Last night I had a client call me from the other side of the world who told me of his fear of sexual intimacy. His fear being that he wouldn’t be able to perform, to please his partner, to get an erection – because he’d been in situations like that over and over again and every time the girl would leave him, because he didn’t know how to control erections. And it hurt. It made him afraid of sexual intimacy. Of women. Of commitment. Of love. It made him feel worthless, not good enough.
But he’d fallen in love with someone beautiful and didn’t want to loose her. So he did, what he felt he needed to do in order to “keep” her – he took Viagra to sexually please her.
But his “problem” wasn’t gone and without Viagra he found himself falling into his belief-pattern of “Oh no.. What if I can’t get it up?” and when he did get it up naturally, he’d then think “OK. Now I’m hard. What do I do? Do I rush it? Should I make a move? What if I loose it?” And safe to say – he’d then loose his erection.
Erection issues are a common “problem” amongst men.
Most men don’t speak about it as they feel ashamed and not like “real” men – because “real” men obviously always walk around with a stiffy, right? “Real” men are always ready to have sex, right? Hmm..
So it makes them shy away from sex and intimacy. It makes them uncomfortable when their partner tries to seduce them. It creates an intimate dis-connection.
I obviously don’t have a penis and have never had erection “problems”. However.. I’ve professionally dealt with many men who have had these “please.get.hard.dick.problems”, and know that it is a vicious circle to break.
It kinda looks like this: The more we pressure ourselves into being something, doing something, creating something, the less we will be, do or create as it brings more stress and worry than peace and calmness. So first things first.
If you have erection issues you have to:
1. Talk to your partner about it.
Share with her/him the feelings that come along with it. What do you feel when you’re about to have sex? What worries you? What are you afraid of? What makes you nervous? Share all of your thoughts. Share from your heart. Let your partner in. Let her/him see you. It’s not shameful – it’s beautiful to let someone inside. And the minute you share all your emotions you’ll feel more relaxed and out of your brain.
2. Now that you’ve unleashed your feelings, worries and most intimate secrets to your lover, you’ll be able to take the next step.
Which is to say: “What I need is for us to not have sex, but for our bodies to connect. For me to connect to my own body I need to feel again and not think.” – Our brain is great for many things. But we shouldn’t use it so much when we’re being intimate. Intimacy calls for the body. And in order for you to become your body and not your mind during sexual intimacies, you have to practice intimacy without having sex.
This can be done in many ways.
Remember to breathe.
Ahhhhhhh…. All the way from the bottom of your stomach. Feel and breathe. Breathing is the easiest way to connect to your body.
Spend time massaging each others genitals in a non-sexual way.
Connect yourself to your partners vagina/penis without a goal to make that person orgasm or ejaculate. Be-friend it. Be curious. Go on an adventure. Look, smell, taste, feel, massage. And then leave it be.
Remember when we were young and could kiss for hours until our lips got sore and swollen? Do that again. Without the expectation of it leading to anywhere. There’s no goal but to kiss.
(This one is for straight people, sorry)
Put your flaccid penis inside her vagina while you spoon and lay still for 15-20 minutes where you do nothing but feel. This excercise is about connection. You might be thinking, “Ehh.. How can I get my flaccid penis inside her vagina?” Well.. Women have a vagina muscle for a reason. So together with her guidance and muscle clenches, you can get the tip of your penis inside the warm cave. Remember to use some lubrication – maybe some coconut oil.
Now.. you might get turned on. You might not. Either way it’s fine. It’s not about you getting hard, it’s about connecting to your partner and relaxing together whilst being intimate. It’s about feeling your body.
3. When you feel more connected to your body and your penis, you can start engaging in sexual activities again.
But the minute you start thinking too much about it and you’re like, “yay.. I have an erection. Oh.. I wonder if it will last”, then take it easy and breathe. Try to continuously become your body, to feel your partner and to say to yourself,
“Theres no goal. Nothing is expected of me, I just have to enjoy.”
My partner has erection “problems”
Being the one with erection “problems” is not easy, but it’s not easy being that someone’s partner either as we humans are super quick to believe that everything is about US. If you have a partner, who doesn’t know how to control erections, you’re probably feeling frustrated, annoyed, not very sexy, not wanted and not very attractive, right? You might even believe that something’s wrong with YOU, because YOU don’t make him hard.
Well.. Honey. I totally understand. But you have to understand that it’s not about you, it’s about him. And the more upset you become with him, the less his penis will respond because he feels the stress of wanting to perform for you. Vicious circle for sure.
It pains him that he’s not able to be the hard cock you so desire. Luckily you can now work together in making him feel comfortable with you and with you being comfortable with him too.
So when he comes to share his deepest and most vulnerable emotions and frustrations with you. Listen!
When he asks you to take it slow and do some of these intimate things. Encourage and support him!
Compliment him and help him become his body, when you feel that he’s entering his mind, by touching his chest, by keeping eye-contact, by being present.
When he fails again (which he might). Support him and keep on playing around with each others bodies.
Think and say to yourself as well as him: “I expect nothing of you. I just want to connect with and feel you. Whatever happens happens. I have no expectations.”
That will really help him relax as it will take some pressure off his ticking mind.
There is more to sexual intimacy than knowing how to control erections.
We have the ability to view life in positive of negative ways. Erection issues – negative or positive? Most people would say negative. I would say: “Hmm. Could it be a sign? Could it be your body’s way of telling you that: I want deep connected sex. I want to be in my body and not have sex from my mind. I need connection. I need to feel my body again. I need time to relax in order to make love?” I believe we can grow from shit – just like plants do. Maybe having an erection problem isn’t such a big problem? Maybe it’s just life telling you and your partner that: There’s more to sexual intimacy than goal-oriented sex.
What do you think?