, but focus on other parts of the body. Maybe your belly, or your hands. And see if you are able to mentally spread some of the pleasure building up in the genitals to those parts of your body. This may sound strange, but just try it. Touch that part of your body, scratch it, have your partner kiss it or caress it, and just notice how the pleasure and energy can expand beyond that one focal point. And when the pleasure and energy expand it allows for more energy to build up in the lingam – the Sanskrit and Tantric word for penis – without that need to explode.
Practicing Yoga, Qi Gong, meditation, or martial arts will also help you to bring awareness into the body, and develop your ability to focus your mind and be present.
3. Learn to Move Your Sexual Energy
There are many techniques in the Tantra tradition that are working specifically with sexual energy. To master ejaculation control, what we want to learn to do is to sublimate this energy – that is to lift it out of the sexual organs, along the spine to other parts of the body. There are two very simple ways to do this:
The first is to again use the breath, but this time in a specific way. This technique comes from the Taoist tradition and is called the ‘Microcosmic Orbit’. Basically, as you breathe, you imagine or visualize the breath and energy moving in the system. Its moving down the front of your body as you breath in, all the way down into the genitals and pelvic floor, and as you exhale this energy travels up the back, through the spine, to the very top of the head. You can practice this alone, as a meditation technique, or during masturbation, or during sex. Give it a try and notice the effects.
The second simple practice is whats called mula bandha in Tantra or Kegel exercises in the west – the contraction of the muscles of the pelvic floor. WAIT! You told us to stay relaxed. Yes that is true, in general staying relaxed creates the best conditions for controlling your ejaculation. However when we train the muscles of the pelvic floor we are building our stamina, toning all the parts of the physical body in the region – and this practice should be done outside of lovemaking, and can be done anywhere, anytime.
To practice, just squeeze all the muscles of the pelvic floor, as tight as you can, and hold that for three seconds. Then relax the muscles completely for three seconds and repeat. There are many possible different ways to train these muscles, but this ‘pulsing’ is the one that I recommend as it can seamlessly be included into actual lovemaking.
To add this to lovemaking occasionally pulse the muscles of the pelvic floor, while visualizing this pulse sending the energy upwards. That’s it. Don’t wait until you’re too close and feel that you might explode. Start doing this right at the beginning, and it will help to flush the energy up, making room for new and more energy.
Ejaculation Control: Now It’s Up to You
Though there are much more tips and techniques, these three are the real foundation for fully learning to control your sexual energy.
If you are struggling and want more guidance, check out our training guide:
When you can control ejaculation, with full confidence can fuck like you want to, this confidence will show it in every area of your life – more confidence in the bedroom translates to more confidence at work, with your friends, in your relationship, everywhere.
In Tantra it is understood that the sexual energy is the most powerful energy in the human being, and by building up more and more of this energy within us, we become empowered in all sorts of ways. It’s seen as so important that in Tantra men actually learn to never ejaculate, but instead to sublimate all of the energy up into the energy structure. This is how powerful these energy techniques are – that you can make love for hours on end, not cum, and still never have blueballs. All the sexual energy flushes up along the spine, activating the heart, and enlivening the brain.
I hope that you take and practice these ejaculation control techniques and you become the type of lover that you have always wanted to be. That you master your sexual energy. That you learn to go for hours, giving your partner incredible amounts of pleasure and insane orgasms. That this confidence flows into all the other areas of your life. That you become fully grounded in your masculine power, with a powerful erection, a fire in the belly, a fiercely loving heart, an open mind, a powerful sense of presence.
To make that happen, start practicing NOW. Take any one of these techniques; breath or body awareness, microcosmic orbit, kegel exercises, or even simple relaxation, and do it right this moment, for ten minutes.