Let’s face it.
Most men would like to last longer, and most women wish their partners did. The average man lasts three to five minutes, and that’s not enough for most women to orgasm. But it’s not even about the woman’s orgasm. Penetrative sex offers a particular kind of connection between partners. So naturally, you would want it to last more than just a few minutes. Although premature ejaculation is defined as ejaculating after less than two minutes from the moment of penetration, in my opinion, it is defined as ejaculating before both partners are ready for it.
“Premature ejaculation – Ejaculating before both partners are ready for it”~ Eyal Matsliah
Feel free to check our ultimate guide to dealing with premature ejaculation!
Men don’t have good sources to learn about sex, so they get one piece of advice from here, another from there, and this leads to mixed results. Sometimes they last longer, and at other times, they come too quickly.
This is because there are some common mistakes that many men make. These errors lead to them having inconsistent results, or worse, even premature ejaculation. I’ve compiled a list of these common mistakes to guide you to last longer, satisfy your woman and feel more confident as a man. As you are reading through this list, you might recognize that you make one or more of these mistakes. That’s ok. It’s not your fault. Nobody told you what to do so don’t give yourself a hard time. Just understand why it is a mistake and learn what to do instead.
20 Mistakes men make when trying to last longer
Mistake #1: Forcefully stopping the ejaculation from coming out (aka Retrograde ejaculation or In-jaculation)
This ill-advised technique involves pressing your perineum, squeezing your cock shut or contracting your PC muscles AFTER you pass the point of no return, e.g., after the ejaculatory response has already started.
You still lose most or all of your sexual energy and stamina, so sex probably ends anyway and since you are forcing the ‘explosion’ to stay inside your body, it leads to erectile dysfunction, prostate damage, and other adverse effects. If you are inside your partner or if you penetrate her again, your cock still drips semen, and you might get her pregnant if you aren’t using adequate protection. It doesn’t allow you to control your ejaculation because you still ejaculate into your bladder.
Avoid using this method. Learn how to control your ejaculation and stop well ahead of the point of no return.
Mistake #2: Relying on cremes, pills, sprays, thick condoms and other instant solutions
Instead of learning to last longer, these methods only provide temporary relief. You become dependent and reliant on an external solution. What if you don’t have it with you? What if you are just making out, and you get so aroused that you come in your pants? Some of these products might have side-effects that hurt your sex or your health. Viagra and its copies are proven to raise the risk of heart conditions, seizures, and strokes.
Furthermore, the desensitizing products might affect your partner and cause her to have less pleasure. Last but not least, these products decrease your confidence as a lover. What if she finds out? Are you proud of the fact you are using these methods.
Quit using these products and learn how to last longer with natural methods. Sure, it might take some time, but you will gain the certainty and confidence that you can do it by yourself.
It starts with three simple steps: 1. Feel how aroused you are 2. Stop before it’s too late 3. Move your sexual energy
Mistake #3: Missing the ‘point of no return’
The ‘point of no return'(PNR) is the moment when your arousal and pleasure becomes so intense, that your body automatically goes into the process of ejaculation, including the strong rhythmic contractions in your pelvic floor and the expelling of seminal fluid. The PNR itself isn’t the peak of your pleasure. It’s about 80% of your satisfaction. But if you reach it, the process of ejaculation begins. Men are so used to the process of arousal and pleasure quickly followed by ejaculation that they don’t notice how aroused they are, and thus they keep missing the point.
If ejaculation occurs when you are too aroused – don’t get too aroused. Learn to recognize how aroused you are and how close you are to your PNR. Here’s one practice I teach in my “Ejaculation control program”: Start with a conscious self-pleasuring (masturbation) practice, arouse yourself and make sure you pause before you are too aroused.
To be safe, stay between 40-60% of your pleasure.
As you pause, allow the arousal to diminish and start again. Try to do it for at least 20 minutes. After 1-2 weeks of practice, engage in sex with your partner and make sure you stop well ahead of the PNR because the technique becomes much, um, harder, with a woman.
Mistake #4: Coming once, so the next time is easier
This is a very modern technique that men use. Sure, if you come once it helps you last longer the next time around. But at the same time, your arousal, interest, and passion are diminished, and you might also lose your erection. Moreover, you are telling yourself “I can’t last as long as I want for the first time.” You stay programmed to have premature ejaculation.
Make every sexual interaction count. Commit to doing whatever you can to avoid ejaculation. Learn how to control your ejaculation instead of relying on crutches.
Mistake #5: Moving inside her until you come
Penetration and friction intensify your pleasure and lead you to ejaculate. While you are moving, it’s harder to know if you are close to ejaculation or still in the ‘safe zone.’ And if you still continue, the pleasure will build up, and you will ejaculate. Moreover, you might get too focused on your movements instead of feeling her. Sex isn’t just about penetration and friction, but about connection and elevation.
Use the secret technique known as “The Pause.”
It might come as a surprise, but it’s very useful, powerful and meaningful to take breaks during sex. Pausing allows your arousal to decrease so you could last longer. Some women might orgasm when their partner pauses because it enables them to relax and that relaxation brings about an orgasm. When you pause, simply stay inside her without moving. Relax your muscles. Look into each other’s eyes. Breathe together. Tell her you love her, or how hot she is; preferably both.
When you are just starting with the practice of ejaculation control, pause when you enter her, break every minute or two, pause before changing position, and specifically pause when you feel too aroused. If there’s any doubt – Pause. Pull out if needed. Then as you get better, break after every 3-5 minutes.
Mistake #6: Staying too aroused without moving your sexual energy
Many men who experiment with lasting longer get inconsistent results and hit a glass ceiling because of this mistake. Sexual energy is like having pressure inside a steam engine. Too little pressure, and there’s no movement, e.g., no erection or pleasure. Too much pressure/pleasure, and the engine explodes – you ejaculate. If you are too aroused, you are going to blow it. Even pausing or pulling out wouldn’t help. The moment you get back inside her, you are going to be on the edge again.
To last longer, learn how to move your sexual energy away from your genitals, so your arousal decreases. For example, squeeze your PC muscle, empty your lungs of air and hold it, stare at your third eye, or pull out and do some push-ups, crunches, and squats. If you could do a handstand, shoulder stand, or headstand, that would move the energy even faster.
Yes, I know it sounds strange to do this in the middle of sex. But if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you are going to get the results you’ve always got. If you want to last longer, you need to try new things.
Besides, if you have penetrative sex for an hour instead of five minutes, it’s ok to take a few breaks to move the energy. I once jumped out of bed and went into a headstand position. My partner exclaimed “Eyal! You are such a freak!’ But then she didn’t complain when I got back to bed and kept making love with her for another hour.
Instead of being afraid of what others might think or say about you, allow yourself to do as you wish, to evolve and to express who you are.
Mistake #7: Tension, effort and PC muscle squeezes
Tension activates your sympathetic nervous system which is also responsible for the process of ejaculation. Tension makes it more challenging to notice how aroused you are and to manage to stop in time. Your tension makes your partner tensed as well, and when a woman is tensed, she doesn’t orgasm. While PC muscle squeezes are crucial for ejaculation control, doing them at the wrong time will cause you to ejaculate.
Learn how to relax, both during sex and outside the bedroom.
Explore gentle yoga, meditation, tai-chi and other practices that teach you to relax and direct your energy. Use some of these practices while you’re making love. Explore positions such as woman-on-top, side-to-side, or the famous yab-yum, where you don’t need to use your muscles or exert effort. Make sure that you breathe slowly into your lower belly (not your chest) and let the breath just fall out when you exhale.
Mistake #8: Counting or thinking about something else while you’re inside her
The whole point of sex is connection and union. If you’re thinking about something else, you’re not present with your woman. Moreover, you lose touch with what’s going on in your body so you will probably become too aroused, miss the point of no return, and ejaculate.
Bring your awareness into your body. Observe what’s going on. Notice how aroused you are. Witness your sensations, feelings and thoughts. Don’t just focus on your genitals but rather perceive your entire body. In the same time, expand your awareness to your partner, by using your senses to see, hear, smell, taste and touch her.
Penetrate her with your presence.
Mistake #9: Going too fast or too hard
The idea behind lasting longer is making sure you don’t get too aroused. If you go too fast or too hard, you build up too much sexual pleasure and energy, which leads to quick ejaculation.
Duh! Slow the F*** down! Even if she asks you or begs you to take her harder, you need to stay in control of your body so you could last longer, for your sake, and hers.
Slow sex also brings more love, connection, and sacredness into your lovemaking.
Mistake #10: Short foreplay or no foreplay at all
If your foreplay is too short, all of your sexual energy is concentrated in your genitals, and it becomes too difficult to last longer. It also decreases your partner’s chances of having an orgasm.
Engage in longer foreplay and make sure that you bring sensation and awareness to all of your body, and to all of hers. Even though it is very pleasurable to have her go down on you, instead ask her to give you a quick massage or even enjoyable prostate massage. This will open the energy channels in your body and make you more relaxed.
Mistake #11: Watching porn
Have you ever seen a porn sex scene where the man does NOT ejaculate? Probably not. Porn is obsessed with semen. Notice that porn actors nearly always ejaculate OUTSIDE a woman, so the viewer gets to see the white stuff. Hence the term ‘cum-shot’. When you watch porn, you get brain-washed into believing that ejaculation is necessary and that you need to ejaculate as much as possible. It’s really hard to last longer with all these images in your head. Masturbating and ejaculating while watching porn causes premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction.
Porn also causes you to have mechanical sex and objectify your partner.
Recognize all the negative effects that watching porn has on your life. Check out http://yourbrainonporn.com/for scientific proof of the negative impact of porn, instruction, community support and case studies. Take a commitment to stop watching porn.
Mistake #12: Keeping your new practice as a secret
Men who try to last longer often keep this a secret from their partner. This doesn’t work. If you fail to communicate with your partner more often, she might think that you are weird,or she might get pissed off when you do some of the practices I teach.
Communicate with your partner. Tell her that you are on a journey to control your ejaculation and last longer. Explain to her why you are doing this. Share your ‘why’ – your strong reasons.
Tell her that you might do some things that might seem strange, like pausing or pulling out, etc., but that ultimately it will make your sexual experience longer and deeper and will result in more pleasure and connection. Most women are quite delighted to hear that a man wants to last longer to pleasure them and connect with them more meaningfully.
Mistake #13: Trying to last longer all by yourself
It’s as if you and your partner are doing unrelated things while you are having sex. She’s trying to orgasm while you’re trying not to. It doesn’t work. As a result, you would probably come too fast, and she will not orgasm.
Ask your partner for help with moving your sexual energy away from your genitals.
Have her move her hands up your body, grab your neck or place her hand on your head or forehead. Your woman might be more attuned to your body than you are. Ask her to tell you if she thinks you are too aroused. Furthermore, ask her for her understanding if you need to pause, pull out or do some of the other practices I share in my “Tantric Ejaculation Mastery”.
Mistake #14: Trying to bring her to orgasm solely with your cock
Many things can bring a woman to orgasm. If you only use your cock, you would have to go stronger, faster and longer than you should, and suddenly it will be too late, you will pass the point of no return and ejaculate. It also makes sex more mechanical.
While you are inside her or when you pause and pull out, use your hands and your mouth to pleasure her face, neck, shoulders, breasts, belly, waists, ass, hips, thighs, legs and feet.
Learn to use your entire body to make love with her whole body.
Mistake #15: Either you or her stimulating her clit while you are inside her
Vaginal and whole body orgasms are much more fulfilling than clitoral orgasms. Too much clitoral stimulation also makes it harder for you to last longer because the sexual energy produced by the clit is similar to the power of your ejaculation. If you ever went down on a woman and got so aroused that you nearly ejaculated (or did), you would know what I am,talking about.
Both you and your partner should bring each other pleasure but minimize and even avoid clitoral stimulation during the first few weeks of practice, especially when you’re inside her. Instead, bring touch and pleasure to the rest of her body. As a side note, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ about the clit.
It is a beautiful and important part of a woman’s body. When a woman learns to move her sexual energy, she can enjoy hours of clitoral stimulation without becoming hyper-sensitive.
Mistake #16: Focusing too much on pleasure
Isn’t pleasure what sex is all about? Well, pleasure is great, but when you focus on it too much, you might experience too much pleasure, which will cause you to ejaculate. Besides, you are missing out on other beautiful aspects of sex.
Let go of your need for bodily pleasure for a while. Instead, find the pleasure and fulfillment in facilitating pleasure for her, and in other realms of sex. Explore eye-gazing. Breathe together. Witness and celebrate her body, sound, skin, touch, smell, taste, movement, and other expressions of her femininity. Make this a spiritual union.
Very soon you will also experience greater pleasure than ever and even multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms.
Mistake #17: Trying to last longer without knowing why
Why do you want to last longer? If you don’t have good enough reasons, it will be much more challenging to do it. Finding a compelling ‘Why’ to controlling your ejaculation is another important piece which is missing from most books and programs.
Write down all the possible reasons to last longer. For example: Pleasuring your partner; learning to become multi-orgasmic; deepening your relationship; saving your energy for your creativity, business or your spiritual practice; or gaining more confidence as a man. Find more reasons that inspire and motivate you to persist with this practice. Recognize the effects that lasting longer would have on you and your partner outside the bedroom.
How would it affect your relationship, career, and confidence around other successful men? Keep reminding yourself of your ‘Why’ before and during your love-making.
Mistake #18: Trying to stay inside when you’re too aroused
When a woman gets aroused, her vagina is like a tsunami of pleasure that threatens to wash over you if you are not careful. Most men try to stay inside even when they are too aroused and even when the woman is about to orgasm. Then it ‘suddenly’ becomes too much and they ejaculate. Game over.
When you are just starting this practice, decide to pull out at around half the time that you usually last. For example, if you usually last 4 minutes, pull out after 2 minutes, and either completely relax, move your energy using the practices I’ve mentioned, or keep pleasuring her with your hand and mouth. Then penetrate her again and pull out after another 2 minutes. With the next round, you are already lasting longer than before.
Make sure you discuss this with your partner because some women get offended when a man pulls out when they are about to orgasm.
Mistake #19: Relying on one technique
Some men achieve some control over their ejaculation by using one particular method. However, this approach often fails with another partner or when the man can’t use it for whatever reason. Other men become reliant on their partner to help them last longer and thus are not empowered and independent in their sexuality.
Don’t be a ‘one trick pony’.
Learn how to use at least a few practices and techniques. Explore physical, energetic, emotional and mental practices. Explore methods you use and do before, during, and after love making, and others you do daily, regardless of if you have sex or not. It might sound complicated, but it’s like driving – First you’re struggling, but soon enough you’re cruising with your beautiful woman beside you, or rather underneath you.
Mistake #20: Trying to figure it out all by yourself
You probably know about sex from your sex-ed classes, your friends, and porn. You might know about some techniques involving squeezing or breathing, and you have probably heard about the famous ‘point of no return.’ But you get inconsistent results.
That’s because you are missing out on a vast amount of knowledge and experience gathered throughout thousands of years.
Educate yourself. Read books. Join forums and ask questions. Watch educational movies about Tantra and sex. Attend workshops and seminars. Hire a sex coach. All of these should teach you the ideas and theories behind sex AND give you practices and exercises that you can do on your own and with your partner.
And here’s a bonus mistake, which might change your life:
Mistake #21: Ejaculating at the end of sex
As long as you plan to ejaculate, as long as it’s part of sex, you will always be tempted to ‘go for it.’ That’s the reason that most men don’t manage to last longer. They know that they are
going to ejaculate sooner or later, so it’s just a matter of how many minutes it’s going to take. You might be thinking: What’s the point of sex without having an orgasm? Well, ejaculation and orgasm aren’t the same thing. You can have an orgasm or even multiple orgasms without ejaculating.
Take a commitment to avoid ejaculation all together for at least a month.
If you relapse or have an accident or a wet dream, start again and build it up to a month, and then see if you can go for longer. It’s easier if you avoid masturbation and sex in the beginning so you can re-wire your brain. Then gradually get back to making love with your partner.
Make sure you tell her about this practice, so she doesn’t ask you to ejaculate. The practice of having sex without ejaculating for weeks at a time has changed my life and the lives of my tantric colleagues, students, and private clients. It takes a while to master it, but the vast benefits are totally worth it!
Men who try to last longer do things that either fail to work consistently, or even hurt themselves and their partner. Once you recognize your mistakes and instead take on these new practices, you will be able to last longer and eventually last as long as you want.
There are no shortcuts. To get the full benefits of this practice, you will have to practice, to change how you do things, and to try new things.
Remember that ejaculation control isn’t just about sex.
It is a life-changing practice. It will improve your relationship, make you more creative, charge your career and get you showing more confidence in both women and men. You will become an invincible man.
This practice will elevate your life to a new level. Commit to it, and start practicing and see your life change. I know you can do it!