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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Art of Dirty Talk. I am Marla Renee Stewart, your host for today. For your class rather. And the reason why I started this workshop is because I was really feeling intimidated when I got into bed with someone who was doing dirty talk. And I just did not know what to say. I was freezing. And by that time, when you're freezing or when you're frozen, you get out of your body. You're in your head. You're figuring out what do I say next. Am I gonna sound silly? What, you know, and I'm not that really witty to come up with anything. So I really wanted to make a workshop that combined not only the science of seduction, the science and art of seduction but also how are we verbally seducing people with our dirty talking with our words? So I'm super excited to bring this workshop to you today. But before we even get started, I wanna introduce you to myself. Again, I'm Marla, and I am a sexologist, sex coach, educator. I'm Black, cisgender, femme, queer, able-bodied, middle-class, married, non-monogamous person in a monogamous relationship. I'm kinky. I'm a wannabe parent. I'm spiritual. I'm an athlete. I'm an extrovert. And I'm a Taurus. And I'm a pleasure activist as well as a sexual strategist. And my educational background. I got my BA in psychology. I minored in human sexuality and LGBT studies. I got my master in sociology with a gender sexuality emphasis, and it actually was in a Ph.D. program and have done all the Ph.D. work but do not have letters, but, you know, that's a different story for a different time. And then my specialties are in helping people build up their sexual confidence, helping people with seduction, their communication skills, especially around in relationships, enhancing their sex skills. So giving those tools that you need to, what I call build your sex arsenal. I teach kink and BDSM, non-monogamy, LGBTQ+ sexualities, HIV, and public health. So if you're curious about any of those things, you can feel free to contact me about any or all of those. As you can see, Velvet Lips is my company. It's a sex education company of where I do the sexual strategy of coaching and workshops. And that is where I basically have a combination of sex therapy, comprehensive sex ed, and somatic bodywork. And so I have my own curriculum that I've guided people with that for many, many years now, almost 11 years. And then I'm also the co-founder of the Sex Down South Conference, which is a conference aimed at learning about sex. So similar to this, we are gathering, learning, and when we are finished, we have fun and party at night. And then, I also teach at Clayton State University, teaching women's and gender studies and sociology. And so I've been teaching there for six years, and it's a blast. I teach everything from gender and sexuality to feminist theories to all sorts of stuff. Anyway, and then I also am part of SPARK Reproductive Justice NOW, which is an RJ organization aimed at helping Black women, as well as fostering LGBTQ youth leadership around reproductive justice. So today, what we're going to do is we are going to address any fears that you have when it comes to dirty talk. We are going to know the difference between low arousal, mid arousal or more arousal, and high arousal phrases and what that even means. And then we're also gonna gain a little bit more confidence to say dirty talk phrases when appropriate. So making sure we know what to do and how to do it. All right, so I'm super, super excited. So let's get this started. - All right, so one of the first things that we want to do is we want to address our fears, right? What is going on in your head? You wanna get aware, be in your body. What are your fears when it comes to dirty talk? So if you have the worksheet that goes along with this class, you'll see on page two, you'll see, "What are your fears when it comes to dirty talk?" And I want you to just write those down just take a moment, write those down see what you come up with. A lot of times common fears tend to be rejection, right? Having somebody say like, oh, you know, or laugh at you or really not be into it. Or sometimes people have a fear of sounding bad, not being sexy, not invoking their low, sexy, deep tones. They're also sometimes scared of, you know not having reciprocation, right? Thinking about my own situation of where I wanted to dirty talk. And there was, I couldn't reciprocate, because I didn't have the words, right? So some people actually fear like saying something and then not being able to get any dirty talking back. And that can also be a little intimidating. And then another piece is just, getting out of your head. We want to be in our bodies, we wanna be present in the sexual experience. And one of our fears it just might be, you know, we just jump out and we automatically get into our heads. So those are just some common fears. But right now, just take a moment. Think about what are your fears when it comes to dirty talk. - I would like for you to think about your new dirty talk affirmation, right? So, when we go into this dirty talk, we're not born just to be great dirty talkers. I mean, some of us are, some of us are really great dirty talkers, but you know, some of us aren't, and that's perfectly okay. So what we wanna do is we want to create a new dirty talk affirmation for ourselves. And I'm really in the positive affirmations. I think they really help to transform and train your brain into thinking the way that you want, the ways that you want, in the ways that you want. So with affirmations, they must be present tense. They must be personal. They must be emotional or dramatic I like to say, and of course, they must be in the affirmative, right? So when you are dirty, you could say something just as simple as, I wanna be or I am the best dirty talker people have ever heard. It could be something as simple as that. It could be like, I am the best or my dirty talk is so filthy. It'll make you cum with your words, right. Or I'll make you cum with my words, I should say. So thinking about the ways that we are saying these affirmations, we wanna be able to create them and we wanna be able to repeat them at least twice a day, out loud and be emotional and dramatic with it, right? So I am the best dirty talker you have ever heard in your life. Something like that. And maybe it's putting it up on your mirror. Maybe it's putting it by the bed, whatever it is, you wanna make sure that it is accessible to you. - Next step. We want to set ourselves up for success. You wanna set up for success. And what you wanna do is, that means you want to talk with your lover ahead of time. You gotta talk to your lover ahead of time. Talking to them in bed, in the bedroom is not a good idea. It's really best to talk with them ahead of time in a casual situation, right? So maybe that's on the couch, maybe that's during dinner, maybe that is at a time where you are not being sexually involved. You wanna put, you don't wanna put a lot of pressure on your partner to talk about these things and we want it to be a nice casual conversation, but also just a nice deep discussion, where you all are communicating very well. So, the first thing you wanna do is ask what kind of dirty talk your lover likes. And at the same time, this is also helpful to talk about what kind of dirty talk you also like to hear, right? So, there's several different ways that you can think about dirty talk, right? Dirty talk doesn't always have to be dirty or filthy or nasty or whatever, right? You can think about dirty talk that's being adored, like you can be adored, right? So, "I love how beautiful your lips are. I worship your nice, beautiful ass," whatever it is that adored talk, you can speak to that. So think about, what do you like to hear? Do you wanna be adored? Do you wanna be challenged? Do you wanna be directed? Do you want romantic stuff? Do you want something that's ego-stroking, or maybe you want something that's a little bit more detailed, right? So I talked about adored and so, also challenged, right? "I dare you to cum before me," right? Or "I dare you to whatever it could be," right? So things can also be a challenge and we'll get to some of those phrases later on. You can also be directed or like direction sense, right? "Go over there and get on your knees, like a good girl," right? Or romantic, right? "I love the way you love me." Or even ego-stroking, right? "Your pussy is so beautiful. It just blows every other pussy I've ever seen out of the water," right? Or maybe it's detailed, right? "I love the way, I love the way I turn you on when I see you dripping down your leg." Or whatever the case may be, right? It could be detailed, usually the more detailed, the better. And those usually are folks who are very visual, who I like to see, and these also can be useful for phone sex or when you're sexting, you can also replace the words here and there. So it's really great to think about what kind of dirty talk you would really like, adored, challenged, directed, romantic, ego-stroking or detailed, right? So, next you also want to discuss your hard limits, right? And make sure you are clear about what will take you out of the moment and into your head. What's gonna take you out of your body and what's gonna get you in your head, 'cause that's the part where we wanna avoid, right? Maybe it's trigger words, maybe it's if there's certain things that you don't want someone to say or if they said them that it would totally just turn you off, right? Or how they say something. So, for example, I had a client that said, "I love humiliation, but if you're gonna humiliate me, you're gonna call me a whore or something like that, you can't talk about my intelligence, don't insult my intelligence, and you can't talk about my weight, don't insult my weight," right? "So you can call me a filthy whore, you can call me a nasty whore, but don't call me a dumb whore, and don't call me a fat whore," right? So think about the ways that you like dirty talk, but also think about what's gonna take you out. What's gonna just get you out of your pleasure zone, so that it's gonna be hard for you to step back into your pleasure zone, because we wanna avoid those moments. And if you talk with your lover ahead of time, you'll see that, "Hey, oh, well, this makes sense, it's perfect. I won't say these things, you won't say these things, and then we can enjoy our moments together." - So let's get aroused. So we are going to think about our low arousal phrases, our more arousal phrases and our high arousal phrases. So we want to start small and work your way up. And the reason for that is you wanna get used to your own voice saying things. You wanna get your brain used to something new especially if you've been quiet or you didn't really know what to say or how to say it, this is the opportunity to get used to yourself saying something over and over again. And one word that I really love that I like to start out with is yes. So when we think about low arousal, it's going to be a nice yes, yes, yes. And then we move up into more arousal, it's gonna get a little bit faster, a little bit more energy, yes, yes. And then high arousal is gonna be like, yes, yes. So practicing your low arousal to more arousal to high arousal is going to help you in the bedroom overall because you're going to see how you can use your voice, but it all starts with practice. So on your worksheet, you will see on pages four, five, and six, you'll see all the different phrases that I have laid out for you. Now, please feel free to be creative, work your phrases if you like something, but want to turn something around, please by all mean do that. Being creative is the first and foremost the thing that you wanna do most because you wanna be thoughtful with your dirty talk. You just don't wanna be saying the same dirty talk that anybody or some generic dirty talk, you really want to cater it to your lover or lovers and be thoughtful in that process. So what you wanna do, of course, after you've talked to your lover, you find key phrases that resonate with you and your lover. So, what is your partner like? What do you think would arouse them? Thinking about your best sexual assets, maybe it's your boobs, maybe it's your dick. I don't know and think about how you would incorporate them into your dirty talk. And so this is the opportunity to write down all of these different things. What is my partner like? What are the things that I can say? And so right now, I definitely encourage you to go over the phrases and see which ones resonate with you, which ones are the ones that you think would be best coming out of your mouth and we're gonna practice all of them, but it's really helpful to know ahead of time which ones would be better for you. So when we're thinking about getting from low arousal to high arousal, we have to understand our tone, our fluctuations, our pace as well as our erotic intention. We want to turn this person on that's in front of us so how are we going to do it? So we're gonna use the tone of our voice. We're gonna use fluctuations, go up and down in our speech and then we're also going to think about pace or what I like to call flow. So something around like low arousal, we wanna make sure our words are flowing into one another, but we're taking our time with each of those words. So if you wanna pick a phrase and then when you get that phrase, choose one word that you want to accentuate with your voice remembering that it will be a longer pause. So it might be we wanna just take one of the words and just think about how we can pause on it, emphasize it, understand our tone or erotic intention and inject it into that word. But of course, before we practice, it is time for us to breathe cause I know sometimes we get a little nervous or we get a little maybe intimidated by the thought of dirty talking so we wanna breathe, we wanna center ourselves. And so I encourage you to breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, do it again, but breathe all the way down to your genitals. So breathe into your genitals all the way down and exhale through your mouth. And we just wanna get a little bit more relaxed so we can step into this moment and step into our dirty talk. So now let's really get started. - Now we're gonna go over some lovely, dirty talk phrases, right. So we are going to move into low arousal, and I'm going to say these sentences, and you can very much, you know, repeat, pause, do whatever you need to do, so that you can get the grasp of what I'm trying to do. And of course it all takes practice. So the more you practice it, the more you'll get into it, and the more it'll be easier for you when you're actually in bed. So low arousal is like, if you think about going to a strip club, right, and when you go to a strip club, what happens, right? They take off their clothes really slowly. That's how I want you to speak. So I want you to think about all the different things you could say, but I want it nice, and I want the flow to be nice. And of course, you're still thinking about that one word that you wanna accentuate, right. So for instance, I'll go through all of them, and then, of course, you pick the ones you want, and be creative and repeat them. All right, so tell me how you play with yourself. You are so naughty! Do you like it when I touch you here? Use me as your toy. I wanna be yours all night long. Touch yourself. I wanna watch you. It drives me wild when you look at me that way. I always get what I want. Remember that. I'm yours for the night. Tell me what you want. You can have me any way you want. What a sweet, sexy ass. Babe, you have to follow all my rules right now. I want to undress and wait for me in the bedroom. I want you to undress and wait for me in the bedroom. I love pleasing you. The sounds you make drive me crazy. You're mine. I adore how naughty you are, right? And so, as we move into more and more arousal, right, we think about going a little bit faster. And so, if we're thinking about going faster, that also means we need to put a little bit more energy into it. So I encourage you to do maybe 20 jumping jacks, right. Get your run in place for a good, you know, three minutes, run hard in place and get your heart rate up, and that way you'll be able to go a little bit faster, but you'll know what it feels like when you're aroused, right, and you'll be able to manage that. So more arousal. We're gonna go a little bit faster, and our volume is going to go a little bit more up, okay. So lick every inch of me. Lie back and shut up. I'm gonna make you cum until you can't breathe. Come over here and ride me hard! I have no intention of stopping. You better get used to it. Okay, sir, you can have any hole you want. I love the way it sounds when you fuck me. Don't stop! I love it when you do that! I'm so fucking wet! Get over here, handsome, and show me who's boss. Where do you wanna cum? No stops this time. Let's see how many times I can make you cum. Maybe you should spank me. I've been a very, very bad. Get on your hands and knees, sweetheart, and wait like a good girl, a good boy. Spread your legs for me. Your body is mine tonight. You like it when I spread my legs and take you in deep? I love sucking you. So those are all examples. Of course, I encourage you to always create your own. And then in high arousal, right, we are going to go hard, right. So it's gonna get a little bit louder right now, and you wanna give it all that energy, right. So you fuck me now! Right. Give me your cum. I want it in my mouth. Let me taste you. Like these are the sentences that you are on the peak of arousal. You might be on the brink of orgasm. So you want to be loud. You wanna be guttural. You wanna be boisterous. However you wanna be, 'kay? I'm going to fuck you so good right now. You want it in your pussy or in your ass? Shut up! I'll fuck you however I want, naughty little whore! Lick me clean right now! Put your dick inside my hole and fuck me senseless! If that's what you want, grab my head and force me! I want your cum all over me. Cover me with it! Do you love my juicy pussy, or do you love my big dick? Tell me that you love it. Don't you dare cum until I say you can! You little slut, I'm going to fuck you 'til you can't walk! Fuck my tight cunt, daddy, and fill me up! Faster, deeper, harder! What a hot nasty girl, or what a hot nasty boy you are! Cum in my mouth. Leave your taste on my tongue. So as you can see, out of all of those, I'm really getting into it. I'm really putting in my erotic intention. I'm really going for it, and that is the thing that you really need to practice when you are moving into dirty talk and when you're practicing. So yeah, practice, practice, practice all of those. - All right, now that you have mastered the art of dirty talk well, you're gonna practice mastering the art of dirty talk. Here are some very, very much needed key takeaways for you, okay? First is, use your creativity to cater to your lover and their dirty talk needs, as well as your own. There's nothing better than being thoughtful around your dirty talk and really catering to what your lover needs. Your erotic intention can help guide your tone, fluctuation, and pace. So remember, you wanna be thinking and embodying, what does it feel like to actually say this sentence? Okay? Ground yourself in your breathing before you start to practice, just don't go practicing all willy-nilly. Ground yourself, breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth, so that you can really practice and really take this on. And really, when you're practicing, practice while you are by yourself and doing the mundane, and listen actively to yourself, okay? When you practice when you're by yourself, you are able to mess up, fuck up, in all the ways, but you really wanna practice by yourself and you wanna do it while you're doing something mundane. Maybe you're in the car, maybe you're by yourself, maybe... You know, whatever it is, you wanna be by yourself and listening to yourself to see how you sound, right? It's sort of like our ears can tune into what we like and what we don't like in our voices. And then you can start with one or two words and practice your arousal states, okay? So, "Yes!" "Yes!" Yes!" Right? Or, "Tell me what you want." "Tell me what you want." "Tell me, what do you want?" Right? And then of course, you wanna memorize three to five key phrases and you wanna be able to say those over and over and over again. You wanna get them stuck in your head, you wanna get them to come out to make sure they're coming out naturally. Now, we can say the same dirty talk phrase over and over and over again. If you feel like, "Okay, now it's three months, six months," and you're like, "Okay, it's time to change 'em up because it's feeling too repetitive," you know, in your sexual experiences, just, you know... You can change them up, and I've given you lots of different phrases, and if you don't like those phrases, you can easily just modify them with different adjectives, anything that you feel that would cater to your lover. And then of course, have fun. You know, if you fuck up, laugh about it, keep it moving, keep it light and playful in the bedroom. Don't let, you know, if you mess up somehow, just, you know, mess up your whole entire time. Just laugh about it, keep it moving, we all fuck up. And it would be nice, something funny, and you actually will probably will create a memorable sexual experience out of it, and those are always fun to cherish, so... Make sure, if you have it already, you'll find more and wonderful, dirty talk phrases in the Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay, the book (indistinct) that Dr. Jess and I wrote, so make sure you check that out. And if you have any questions, you can feel free to email me at [email protected]. So I hope you have enjoyed this class and cheers to your sexual success.