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Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Art of the Sensual Kiss. I am Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist and owner of Velvet Lips, a sex education company dedicated to helping people with seduction, communication skills, and sex skills. And so, today, we are going to talk about all the kissing stuff. And so the learning objectives for today are to learn about the science of kissing, we are gonna learn about kissing and body language, and we're also gonna learn some kissing techniques. The first thing we need to cover though is our oral health. We need to make sure that our oral health is good. We don't want to kiss somebody... Most people don't wanna kiss somebody whose oral health is not that great and so we wanna make sure that our mouth feels comfortable and inhabitable for someone who wants to kiss. So you need to make sure you brush your teeth and tongue. A lot of dentists say, hey, do the two/two rule, at least twice a day for at least two minutes. There's some lovely electronic toothbrushes out there that automatically tell you when it's two minutes or automatically tell you when it's 30 seconds to change which position so that can be really, really helpful for you. In addition, you wanna make sure that you floss at least once a day and the reason for flossing is to get all the bacteria in between your gums and your teeth that can really fester. And when that bacteria or food or whatever is stuck in between your teeth, like any food that you leave out, it's gonna start to fester, your bacteria start to smell. And so you don't want that happening in your mouth. So making sure that you floss, you're brushing your teeth, you're using mouthwash, these kind of habits are going to be really great for you in the end. And then you wanna go to the dentist at least once a year, if you're able to. I usually recommend two to three times a year, maybe even more if that's necessary, but you wanna go to the dentist just to make sure you get a checkup, that you're getting your teeth cleaned regular. There's lots of plaque that builds up and we can't see it cause maybe we're just brushing regularly every day, but there's all sorts of build up that does happen. So you wanna make sure you go to the dentist, make sure there's nothing wrong or any other issues that you might have that they can help you with. And of course they can help you with anything from bad breath to teeth rotting or anything like that. So it's really, really important that, again, you wanna make your mouth very, very inhabitable for the person who wants to kiss you. With your body, it's also gonna affect your mouth. So it's really important that you drink lots of water. Most nutritionists recommend half your body weight in ounces. That way you flush your system, it feels really good. You can really have great bowel movements, all of that good stuff to help your body. Fresh fruits and vegetables, of course, and limiting sugary and really acidic foods are gonna be key to not degrading your teeth and letting that, of course, that bacteria sort of run up in there. So it's super, super important to do. Now knowing the mouth, we have the cupid's bow here, which is that nice little divot, the philtrum. And some of us have deeper philtrums than others. And then the Vermillion borders is the border that shows what the difference is between our mouth and the rest of our face. And then we also have the tubercles here and some of us have more pronounced tubercles than others which is totally fine. Some can poke out. They don't affect you in any way. It's just the kissing your mouth anatomy. - With kissing science, we know that it releases serotonin and endorphins, which are happy hormones, right? So serotonin, endorphins, they elevate our mood, they get us kind of high sometimes. And then in addition, it also boosts our dopamine which helps with regulating our sexual desire. So I always tell my couples, you know like do some more making out, do some more, you know kissing without the expectation of sex. This will really help you to think about how you are understanding your sexual relationship not only with yourself, but with other people or with your lovers. And so the dopamine it helps to regulate your sexual desire, most of the time when we're kissing, it feels like when our kissing is very compatible and, you know, wonderful, it makes us want to be closer to our lovers. It makes us want to have sex with our lovers. And so this is very important to cultivate. Now, platonic kisses are naturally inclined to the left and this is really interesting because it's universal around the world. So as a human being, we are naturally inclined to go to the left to have kisses. And for those cultures that kiss on both cheeks, most likely they're gonna go to the left and then go to the right. So I'm understanding that this is just something human understanding that, oh someone kissed me on my cheek or something like that especially here in the us, if they're coming to the left, most likely it's a platonic kiss or something that they've learned maybe in their family or socialized, socialized with their kissing style. When we kiss on the mouth, it signifies closeness and intimacy, right? So it signifies closeness. It signifies, okay this person is really close to me, intimate with me. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a lover. It could be a friend, but it always is going to signify that closeness, that vulnerability that we get from kissing someone on the mouth and letting them into our personal space. And it can also be associated with the development of sexual tension. Right, so when we think about sometimes our first date kiss or something like that, if we kiss on the mouth, right, they're like, okay, is there going to be sex? Is sex going to happen? So that development or cultivation of sexual tension can really be something to look forward to. When we're kissing, kissing can also help us to gather insight on whether or not we are genetically compatible, right? And this goes towards the biological human race fulfillment, right? So if we're kissing somebody and we're not compatible and it doesn't feel good, this might be a strong indicator that our bodies might not match up for human race fulfillment or some kind of biological undertaking, right. With a kiss., it actually can predict our sexual chemistry. And if we have really great, really great make out session a really good kiss, most likely that will translate into that passion and sexual chemistry. Now does it all the time? Of course not. Right, sometimes we can have really great sexual chemistry without having kisses. But if we were to kiss, you know you think about our whole entire sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility with someone, kissing really can predict if you are to be with that person or not. And I always say if more people were honest with themselves, they would know whether they were sexually compatible with someone based on the kiss alone. Sometimes we know like, does this kiss feel good? Does it not feel good? And if the kiss is sort of meh, whatever, and we follow through with maybe sex or whatever the case may be or get close to them or get more intimate with that person, we might find out later that, Ugh I should have known in the kiss, right, that first kiss. And not to say that kissing can't change or develop, it really can be, you know, you really can work with a partner to have sexual compatibility. So it's not all about not having sexual compatibility. But if they were to say, for instance I had a fiance and I did not like the way he kissed me. And so I would say, Hey, you know can you kiss me in a different way? And he was like, no, I like the way I kiss you. And so for me, that was really should have been an indicator of you are not available for me to, you are not available for this experience, I should say. But it was not a good, it was not a good thing. And it turned out he was not good for me anyway. So I think it's really important that we be honest with ourselves. And if the kiss isn't there and someone doesn't wanna change or adapt or doesn't wanna work with you with a kiss I think it's important that you keep it moving. - So, with your kissing style, you wanna think about how do you kiss, right? Are you a proactive kisser, or are you a reactive kisser, right? Do you do proactive or reactive kissing? Now, some of us are very proactive, right? Some of us, we go after the kisses, we get what we want, we ask for kisses all the time. We're very, very proactive, right? Whereas some of us are more reactive kissers, right? In a sense of, you wait for someone to come and kiss you, maybe a little bit more passive or submissive. And that's okay too. It's just a matter of figuring out, which kind of kisser are you? Are you proactive or are you reactive, right? It's really important in the sense of knowing who your lover or lovers are, because if they're reactive kisser, and you're also a reactive kisser, guess what? You probably aren't kissing. (person laughing) So you wanna make sure that both of you are compatible, and that at least there's one person that is in the relationship that's proactive, and one person that is reactive, okay? So the second thing you want to do, is think about your mouth, right? Does your mouth water? Some of us have very juicy mouths. Some of us have very dry mouths, right? If your mouth waters or if your mouth is dry, take kissing breaks, right? If your mouth is watering a lot, take a kissing break. Say, okay, drink some water. If you have a dry mouth, take a break, drink some water. (person laughing) Do something that will help you just kinda pause, recenter yourself, so you can keep going. A really great way to facilitate if you have a dry mouth is having some candy nearby or something that will help you quench that. So maybe some sour candies or a little candy. Something that will help your mouth get a little bit of juiciness in it so it's not so dry. And then you also need to figure out, are you a multi-kisser, or maybe you're a one and done. Some people like me, I'm a multi-kisser. I love more than one kiss, so you can't just kiss me one time. Like I gotta have like two, three, four kisses at a time. I'm like. (person kissing) Because that feels good to me. Whereas some people are like, I just need one kiss and that's it. Just one, I feel good, I'm gonna keep it moving. So think about your kissing style. Are you a multi kisser or are you just one and done, either way is okay. Just knowing who you are is going to be important. It's also important to know, do you have a long tongue or do you have a short tongue? And I think this is important in thinking about long tongue and short tongue dynamics and thinking about whether you wanna do some deep kissing, right? So for folks like me who have short tongues, it's going to be very difficult, or not very difficult, but it might be a little bit more of a challenge if you wanna do deep kissing because you have a short tongue, whereas somebody who has a long tongue if you have like a Cardi B tongue perhaps, it might be easier for you to have fun and play in the mouth and do some deep kissing that is sort of all over. So it really is up to you to think about the long tongue, short tongue dynamics, and just working with that, knowing what you can and can't do with your tongue and why that's important. You also wanna think about having your eyes open versus your eyes closed, right? So having your eyes, a lot of us like to have our eyes open, some of us like kind of get freaked out with eyes open. They wanna have your eyes closed, either way is fine. You just need to figure out who you are as a person and then make sure that your lovers are gonna be compatible. If someone is freaking out because you have your eyes open and they normally have eyes closed, then that might be a little bit of a problem. So you might wanna get someone who's also compatible with your eyes being open or closed, if it makes a difference or not. And then you also have to think about kissing cues, right? What kind of kissing cues do you have? Do you have verbal kissing cues in the sense of like, can I kiss you now? Am I able to kiss you, or some kind of consent, verbal cues, or are they nonverbal? Is it just a, is it? Whatever it is, or even some kissing triggers? Like I bought my wife a bell, right. So there's like a bell and it's like ding, ding. And like, that's a kissing trigger to say, like come and kiss me. So thinking about like kissing triggers or maybe it's a song that you put on and you're like, oh yeah, that's a song we made out to. I wanna put that song on, so my lover knows, hey, it's time to kiss. It's time to make out, this is the cue. So really thinking about your kissing style, thinking about whether it's verbal, whether it's nonverbal, what kind of kissing triggers do you have? These are all going to be important when you're thinking about a sensual kiss and how you wanna move into that kiss. And then also thinking about, are you compatible with your kissing style, right? I think it's pretty imperative, if you didn't get it before, that you need to find someone with the same kissing compatibility. If your compatibility is, maybe it's not quite there but there is some potential, right. Or maybe they're a person who's never kissed anyone before and needs to learn the ropes, whatever the case may be, you can also teach someone to adapt to your kissing style if they don't have a preferred kissing style or you can adapt to theirs. So I think it's really important that we just don't say like, oh, your kissing sucks. And throw it to the wayside. But I think it's important to say, hey, if we don't have the same kissing compatibility but there is potential there, I really like you. And I think we can work with this. And you try and making sure that you can adapt to each other. I think that's going to be very, very important and also is important to know what you like, what kind of kissing do you like and how can you facilitate that kind of kissing? So sometimes it's going to take some practice and I mean, yeah. What better way to have fun with your kissing style than to keep practicing and figuring out, oh yeah, I like that. Or, yeah, that turns me on or, no, I don't like that. Don't do that. So it's okay if your kissing compatibility doesn't line up right away, just know that you can adapt to theirs or they can adapt to yours or you can meet somewhere in the middle. - All right, so the first kissing workout we have is we gotta get kiss fit. So one of the things we wanna do is we wanna smile, do some smiling practice. And the reason why we wanna do smiling practice is because it naturally elevates the mood. So we're gonna smile just for 20 seconds, right? So start smiling. All right. (person laughing) So when we smile, guess what we're doing? We're boosting that serotonin, those endorphins, we're feeling really good. It naturally elevates our mood. So we can even use this when we're getting upset or we have some kind of issue or maybe you're in an argument and you're like, you know what, fuck it, I'm just gonna smile and you start smiling. It really turns the mood all over. So I think it's really, unless someone is really, really offended by it, then that might not work out so well. So sometimes it does depend on context but smiling practice, it naturally elevates your mood. And you want to have that mood elevated because you want it to feel good. Okay, so that's the first thing you gotta do. And the next kissing workout is we're gonna do some vagus nerve stimulation. And with the vagus nerve, it's really wonderful nerve system. And it's activated through our mouth and it activates all the way down to our genitals. We have lovely nerves that are attached to both. So it's really important to try to stimulate that vagus nerve. And a lot of times when we sing, we feel good, right? Or even thinking about when we're eating good foods or having the spoon or forks to our mouths. Mms or ahs, right? So doing the ahs and mms are really good way to get kissing workout in. So what you can do here is just practice your ahs and mms. So. (woman sighing) And practice that and get that nerve simulation going. So keep going on that and do that for about a minute. Pause, think about how you feel and if you really wanna do it again, do it again 'cause it can be really, really fun. The next thing you wanna do is thinking about your lip strength, right? So the smaller your lips are, the more lip strength you need, generally. People generally don't like the feeling of your teeth when sensually kissing, the teeth can get in the way. So you really want to make sure you have the proper amount of lip strength and like, and feel, right? People don't wanna feel like flimsy lips. Okay, so what you can do is do like a mouth push up. Okay, and you can get your fist if you're by yourself and you're just learning this or if you wanna practice with a partner, but mouth to fist practice I always say it works because then you can actually feel, and you can tell. And so with your mouth to fist practice, you're just going to poke. You're just going to purse your lips. Right, so. And you're gonna push up against with your fist. And that is to help you not have as flimsy lips or build up your lip strength so that when you get into those nice, raw sensual and passionate kisses, that your lips aren't flimsy and that they aren't, 'cause typically, flimsy lips are not really sex. So it's a nice little lip push up, just like that, right? And I always say, hey, when you are doing that, you wanna practice that, you can practice it for like 30 seconds, super easy or you can practice that or pursing your lips, practicing the strength of your lips every day so that you have some nice, strong lips. And then a nice kissing hack is just to watch a funny movie with your lover, when you're laughing, smiling, guess what? Serotonin, endorphins and dopamine, like all those things, all those good hormones that you love are gonna be amazing for you. So you wanna be able to enjoy that. So yeah. And it can help you guide you into more kissing fun. - All right, so if you're partner, you wanna use some erotic intention with your lips, right? With partnered kissing, it's really about not when you're with someone, right? You're thinking about how you're moving into that erotic intent and how you are kissing them. And you wanna make your kissing intentional by dedicating quality time or moments to engage in your kissing, or really dedicate a considerable amount of time for foreplay and seduction, which involve kissing, okay? So that means, I often give my couples like homework of make out, make out for five minutes, right? And make out for five minutes and then go your separate ways, do separate things. Don't necessarily make kissing always attached to a sexual experience or to sex itself. Sometimes kissing just needs to be kissing, so you can feel what it feels like to be sensual, to be passionate, to really take in that moment just for you. And that could be a small piece because if you lead that as foreplay and seduction, you know, that means you can be thinking about sex and you be thinking about that kiss. And that helps people to get emotionally ready for what's to come, thinking about their sexual experience, so. Again, you can use your body by pressing up against them and taking your time kissing other parts of their body before you get to their lips, right? You always wanna, if you have hands, right, keeping your hands very active. And the reason for this is because our lips, our lips are our number one erogenous zone, right? So they're our number one erogenous zone. So we really wanna make sure that we hit other parts of the body before we get to their lips. Because by the time we get to their lips, we're gonna be aroused, we're gonna feel good. It's a really good way of doing some foreplay, right? And if you're having trouble with, well what do I do next or what do I kiss next? Or how do I do this? You can implement some fun kissing games, right? So you can see how long you can go before you get to their lips. You can challenge yourself to go longer and longer without kissing their lips. And like I said, it just really helps to build anticipation for that later on that sexual experience, if that were to happen. But remember, you wanna make sure the kiss is a kiss itself. Yes, it can be part of foreplay and seduction but it also can be really great at just connecting with the lover. And when we're thinking about a nice sensual kiss, we also need to think about mindful kissing, right? And with mindful kissing, we can think about slow, passionate, purposeful kissing where are we kissing them? How are we kissing them? What's going on in the background to help us eliminate any kind of outside things that would mess with the kiss, right? So thinking, this is what mindful kissing is. Another way to do some mindful kissing is to rotate kissing each other's upper lip with your tongue, tracing the bottom of their lip, right? So you're kissing their upper lip and you're gonna use your tongue to trace right there, right? The bottom of their upper lip, okay. Now with this kissing technique of you rotating right, kissing each other's upper lip, you're gonna rotate between each person being the active tongue roller, right? So one person kissing the upper lip sort of practicing, practicing, practicing and then the next person practicing, practicing, practicing or you can rotate each other. So you kiss the upper lip. I kiss the upper lip, you kiss the upper lip, I kiss the upper lip, and that can be really, really fun and sensual and romantic because you're really being present and you're really being in your body. And you're really thinking about how does this feel against my lips? How does the tongue feel, or on my turn next, I'm gonna feel this part or I'm gonna feel that part. So it's really, really important that you kind of take the time and be mindful with your kissing by doing that activity. - So, with kissing maintenance, you can use erotic intention, of course, with your lips again, but making sure you maintain everything, right? And so I always tell people, or I'm always telling my couples, "Hey, always greet and leave your lover, "with a kiss or more." Okay? If you're a multi-kisser, that means more kisses. But you always want to greet them with a kiss. You always wanna leave them with a kiss. You always wanna make sure, that you are cultivating that intimacy. I also think you can cultivate the intimacy, by every time you pass by your lover in the house, give them a kiss. Whenever you pass by them, give them a kiss. Give them a kiss whenever you pass by. And that will also help to cultivate that intimacy, and be mindful about how you're approaching your affection, you know, within your household. I also say, try to implement this when you're out of the house as well, just because you want to be able to keep that connection, when the busyness is all around. So if you're, you know, I don't know, out at a bar, or out at a concert, or somewhere, you just wanna make sure, that you are implementing those kisses, and giving each other that attention, because those are essentially, sort of like, dopamine hits, right? And guess what? Remember, dopamine helps to regulate sexual desire. So, super, super important, to make sure you regulate that. And then you also wanna follow up, your intentional long hugs. So, you know, I always say, "Hey, hug for at least 20 seconds." I would love for you to hug for at least a minute. Get that oxytocin going. And then follow it up with a nice long kiss, right? So a nice long kiss, or maybe even some multi-kisses, can really help have that emotional bond. So oxytocin is one of those hormones, that helps with emotional well-being, and bonding to your partner. So the more that we're bonded, the more that we're more likely, to step off the brakes, step off the sexual brakes, and step on the sexual accelerator, to help us move into a sexual experience, or that sexual desire arousal. And then of course, like I said earlier, just have make-out sessions, with no sexual expectations. So you don't necessarily have to have sex, after you make-out. Make-out just to make-out, to keep that connection, to keep that maintenance with your partner, or with your lover. Just really make-out with no expectation. Sometimes when there's too much expectation on people, people tend to shut down a little bit. So, if we can disconnect those, and just say, "Hey, I wanna be sexual with you. "I wanna give my sexual energy to you, "by making out with you, "but we don't have to have that connected to sex." It can really be instrumental in healing people, especially those who come from, you know, a traumatic past. So super, super important to have make-out sessions, with no sexual expectations. And then just remember variety, and unpredictability, make you more attractive, and increases the chances, of your lover responding favorably, to your seductive advances in the long run. So, if we're thinking about our kissing, we thinking about our kissing maintenance, we're thinking about what we can do with our kisses. Variety. Variety and unpredictability. Those are the things, that are going to help us really be exciting for our lovers. So, if we can play those kissing games, if we can do those kissing triggers, if we can pull them to the side, or push 'em up against the wall and kiss them, you know, just something different and unique, that is going to help you really cultivate that action, and that arousal, and that responsive desire that we all want. But you know, sometimes it has to be planned. So make sure that you're okay with, you know, maybe you wanna plan your make-out sessions, for Tuesday and Thursday. That's okay. Maybe your partner doesn't need to know about it. Whatever. It's unpredictable, and it's a variety to them, so that's all that matters. (laughs) So, yeah. So that is the end of this presentation. Make sure you order your copy of the ultimate guide, to seduction and foreplay. We have a bunch of different kissing exercises in there. You know, I have one called The Kinky Kiss, where you, you know, you have your lover, and then you smack 'em, and then you, you know, (kisses) you wanna kiss them afterwards, or kiss where you smack them. But we have a ton of different kissing exercises, that you'll really have fun with. And then you can also watch me, on Netflix's Trigger Warning with Killer Mike. And again, you can visit my website, at VelvetLipsSexEd.com for your future needs, or for other workshops. So, thank you all for the art of the sensual kiss.