It is a far too common (and partly unjustified) concern for men whether or not they last long enough in bed to satisfy their partners.
The truth is no matter how much sexual confidence a man tries to boast in front of his friends, we all have wondered at one point or another if we could do something to last a little longer in bed.
If you’re looking for a way to master the art of ejaculation control and make sure you come out as an expert lover every time you have sex with someone, we’ve got you covered.
This article will teach you how to control your orgasms, but more importantly, it will help you end all the questions and concerns you may have around the topic of premature ejaculation.
Full-body Pleasure: The Key to Ejaculation Mastery
The first thought most of us have when we are trying to last longer in bed is that we need to ‘cool off’, or somehow learn to feel less pleasure, so we don’t get to orgasm too quickly.
But it turns out we are doing it all wrong:
ejaculation control it’s not about learning how to hold back on pleasure, but actually the exact opposite: learning how to experience pleasure more fully.
By understanding how both you and your partner can experience the flow of sexual energy through all of your body, you’ll become acquainted with a type of pleasure that is far deeper and more intense than anything you’ve experienced: so deep and intense that it will take away forever the whole pressure that surrounds time, ejaculation, and the need to ‘perform’.
The most important thing, though, is that you don’t put pressure on yourself. If you use some of the self-awareness techniques we are sharing with you, you can work your way up to full-blown, multi-orgasmic sessions that can last for hours… But… you have to make it about you.
If you put your focus on lasting more in order to pleasure your partner, there will always be too much stress on your shoulders for you to relax out of your mind and connect with your body.
And as you’ll learn in this article, there are tons of ways you can please your woman in bed without having to use your penis at all.
So, take it slow, and dive into ejaculation control for your own benefit at first: the more pleasure you learn how to take in, the more confident and present you’ll become for your partner… And that’s way more attractive for a woman than you being all tight up just to last 5 more minutes.
What Is Premature Ejaculation?
There have been decades of research and studies debating the topic of premature ejaculation.
Some people have defined it regarding numbers: you compare your time against the average for the population group you belong to: if you last less than two minutes after intercourse begins, then you’re a PE subject according to many of the specialists who believe in this definition.
Of course, depending on the control group as a reference for each study, the time barrier could be set at two, three, five, one and a half minutes.
It’s a bit pointless to talk about mean, median or average to try and describe something so subjective (and non-mathematical) as the experience of sex.
So other sex experts have ventured to define premature ejaculation as a male orgasm that takes place before his partner has reached a climax for herself.
But then again, this assumes that all women should always be ready to experience an orgasm through penetration and that every time this doesn’t happen, both partners have somehow failed at having ‘proper’ sex.
Can You Define Premature Ejaculation?
Really, how can you possibly measure when is the right time for a man to ejaculate? Mantak Chia claims that you actually can’t.
He doesn’t even believe the term ‘premature ejaculation’ should exist. Because the only time that is right for you to ejaculate is whenever you choose to do so!
It’s not really a matter of time, but of being able to know your sexual response, so it’s your choice when you let yourself get carried all the way to the point of explosion.
If the point of explosion takes you by surprise, then you can talk about uncontrolled ejaculation: the issue is not that you reach orgasm too quickly; is that you’re reaching it too unconsciously.
One definition we like is by our expert for orgasm mastery, Eyal Matsliah:
“Premature ejaculation – Ejaculating before both partners are ready for it”
Premature Ejaculation Causes
There can be various causes for premature ejaculation but one primary reason for not being able to control your ejaculation is not being aware of all the sensations that surround your experience of sex.
Pleasure and orgasm work much in the same way as static electricity does. When you receive any kind of pleasant stimulation in your penis and its surrounding area, then a form of “sexual static” starts to accumulate from all the bioelectrical impulses that are sent back and forth between your brain and your nerve endings.
When the accumulated static becomes too much for your nerve endings to handle, there’s a sudden release of energy: the orgasmic explosion that we all love so much.
Ejaculation happens when this explosion of sexual energy triggers a series of contractions in two different sets of pelvic muscles, which cause semen to be emitted and then ejected through the penis.
If we are not really aware of how our pelvic area is filling up with all the bioelectrical impulses of pleasure that we get from sexual stimulation, then it’s easy to reach over the edge and ejaculate sooner than we’d like to.
The First Cause: Rushing into It
The first reason we tend to explode into orgasm without being able to control it is quite simple: going too fast and too furious.
Porn and masturbation habits play a key role here: For one part, it is likely that our first self-pleasuring experiences happened in a rush because we were afraid to be discovered by some member of our family. But for another part, porn has always shown us that intercourse should happen at ultra-speed right away from the first second.
Both men and women have been conditioned to want – with a part of their minds – that frantic rhythm of thrusting because it looks ‘hot’ on the screen.
Now, while there is a time and a place for everything, jumping into desperado-style intercourse straight away is usually a bad idea, because it sends a hurry-let’s-cum-before-i-get-caught kind of message for the man.
The Second Cause: Experiencing through the Brain and Not the Body
The second, even more, common reason for uncontrolled ejaculation, is when we fill up our pelvic area with sexual energy even without experiencing direct touch.
Basically what happens is your brain is so programmed for wanting to get an orgasm ASAP (as soon as possible), that it doesn’t wait to receive stimulation from your nerve endings: it basically simulates the stimulation in advance, and gets you so charged up that, of course, you won’t be able to take a lot of actual stimulation in your penis without bursting into an orgasm.
This trigger for uncontrolled ejaculation operates at different levels for different men.
For people who are used to being very mental, and do not know any techniques to circulate sexual energy through their bodies, the bioelectric impulses in the penis can get too high just from the memories of pleasure that the brain projects (before any physical contact).
Men who experience this kind on brain-centered experience can ejaculate the very instant they penetrate their partner.
For other men, the problem comes a bit later: they can start intercourse with a moderate degree of sexual tension, but at some point or another, their mind out speeds their body, the arousal in the brain getting so intense that the orgasmic release arrives at the pelvis too unexpected and sudden.
The Third Cause: Performance Anxiety
Ah, the irony. The third most common cause for ejaculating too fast is, well, the fear of ejaculating too fast.
And right along this fear of not lasting long enough before ejaculating, is the fear of not being able to maintain an erection long enough, or not being able to get one in the first place.
The term performance anxiety, when it comes to sex, means putting yourself under so much stress about doing it right, that you’re not even present in the doing it.
If you’re not really following the sensations of your body, then it’s easy to miss a sudden increase in sexual tension that gets you over the edge into an orgasm.
Your brain can also trigger an uncontrolled ejaculation in two inadvertent ways.
One is by recreating the ejaculatory sensation in your pelvis against your will: it comes to your memory because you fear it may arrive soon. By thinking about it, you send to your penis precisely the kind of bioelectric impulses and tension that can activate an ejaculatory release.
The other way is if you sense you’re having trouble maintaining your erection: your brain may deliberately create some ‘additional’ stimulation so more energy arrives at your pelvic area and your penis stays hard.
The only problem: if your mind sends the order that more energy needs to arrive, then it’s easy to overcharge your penis with stimulation, and go from partially soft to involuntary ejaculation in under a minute.
How to Prevent Premature Ejaculation
Stopping uncontrolled ejaculation is not hard to do, but it can take a good deal of time and patience if you want to do it in a way that sticks with you for the long term.
There are different pills and substances you can use as a quick-fix solution to modify your sexual response cycle, but we don’t believe that depending on ‘external’ resources to define your personal experience of sex is a good idea.
Quite the opposite, it’s by knowing your inner resources and potential as a lover that you’ll be able to not only overcome any concerns regarding ejaculation but actually expand your sexual horizons by sharing and receiving pleasure at the deepest possible levels.
Here are five simple steps that you can follow if you want to master the art of lasting longer in bed naturally:
1) Know your repertoire in bed (Un-penis your world)
Did you know that women have a capacity for pleasure of up to 16x compared to men?
Caffyn Jesse, one of the leading experts in female sexuality in North America, made that estimation based on the number of nerve endings and the amount of erectile tissue that is present in the pelvic complex around the clitoris, the vagina, and the uterus.
With so much territory and sensorial capacity to be covered in a woman’s body, it is just ridiculous that we continue to consider the penis as our primary resource to offer her pleasure.
As a matter of fact, even if we were absolute masters in the art of penis thrusting, and could go on for hours and hours each time we tried intercourse, we would be covering just a tiny fraction of all the stimulation techniques that can elevate a woman to the highest spheres of pleasure.
Not in vain Mantak Chia claims that it will be your fingers, your mouth, and ultimately your whole body, the first and foremost resources you’ll need to use to elevate your partner into blissful and ecstatic states.
The penis can always be brought into play a little later down the game. It sure is an amazing sensation for a woman to feel her partner inside her, but the truth is, if you do things the right way, she won’t mind at all about the time you spend there…
If you learn how to create a safe space for your partner to fully express her sexual being, and stimulate her extensively long before you even think about penetration, you’ll feel relaxed because you’ll know that you’ve already offered her pleasure in so many different ways beforehand.
And of course, you’ll also understand that you can continue to carry her to new orgasmic heights after you’ve had your orgasm because you don’t need your penis at all when she has communicated to you many other ways in which she can surrender to pleasure.
So be a constant learner, and always stay open to explore all the ways in which you can please your partner. You’ll take loads of pressure off your shoulders regarding your ejaculation control if you do so.
P.S: If you want to learn more about the subtle forms of stimulation that women can experience, our Yoni Massage Course is a great place to start
2) Know your sexual highs and lows
We tend to forget our hormonal and energetical balance changes through the day. Some men experience a peak in sexual drive right after they get up from bed, while others may feel much more ready to engage in sexual activity somewhere in the middle of the day (or even, why not, in the middle of the night).
By adding some variety to your lovemaking schedule, and also having solo sessions to experience your receptiveness to pleasure at different times of the day, you’ll appreciate when your body is more connected to sensorial bliss and sexual sensibility.
Having sex at a time when you’re on a sexual peak (when you can get a harder erection, and have a larger threshold for stimulation without feeling the need to orgasm) will give you the confidence to master your ejaculation control.
Of course, once you find your preferred time slot for expressing your full sexual power, you’ll also have to take into account the time zone that works best for your partner.
But once you’ve had the experience of connecting effortlessly to your most powerful version of sexual energy, and enjoying some pretty awesome sessions of sex with your partner at that time of the day, you’ll be able to carry that same confidence to other situations and slots.
3) Do some physical (non-sexual) ritual with your partner before sex
Disconnection from your body often leads to unconscious orgasming: we’ve already discussed how our brain can lead a quick overcharging of sexual energy when we’re approaching sex too mentally.
A simple and surprisingly effective way to prevent this is to do some bonding activity with your partner before sex, that helps both of you to feel grounded, connected, and present in your bodies.
In Tantra, we call this kind of bonding activities rituals because they are a shared moment of being mainly available for your partner, but even more importantly, for yourselves: it’s a way of telling your body, your mind and your spirit that something very special is about to happen.
By doing this you program yourself beforehand to welcome pleasure, and really be open to enjoy all the sensorial experiences that you’re treating yourself to in the next hours that you’ll be sharing with your partner.
It can be a practice as simple as a full body massage, maybe doing some yoga stretches if you’re both into it, or even just a calm bath.
By sharing this moment of physical connection, relaxing beyond any expectations or hurries, you’ll get more in sync with your body and its sensations.
This will make sex a lot more enjoyable, but it will also bring awareness to your sexual response: you’ll be able to detect subtle changes in how the accumulation of sexual energy in your pelvis progresses, so ejaculation can’t catch you off-guard.
4) Synchronize your breathing with your partner
In general terms, women breathe more deeply and slowly during sex. By aligning your sexual rhythm with your spouse’s, you’ll be able to be more present in your sensations, so the urge to ejaculate doesn’t dictate your whole experience of sex.
Almost all ancient cultures point in the same way when it comes to the nature of sexual mastery: lovemaking is an art that is driven by the feminine presence.
In other words, women tend to kick ass when it comes to sensorial capacity, so instead of trying to make her adapt to your rhythm, you’ll obtain a lot more rewards if you’re the one who makes a conscious effort to synchronize with her.
As a matter of fact, since women don’t experience the need to ejaculate semen, their experience of sexual build up tends to be deeper, and involve their whole body.
By mimicking some of the caresses and movements she uses, you’ll learn to expand your own sexual energy throughout all of your body as well.
Taking the focus of pleasure away from the pelvis, and the rhythm of lovemaking away from the frenetic search for a quick release, you’ll be able to join her in the sensations of bliss and connection that allow sex drive to manifest slowly and consistently, instead of burning out in just a few minutes.
5) Build deep trust and connection with your partner
As we’ve seen, performance anxiety is one of the three decisive factors that can cause Premature Ejaculation.
When you take the time to build openness and communication with a partner, the unconditional support you offer each other will make a huge difference in eliminating stress from the equation.
When communication and deep trust are present in the relationship, you’ll have the certainty that each of you is looking to be present for the other in ways that matter to them.
This will give you a deep certainty of the value you hold for the other person, in a psychological, emotional and of course also sexual dimension. And with such a sense of meaningfulness at the core of your relationship, there won’t be room for the conventional male approach to sex as a competition, which is what makes us get lost in performance anxiety in the first place.
Plus, this works to your benefit in another way. Not only you’ll feel seen and appreciated by your partner (instead of judged by your performance), but she’ll also feel completely safe to express the rawest and unfiltered parts of her sexuality, which is an absolute must for her to connect with all her potential for pleasure.
Sex is, after all, the most powerful kind of energy that lives within us, so it takes a lot of confidence, trust and self-knowledge to really explore the incredible heights into which it can lead us.
But the first step (which you’ve already taken!) is to make a conscious effort to connect more deeply with our body: being always very patient, and completely accepting of all the learnings, the progress, and setbacks that both ourselves and our partner will experience through the process.