Dirty Talk Skills Onlinekurs:
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Hi, everyone. I'm Luna Matatas. I'm a sex and pleasure educator and I'm based out of Toronto, Canada. I get the lovely job of helping you get some dirty talk skills. And the beautiful thing about Dirty Talk is that it absolutely is a skill. So a lot of times people feel that you know, I'm just not going to be good at Dirty Talk or some people are just better at it. I'm not hot enough to do dirty talk. And while it's true that sometimes, you know, folks definitely have a very diverse range of the ability to have a vivid imagination, it doesn't mean that dirty talk isn't a skill. So we can all learn dirty talk. We can absolutely learn how to come into a space where dirty talk becomes something that we can actually wield as a tool. And so it becomes part of our sexiness, it becomes part of our way of coming into contact with, you know, parts of ourselves that are parts of our sexuality. This idea of dirty talk is one of the most imaginative and infinitely creative ways of bringing spiciness a flavor, an archetype, a mood, a vibe into the bedroom. And what's amazing about that is that it keeps our sex completely spicy. It keeps us kind of humble, and it also finds other ways for us to build confidence. So you may not feel super confident with, you know, sex with the lights on or maybe there's a part of your body you don't like. But once you're able to wield a sexy tool that you feel is an extension of, you know, the sexiness beyond all the self-judgment, that's where we start to feel confident. That's where we start to feel like this is a place where I can actually shine in my own version of sexiness. So whenever we tap into any of our sexy skills, whenever we tap into something that is connected to parts of our sensuality, that's where we get an opportunity to actually be more of our authentic, sexy selves. And versus this version of sexy that is, you know, really like none of us meet it, you know, like maybe 1% of us meets that version of Sexy that celebrated by the media. So if you want to tell me in the chat or you just want to think about, you know, what is it about dirty talk that turns you on, Is there a particular word? Do you like it in a particular scenario? So maybe if you're doing something like a role play, you find it really sexy. Do you find that communication in the bedroom asking for what you want, saying what you don't want is easier or more fun with dirty talk. Do you find that it's just something that, you know, you listen to and there's certain things that just make you melt? That's also a really good reason why people think that dirty talk is sexy. We may just find one or two or three things sexy, and that's enough. So tonight we are going to learn, know, seven different types of dirt. I did this, but seven different types of dirty talk. Tonight. I'm also going to teach you three ways of delivering your dirty talk. So the delivery of dirty talk, you know, is actually I think I think it's more important than what you say. I think how you say something, the the stuff that you bring into a space actually creates more of a connection to our auditory sense that's getting all tickled when when we start to engage in dirty talk. And so I'm going to tell you how to do that because there really is an upper to nitty to do it in a way that doesn't put a lot of pressure on memorizing a script. You can also tell me, because I'm going to tell you my first experience with Dirty Talk, but tell me if there's something about the kind of dirty talk that we hear in porn that you like or that you don't like about it. And so with porn, we know porn is is performance. And so often the dirty talk is really, you know, over the top. Right. And in the same way that if you go see a musical, all of the emotions and the entertainment is over the top because it's entertainment, it's performance. And so I used to watch porn and think, I don't know, I don't know. That sounds kind of weird, but is is that what people like, like and or I thought, well, I don't get it. Like what's hot about it? Like, maybe I'm not sexy enough to understand that, that this is sexy. And then when I tried to do the stuff in porn, I just felt ridiculous. And so there you know, there's no secret do to kind of being more confident and dirty talk. I'm going to give you things to practice and skills, but your dirty talk can feel silly and awkward without it feeling like you don't belong in it. You know, when I listen to porn and dirty talk and porn, it just feels like it's not landing in the same way. Then a dirty talk that that we actually do in in the bedroom and with our partners. So, you know, it's dirty talking porn I definitely was just like whoa there's a lot of like ooh. Oh, right. Like, there's a lot of, like high pitch kind of noises in between, whatever they're seeing. And in real life, I mean, sex tends to produce noises that are more guttural, right? They're a little bit more like, like gut. They're like primal kind of sounds. If we're not if we're not performing. And the same thing goes with the words that we say during Dirty talk. The words are going to be things that are much more natural and don't sound as flamboyant. So you may have doubts that what you're saying isn't working, but I'm going to tell you how to say things, what to say, and then what your options are for the types of dirty talk that that you may identify with better. Right? Some of you might find a certain kind of dirty talk easier to start with or just more confident to start with. And also, depending on your partners, we're going to talk about how do we deal with shy or reluctant partners? Maybe we're the shy or reluctant partners. Those strategies for if we're kind of engaging with them, and then also about safety. So words have boundaries, too. And so how do you figure out, you know, what someone's boundary is around a particular phrase or word or style of dirty talk. All right. So dirty talk is sexy because it engages our auditory, our oral, not oral sense, right? So is our auditory sense. So it actually brings us into the present moment. Any time we engage one of these senses, it gives us something to kind of grip on to in reality. So if you're someone that, you know, really struggles to say present during sex, if you get distracted, if you end up in your head, if you're like, Oh man, I love what they're doing, and then you're like, Oh, I don't like my arm. It giggles or do we have mustard? Did you do the laundry? What do I have to do with that Zoom meeting tomorrow? You know, so if you if you lose your way in, in being present in the pleasure that's available to you, dirty talk is something that can actually help you stay anchored in the present moment. So if you're like me and get distracted, dirty talk can be a way to come back into your body. All right. I'm talking in a sexual way. Can also help us guide our partners closer to the type of pleasure that we actually like. So if if you can relate, you know, let me know if you can relate to having either put up with or just kind of check out of something that your partner's doing because you were worried that if you gave them feedback, it might be perceived as rejection, it might be perceived as, you know, that they're not doing something good. And so a lot of times we don't know how to communicate are yeses and our nos in the bedroom. And for some of us it's because we don't have the words. We don't know how to articulate the types of things we like. We don't know that our penis likes, you know, firmer pressure or that our clit like circular pressure. And that's that's a content piece. But then for a lot of us, we just feel, you know, that it's not normal to give a partner feedback and help them adjust to the type of pleasure that that we like. So Dirty Talk can be a form of like verbal lube to really get in there and help someone understand that it is sexy that we are figuring out my pleasure together and I'm going to affirm the things that you are doing real well down there. And I'm going to gently encourage you, or maybe not gently, maybe you're playing with a rougher or a more dominant kind of vibe, and you might guide them through your words to do something else that actually feels better for you. When we start to use Dirty Talk also as a way to talk about what we would like. So, you know, be like, What are you in the mood for tonight? Off? I would just love for you to kiss me from ankle to nipples or whatever you want and, you know, make me melt. I want to melt tonight in your mouth. So that sounds different than you know. I don't know. Maybe we could go down on each other, which can be cute and playful, too. But if you want to start the seduction and using the communication, then that's a great place to start to sink into a different character. So a character doesn't have to be you know, like a kitten or a daddy or whatever. It just means that the person that you are that has bills to pay and toilet paper to buy and dishes to wash, the person that that we're bringing out right now doesn't talk about toilet paper like toilet paper. They say, get that toilet paper. Right? So it's a different vibe that we want to shift into. And Dirty Talk can be your road to that. It almost interrupts the thoughts that are in our head. So that example of like the me that has to buy toilet paper versus the ME that has to get oily paper, you know, is there two different lives? One is like easy going, ready to roll. The other one's like, God, like, is it on sale somewhere? And do I have to like, where's my mask? And like, is there any line up? So is we're bringing different energy into it. So the words that we say, but more about how you say it. I had a partner of that. We we enjoy playing with different types of fantasies and excuse me, for a lot of us, when we go into role play or fantasy, it can be really intimidating. And you're not sure. You were like, Oh, we played like Kitten and Fox like last week. Are we doing that again this week or we played like Daddy last week. Are we doing that right now? So Dirty Talk can also be a way for you to cue the changes in the moods that you're having, and that also helps people feel a little bit more comfortable taking the lead. And so if you're someone that normally doesn't initiate or take the lead on things, dirty talk can be a way for you to give a green light to engage in this way. So, for example, my this partner that I was speaking about, we would go into a role, plays a dominant and submissive. And so I was actually the I was a switch then. So I would go into submissive role and so I would start to say things like, well, I don't know, I've been pretty naughty tonight. I'm not sure if I deserve that. And so that would be like, Oh, cool. Like he's going to take the dominant role. And when I wanted to go into the dominant role, I'd be like, Huh, I saw those naughty little looks you were giving my chest all night. You think that you're going to go unpunished or unrewarded for that? And and so we were able to not have a big discussion about like, Oh, do you feel like being the Dom tonight? I don't know. How do you feel? Like I just kind of like bringing the vibe to life. So you're going to be able to do that. You're going to be able to do all these things. These are all going to be in your toolkit. Okay, So how many of you worry about Dirty Talk feeling like it's forced, like sounding cheesy sounding kind of like insincere or, you know, maybe sounding like you're acting? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, me too. Me too. And because a lot of it does come out that way, right? And so part of it is that we're going to change what the dirty talks sorry, what the dirty talk sounds like. But then we're also going to let go of some of the self judgment because you are going to say things wrong. You are going to forget things. You are going to, you know, say something that you think is so odd and you practice in front of the mirror and then your partner giggles and and you're going to feel like, oh, I don't know, will it? Maybe that wasn't good. And so part of expecting that you're going to sound a little silly, that you're going to sound awkward, it actually it actually moves you through that awkwardness and into a place of confidence because you know, the person receiving things. Then the starts to feel like, oh, it's okay to play and we actually need more play in our sex and less performance. But it's all right. It's all right if you lose confidence in between because the more that you focus on you know, what's what's kind of coming out of you that you can't actually control, the less energy that you have to focus on what you can control, which is what you're saying and how you're saying it. All right. So let us talk about how you get started with Dirty Talk. So I'm going to give you one sort of general way to get started with dirty talk. And then I'm going to give you seven different types of dirty talk that you can play with. And if you find it challenging to, like, come up with with what to say, we're going to we're going to focus a lot on on the how to say it. So I'm going to give you some exercises as well that we can practice tonight and you can also practice on your own. So there are moments where silence is like deeply arousing and it can be deeply meaningful. And so you don't necessarily have to be talking, you know, continuously while you are dirty talking. You can say things and then put something in your mouth and then come back up and say something else, put your mouth somewhere else. So you have these moments where you can say something and let it land and then move on. Right When I when I first got started with Dirty Talk, I had a partner who said, you know, why don't you blindfold me? And I was like, Fucking fantastic. Yeah, because then I don't have to watch you watch me, right? So you can either create a situation where your partner is blindfolded or where you're putting them in a position where they're not looking at you so that you may have them lying on their stomach and you could be lying on top of them on their back and either touching them or whispering to them or massaging them. And that way they're not watching you as you're trying to control your expression, your voice, all these things, they just get to hear it. It also heightens the sensation for them because they're not focused on engaging with all their senses. They're just really listening to what you're saying. When you start thinking about what you want to talk about in Dirty Talk. And a good place is when you're starting to fool around with your partner or you're starting to maybe your sexting, you know, where a lot of us are not near our partners right now. So if you're sexting or video chatting or you're sending voice messages, you could always say something like, hey, you know, and so tell me about that. That that fetish or that fantasy you have about me, you know, coming in in fishnets or, you know, me fucking you in public like, tell me more about that. So a really good place to start with Dirty Talk is to explore both of your fantasies. And that is just a simple Have you ever thought about or I saw this thing or this pervert Luna was talking about pet play and and so you can kind of just like take inspiration in a neutral non obligation type of way to start to bring more colorful language to the things that turn you on. And what's exciting about that is you then get a sense of the type of dirty talk that your partner might be delighted by because you could walk into the bedroom and I may give you all these phrases and you might start baby talk dirty talking them, right? So being very cute and very passive and I'm not turned on by baby talk, dirty talk at all. It actually is a turn off for me. It's a turn on for a lot of people. And so it just really depends on what you're into. And I had someone once I said that I was into Dirty Talk and in the middle of things, like he just kept calling me whore and fucking whore and this and that, and I was like, okay, that's not doing it for me. And at that time I didn't have any communication skills. Had we been sexting before, I might have said, I love being called slut in the bedroom, not so into whore, but I love being a slut. And so when we start to talk about fantasies and describe them more, then, Oh, I want to be spanked. And when we start to say like, Oh, okay, so do you want to be spanked with my bare hand or do you want to paddle? Do you want to feel naughty? Do you want to feel bratty? Do you want to feel helpless? This is all information that we are taking and packing away so that we can give dirty talk that actually is going to tickle their erotic imagination. So that makes sense. We're going to look for their fantasies and start to tease out conversations around them. So Dirty Talk This is an example of dirty talk as communication. Another way that you can start playing with dirty talk is when your partner is doing something or you're doing something to your partner. Start giving feedback or kind of you're just sort of telling the story of what's happening, right? So if your partner is kissing down your body and they're making their way to your genitals and you know you're going to get some really good oral, you might say something like, Oh God, I can't wait for your mouth to be on me again. And that's all that's dirty talk, right? And they're going to be like, or, Oh, yeah, me too. And they're going to get into it. Or they might just already have their mouth full. So when we we kind of engage dirty talk with stuff that we already know we like, that becomes a way to build confidence because you already know you like that. You already know that you're going to get that. It's not a risk that you're asking for something. The level of vulnerability is a little bit lower. So I hope those feel like, like easier ones to start with. And then I'm going to give you seven other types. So you've got like ten options for where to start? Okay, are you ready for the seven types of dirty talk? if you're starting to come up with all kinds of insecurities and you're like, I don't know, I don't do it. Don't worry. We're like, we're just ramping up. This is just, you know, the appetizer. So one of the easiest types of dirty talk, I think, to start with is narration. And so narration is an extension of that example of sinking into things that you already like and giving feedback about them. Narration means that you're going to just look at what's happening and you're going to narrate it, and this is a great one to play with. If you're focusing on your delivery. So if your partner has, you know, kissed down your body and now they're between your legs, you might say, Fuck you, looks so hot down there. If you're playing with a different type of tone, you might be like, Oh my God, you look so amazing right there. Right? So those are two different types of eyes. One's like kind of sultry and like owning it, and the other one's like, Oh my God, I can't like, I can't even, like, almost like you can't contain yourself. What other vibes or moods do you think you could play with? Like what other kinds of elements or characters or spice can you bring into that space? So a lot of times with narration, it's really good for folks who are turned on by the esthetics of sex. So for example, if someone had their hand going across my chest, I might say, Oh my God, I love watching your hand go across my chest. And so I'm seeing it, you know, kind of sexy and kind of fast. But imagine slowing that down. They're going to cross my chest. And I'm like, Mm, I love watching your hand all over my chest. I can't wait to see where you're going to put it next or put it in my pussy right now or touch my butt. Yes, you can. Okay. You're not you're don't do that. You're not going to you're not going to do that, but you're going to to bring it to a place where you get a chance to use what you're visually seeing and then you get to narrate it back out. So that's also something that's really affirming for the person that's doing the thing. So the person that's putting your hand, putting their hand on your chest for the person that's eating you out or going down on you for the person that that's massaging you, you giving verbal narration of what's happening in a sexy way is enthusiasm. It's a way for you to show and affirm and reassure them that they are giving you some good pleasure. That's also a way for you to redirect pleasure. And so let's say you notice that your person is going down on you and they're doing it a little bit too quickly. So they're either, you know, they've got the penis in their mouth or a vulva in their mouth, and they're just like doing it a little bit too fast. You could be like, Oh, I love watching you between my legs. Like, could you slow it down and just be there forever? And so that that gives a cue that's like, Oh yeah, oh, okay, cool. And instead of being like, That's too fast, it hurts. Slow it down, which is also valid. But if you want to make your, your feedback into a more of a delivered type of or a sexy delivery, then you can do that with narration. It's pretty it's pretty simple to pair the feedback and the narration together. How do we feel about narration? Do we think that's something we could start with? I've got more if you don't. Some people in my classes think that narration isn't easy, so you might have something else that that feels like an easier one to start with. Okay, so another one is permission. So permission is about asking permission to do something. And so it sounds it's actually wonderful for being able to practice ongoing consent, but permission can also be a form of submission. It could be permission to, you know, pleasure, your dominant or pleasure your partner. Permission could also be a way of getting enthusiasm from your partner. So permission feels like, oh, like I love eating you out or I love going down on you. I really want to fuck you. Can we do that now? And so sometimes it's it's desire paired with with permission. And we'll talk about desire as another type of dirty talk. But permission is asking specifically to do something. So it could also be, Can I get your favorite toy I want? I want to fuck you with your favorite toy. And so permission doesn't have to have a big delivery. It also could have a big delivery. But the fact that someone comes to you and says something and owns what they want to do next is sexy enough on its own. And so if you kind of go in there and you're like, Can I kiss your nipples? First of all, it's going to be adorable. Second of all, it's it's bold when people communicate, even if they're they're asking for permission to do something. And it feels like like, you know, you're you're on a lower power side. It's actually about speaking your desire into an action. And so permission could also be, you know, I want to I want to put my tongue, you know, in whatever area you want to put your tongue. So insert area. So the difference between some of the other types of dirty, dirty talk, we're going to talk about and permission is you're asking specific engagement of this other person to do the thing. And this is really good. If you're someone who plays with let's say you're not sure if you're let's let's take your is examples of if you're not sure if your partner is interfacing and they're just going down on you and you love it or you're kissing them and you're thinking about like my wish, like my lips were, you know, or my my other lips were attached to this face, you might you might want to ask to, like, shift things. So maybe you're done with whatever you're doing right now and your permission is to move on to something else. Your permission could be to move on to an activity that you're not really sure if they like, but instead of stopping everything and being like, um, is it okay if I sit on your face? Like, you could be like, Oh, I need to sit on your face. Can I see on your face? That's dirty talk, right? Like that. That is also a form of dirty talk. All right, So we got face sitting in the permission. So another form of dirty talk is desire. And so desire is different than permission, because desire doesn't necessarily mean that we have to do this thing right now. So I could desire to be covered in all of your juices by the end of the night. I could desire to see you screen them and moan and, you know, be hard and wet all over this room. I could desire to hear you scream My name When you're coming on my face. I could desire to fuck you until you fall asleep. And so desire is about kind of adding that affection for the activity that you want to do. So whereas permission is like, I want to do this thing. Can we do this right now? Desire is like, Oh my God, I'm going to die if I can't do this thing. Like, can we? You know, like this is do you want to do this thing? Is this a thing like, are we going to do this thing? And so sometimes for some people, the desire and speaking the desire out, it actually turns them on. Because when you own your desire, that becomes a form of confidence. So I just I'll give you an example of desire for me. So I used to be really hesitant to tell people if they were going down on me for them stay down there longer. And so because I was like, I don't know if they like it, like I was worried about how I tasted and how I smelled and like, you know, I just didn't have any communication skills at all, Right? Yeah. Like this is a thing like we're all worried about, you know, like, does this person even like this? And and so desire came in really as a tool more to turn me on, but to also speak my truth about the moment, to speak that like hotness that was burning inside of me that I felt shy to maybe ask, or that I felt a little bit unsure if they were into it, but I knew that it was turning me on. And so desire is actually a really good one. If you're if you have a partner that's kind of reluctant or shy, desire is sometimes one that you can use that helps them kind of just they can giggle, you know, they can just smile, they can. Mm. Or yeah, you know, they can, they can do something that doesn't require a lot of engagement because desire usually lands pretty powerfully in the middle of the connection. And desire is one of the ones, I mean narration and permission also. But desire really comes alive with your delivery. And one of my favorite examples of, of desire. It's kind of a combination of desire and permission, but I love using this one in class. And, you know, you can really use desire to make anything sexy. And so I could say, Oh, I really want some nachos. And that's my desire for nachos. That's a true deep desire not to pose. So I want you, if you're at home and you're able to to do this, try that. Try that with me. I want some nachos. You're going to do the pause. You're going to do the exhale. You're going to do the facial and the body sinking into it. Desire fills us in. It actually is one of the forms that that really helps kind of loosen us up because it makes us feel sultry without it being over-the-top. Porn takes desire to kind of, you know, like, fuck me, I want to fuck you want to fuck you so hard and, you know, your dirty talk doesn't have to be raunchy if you don't want it to. It doesn't have to contain a lot of fucks, doesn't have to contain a lot of obscenities unless they turn you on. Another one I have for you. Oh, okay. So this one is is around compliments. So compliments is a form of dirty talk. How many of you struggle to receive a compliment? If you said to me, I like your shirt, I would be like, I need it. I'm not sure. I don't know. Like, yeah, I got it for $5. And and we want to almost take away from the awesomeness that someone is complimenting. And so a lot of times in the bedroom, not being able to receive compliments is connected deeply to not being able to receive pleasure. How many of you struggle with receiving pleasure do you worry about, you know, your partner's performance or what your partner thinks of you, or you taking too long to come or you come too quick, or you're wet or you're not wet enough or you smell or all of those are ways of kind of not being able to receive. And so if I'm going to talk to two ways about compliments, so one is receiving them and one is giving them. So with receiving them, if your partner is someone who does this thing, you know, who's like, You're beautiful, you're beautiful, you're sexy, you're beautiful, you're sexy, and like beautiful and sexy or like these generalized terms, sometimes that actually makes us feel a little bit more unconfident because you know the specifics. If you said to me, like Luna, like your eyes are so sexy or you know, your nose is sexy, something that is a little bit more of a connector, like we want to feel special and seen. Ultimately, all of us want to be seen these moments and not judged. And so to be seen and admired, adored or worshiped in those moments either for our physical appearances, it could also be for how we sound, how we taste, how we smell. You know, what we're doing. You're so good at that. It's driving me crazy. Oh, I can't wait for this or that or whatever is on the menu for that night. So if you're giving a compliment, you know, you also want to be able to make it specific. If your partner isn't specific enough in a non sexual time, you could say, hey, you know, like I'm kind of, you know, I love like hearing you compliment me, but I feel it's hard for me to receive it. And if they're like, Oh no, you're beautiful and you're sexy and then you could say, Well, you know, I have a hard time dealing sexy because of my stomach and I have a hard time feeling sexy because of my arms. But I really like my smile, you know, What do you find sexy about me? And so this seems for a lot of people narcissistic. And it's not what it is, is that we're helping our partners understand what our needs are. They don't know, right? They're not going to automatically appreciate the things that, you know, our insecurities unless we voice that. So asking for reassurance, giving your partner an understanding of like babe, like, you know, these are these are up for compliments any time of day, Right? What I'll do sometimes is if someone's going down on me and if I feel shy about, you know, how I smell or how I taste, I might say, Oh, you're your mouth is just amazing on my pussy, you know? Tell me how much you like it or show me how much you like it. Tell me how good I taste. And you know, then they'll pop up and be like, Oh my God, you taste good. And then go back down. And I'm like, Cool. So? So you can ask for the compliment you want to receive, right? Like, tell me how good I taste. Tell me how much you like it. Tell me how much it turns you on. And it doesn't have to sound demanding. If that's not your vibe, it could also be like, Oh, can you tell me how good I taste? Can you tell me how good it feels? And so it could be, you know, a question versus like a demand. And so that's where we get the compliments to kind of become this this little circuit. It's like a little erotic circuit. So you've got kind of something going out to them and then they pick it up and they're like, Oh, yeah, shit. And then they come back and they're giving you exactly what you need, right? They're giving you exactly what you're craving. Good partners want this. If your partner has trouble receiving feedback and I have these partners all the time who have trouble receiving feedback, I'm. I was married for nine years and we didn't have good communication on my end or his end. And so giving feedback just like a frickin landmine to like, well, okay, then I won't do it, you know? So, you know, lots of us have bad experiences where compliments and feedback did not go well. And so just remember that you deserve to get pleasure the way that speaks to you. And sometimes people have these guards up, particularly anyone who's been socialized masculine or who identifies as a man. Masculinity doesn't leave a lot of room for this. Reciprocate shame. And so it's not that they're incapable of it as a human or as a person, but that their masculinity and their sexuality have often come into a space where it feels insulting to to have to learn about sex or learn about skills or learn about someone's body. So we can have empathy in those moments and really kind of say like, okay, this is important to me. And like, I would love to hear, you know, what you want me to do to you or like what your favorite parts are. Any of you one on dating apps or are you in long term partnerships? Or because you can also practice this on dating apps or through text if you're in a long term partnership. Long, long distance. Long term, long distance. Okay. Amazing. So this would be great for you. So with compliments sometimes, you know, if someone's like, Oh, hey, beautiful, or hey, this or hey that, you might go into a space where you say, you know, you give a compliment back, but you do it in a really specific way. So this long term, long distance might be, you know, I wish those cushy lips were next to me right now. You know, I'm touching my neck and I'm thinking about those soft lips on my neck. And so a compliment can be wrapped into desire. So you can like, get this like, mashup of different types of dirty talk. Now a flavor is sort of a mood or a vibe that you add into something to kind of deepen the sensation or the experience or bring out or inspire a feeling in the other person. And kissing, too. Yes. Okay, good. We're all we're all kissing sluts here. And you actually use flavors every day. You probably do. So you know that if you're on the phone with your cell phone provider and you're trying to get a deal or you're trying to correct a billing, you know, some of us go towards like a people pleasing kind of tone because we want them to think we're nice and we're going to this is me and we want them to try and help us because we're nice. Other people like my mother fully go into like, I don't know who you think you are, but I deserve 20% off of my last bill and my next bill. Right? So we we use our tone as well as what we're saying and how we're saying it in order to influence how we want our language to come across. And so I'm calling it a flavor you might call it a mood or a vibe, but what we're trying to do is think about how do we want this other person to feel. And so if I want you to feel helpless, I might use a mood or a vibe that is about fear. So I might use a threat. I might say something in a threatening kind of way. If we're feeling kind of playful with each other, or maybe you're kind of bratty, maybe you just are silly. You like being cute. I might use a vibe that is more whimsical or teasing or a little bit of denial, so. Oh, yeah, I see you looking down there. You want to put your mouse down there? I'm not sure you've earned it yet. If you're doing something that's a bit more stern. Right? It might be like, Why aren't you on your knees? You look better on your knees. And so you can kind of think about and it's silly out of context, right? See, it's silly and it's okay. I felt hot saying that. So you can also start to you know, I hope you're in a space where where you're able to say some of these out loud as I'm seeing them, because the the silliness actually comes with a flush of playfulness afterwards. And that immediately kind of chills you out. It will start to feel like, oh, I don't know what to say. I'm not saying the right thing. I don't know, Like Lenny can say that or I can't say that or I didn't like how she said that. She looked silly, you know, But but the thing is, is that especially when we're playing with flavors, the flavors are about holding that mood. It's about holding vibe, it's about making the whatever I'm saying on your knees or can I get on my knees? You know, that is an extension of me to you through this language or through this phrase I'm going to include in your notes. I find this really helpful and I use it with all my BDSM classes. It's a feelings wheel, and so you may have seen it already. It's a psychology tool. And so the feelings wheel it actually helps you understand what some of the meta feelings are from You can Google the feelings wheel. It allows you to see what some of the meta feelings are from the microfiche link. So a matter of feeling might be insecurity and the the micro feeling is fear. But in between that you might have annoyance, you might have irritation, you might have anger, you might have all these different types of things. So it gives you a bigger vocabulary when you can think about, you know. What feeling do I want to inspire in this person, or what feelings do I want to inspire in myself? I'll give you a really good example. Whenever I meet a new and you don't have to be kinky like this stuff, it can also be a part of non kinky situations. I just learned a lot of my dirty talk and kink or dirty talk and communication from take because you have to talk so much when you're doing kinky things and whatever. I mean, and you submissive. I don't know them really well maybe I've just met them on Tinder or Reddit or something and so I, I have to get into a zone where I'm not sure exactly what's going to work for them. We've probably talked about, you know, what they like to be called. We've talked a little bit about, you know, what types of things they like to do. I probably ask them, how do they like to feel? I ask them what turns them on about me. All four of those questions could also be asked with vanilla partners, right, Or partners who not kinky. I also ask those questions if I have. I mean, you know, pre-COVID like a a casual sex date or a Tinder date or something like that. I would ask like, oh, like what turns you on? I'm into this, this and this. Now, when you're when you're first kind of like sinking into it, what helps me in that communication with a submissive is that if I'm take if I'm starting to speak in a way that they enjoy, if they enjoy obedience, if they enjoy pleasing, if they someone mentioned service. Yes. If they enjoy any of those things, the language that I use is actually going to punctuate my power. Right. So as a as a goddess, if I'm saying, Oh, would you mind getting me that thing over there? That's a that's an act. That's a request. But if I was like, would you mind getting Goddess her glass over there and please bring it carefully over here. You know, those are that's a change in that demeanor. That was kind of a looking down. We could do it in a way that's also, you know, if you want to make Goddess really happy, you're going to go fetch her that glass over there. And you do want to make Goddess happy, don't you? And so in in ways that that we use dirty talk, it can bring out flavors that you're trying to find more confidence in, even if your what you're trying to find more confidence in is a more sexy version of yourself. Because I'm sure your sexiest back and we all don't feel that we're sexy as fuck. And so when we we want to bring out that sexiness A think about what a sexy version of you would say and do if a sexier version of you walked into the room, you know, how would they be holding their body? Where would they be looking? What would their face look like? How would they make people in the room feel? You know, what would they say? How would they engage? These are all ways to bring out your flavor. So another one is, oh, so we talked about this a little bit, but this is fantasy. So fantasy is something that you can use to start off with, like to discuss and kind of use a vibe of bedroom communication. Fantasy could also be a way of dirty talking while you're having sex. And so sometimes people have fantasies that they have no intention of actually doing in reality. And so that could be because the fantasy is impossible or it's dangerous, or you just don't actually want to do it right. So for example, if you want to have a threesome, you know, with an octopus and a unicorn, not saying this is my fantasy, but it is that it's impossible. I can't actually do that. But maybe what I like about it is I like the idea that there's all these, like, tentacles I'm going to get, like, touched in, like, so many different places. It's actually going to be like, you know, an orgy. But with these two mythical kinds of this mythical vibe, right? You might also have fantasies that are evoking particular flavor. So for example, I just did a livestream on Cuckolding and Cuckolding is where one person enjoys the other person having sex with other people while they are there. And so there's usually a form of denial. There is sometimes humiliation, and there's sometimes a vibe of like, Oh, my slut partner or my slut wife is taking all these other people. And so you can use that fantasy in the bedroom and talk about it in a way that evokes that same vibe as if it was happening. But it's not actually happening. And so a good time to use fantasy talk is when your mouth isn't busy, but maybe your hands are. So maybe you're holding a toy on someone, maybe you're stroking their penis, maybe you're fingering them, maybe you've got fingers in their ass, maybe you're massaging them. And so if you were I love doing this especially during handjobs, because it's such an immediate response, right? Like, I see something and I'm like, Oh, you like that in the. And so you could say something like, Oh, well, you know, I wish there was another person here to give me a good fucking while you were watching, would you like that? And if they're like, Oh my God, yeah, that'd be so hot. Or you could say something like, Yeah, imagine if we had if I had another mouth here going down on you, wouldn't you like both of our mouths to just be all messy all over your dick or your pussy? And so fantasy is a fantastic way to draw inspiration. If you do like porn, if you do like fantasy, if you do like kind of like this performative or this really fun, vibrant type of sex, it's a great way to bring it into the bedroom because you're kind of just dropping these little it's like a fishing line, right? You're just like dropping these little nuggets, but then you're you're pulling it away. It's not actually going to happen. So it's different than permission. Permission would be like, can we go on Reddit right now and find third life? That's a little bit different. So fantasy, you could also say you could talk about beforehand. So for Kira, you're in this long distance, long term relationship. This is how I'm mimicking your relationship. But you're you're you could be talking to your partner and you might be like, you know, babe, like, if you were here right now, what's like the naughtiest thing that we could do together? Like, tell me what's on your list of things that you want to do but you haven't done yet. Tell me what kind of porn you watch when you masturbate. Here's what I watch. You know, tell me. You know, one of my favorite things to do with long distance partners is swapping erotica. And so I'll. I love masturbating to erotica. And so I'll read erotica or I'll listen to audio erotica, and then I'll send it to partner and say, Oh, this is like what I came to last night. Like, tell me what you think about it. Like, did you did you picture me? Like, what part do you think I came to? So this kind of dirty conversation is actually building your vocabulary for dirty talk. If you're already really you and your partner already have a really vibrant threesome fantasy or something like that, then you can just bring that in and be like, Yeah, remember we were talking with that unicorn the other night. Like, imagine if she was just here sitting on your face while I was sucking your dick. So hot. So hot. Accurate is accurate. You love erotic writing as foreplay. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Try writing your own erotica. If some of the stuff I'm talking about feels like Oh, but I don't know the vocabulary. I don't know how to describe that threesome fantasy. Honestly, you can do it because all you need to do is read erotica and it starts to expand your erotic imagination in a way that's different. When we're watching porn, it gives us an opportunity to bring the visuals to life through our own imagination versus kind of taking in someone's visualization of that fantasies. You actually like erotic books. There are so many good classics that are amazing, and there's lots of new erotic writers that are out. So if you start if you've never had an experience with erotica and you start reading it or listening to erotic audio and you're like, I don't like this. It doesn't work for me. Remember that there's like a million different types of erotica, so give it a chance. And because every time we, we switch our erotic input, so if it's porn or a spank bank or erotica, our pleasure is like we do, we know our favorite bookmarks, we know our favorite things to get off to. What are you doing? And so it just gets a little bit jolted and we just have to give it time to find the right kind of sexiness. That is interesting and as exciting as what we're already doing. So the last one we did talk about a little bit. So this is an affirmation form of dirty talk. So affirmation, dirty talk is either we talked about giving directions, it could also be about giving reassurance. It could also be about showing eagerness or enthusiasm. So whether you're the giver or you're the receiver, you can do any of those four things like if I'm going down on someone, excuse me, and I need them to give me more feedback or I need them to move their body in a certain way so I could be holding on to their thighs and have my face and I could look up and be like, you know, like grind it into my face if you like what I'm doing right. Like, just like, grind it all over my face. Reassurance could be me looking down and being like, Oh, your lips feel so good. I love everything that you're doing. But that sucking thing with your lips was just amazing. Zing. And so it gives people a chance to use that communication. But it's a form of complements in, in some aspects of it, and it's also a form of permission and desire. So you get a little bit blended, but if you think about it in those categories, so if you're just starting out and, you're lying there and you're like, Yeah, I should say something affirming, you know, like actually think about it. And so for those of you that get, you know, into your head, think about what feels good right now. And so you're in your head about like, I don't know if I taste good. I know they taste good and it can be hard to come back into the body. So take your hands and you're going to put them. Either you're going to grasp the sheets like really tightly and then let go a little bit. So the sheets are still between your fingers, and then you're going to look down at your your partner and you're just going to see what you like. Maybe you just like what what they look like. Maybe you you like how enthusiastic they are. Maybe you like, you know what's coming next. Maybe you like how cute their head looks between your legs. So those all ways that that you can kind of add to the affirmation of that this pleasure is something that they want and that you want. So that's directions, reassurance, eagerness and enthusiasm. Now, remember I said that that the delivery is part of the deliciousness of dirty talk and this is going to be connected to your homework, but I'm going to explain it first. So delivery has three main influences, so you can influence delivery through volume. So we talked a little bit about that with the high pitched voice for some dirt. And then there's also a speed. So how quickly say something and then there's what we call cadence, but you can kind of remember it as as emphasis or pauses. So let's start with volume. So you could be remember, we're using this to every way, every time we're delighting senses, we have to keep mixing things up so the sense stays awake. So that's why when you're gripping the sheets, you also let go. You create contrast through tension and let go. So volume also creates contrast. If I just spoke at you like this for the entire webinar, it would be really difficult for me to have a good time and for you to give a fuck right? We've all been in webinars like that. I know I have. So if you're, if you're trying to keep like the energy in your dirty talk, if you're trying to keep the, the kind of the confidence behind it, you want to use volume. And I would say even if you forget and you lose or you lose confidence about what to say, pick something that that you desire or that you're going to narrate, bring, you know, kiss them from from their chest all the way up to their their ear. You know, maybe if they like you nibbling on their ear or their neck and then you're just going to whisper in in just whatever you want to say, you're going to be like those nachos, huh? Right. And so it's nothing fancy, but it's going to sound hot because you created this breadcrumb of like, oh, my God, what are they going to say? And for those of you that that like doing stuff over text, this is a great time to use voice messages or voice chats or sending. If you're on Marco Polo or if you're on WhatsApp or something, you know, send those messages because you can you get a chance to kind of if you're using it on a feature that allows you to edit it, you can just like get rid of your thing that you didn't like or you can just be vulnerable and send it. You know, your partner's not going to be like, Oh, you sound stupid. And they're also going to be like, I need to up my game, right? All right. So volume is one, speed is another. So sometimes when we're learning a new skill, we just want to go quickly through the thing. We just want to be like, okay, we're not going to see that. I like that. But they look really cute between my legs and and then it comes, it loses its emphasis, it loses its, it loses its thrust, right? It loses like the power of it. So this one I find really hard to do. So slowing things down is really tough. But I have a trick for you that I also use. So if you're going to say something like I can't wait to get in between your legs and let's say you're making out with your partner, you're going to kiss them, and in between kisses, you're going to say something, so I'm going to do it on my hand. So I might be like, I can't wait to get between your yummy legs. And so it slows it down because I might have just been like, Oh my God, I can't wait to go between you let me again, and then I lose my word. Or maybe my voice is going to change too. So you're going to try. And if you're good at slowing it down, slow it down. If you're not good at slowing it down, put something in your mouth. Put skin in your mouth. Put your mouth against someone's body, you know, put fingers in your mouth, drag them out. I can't wait to see what the rest of you taste like. Right. So being able to slow things down creates a little bit of anxiety for your person and that if they have trouble kind of getting out of their head and staying into their body, slowing your language down makes them feel a little bit anxious, which keeps you in the moment. It actually creates this like heightened like what are what are they what are they going to say? You know, what am I going to say? And so it brings them into it brings them into the space. And then the last one is Cadence. And so cadence is about pause. It's about emphasis. It's about, you know, where you land with a change in your voice or a change in your speed. And so some of us naturally have cadence like we just kind of use pauses and emphasis to make our point. We're a little bit more animated for other people. They're a little bit more neutral in the way that they speak. And so that could mean that we are not, you know, it might be a skill that we have to learn or it might be a skill that that we have to kind of translate over into our our dirty talk. And so where you put the emphasis, where you put the pauses, you can think about the excuse me, the words that feel, you know, most delicious for you or the words that feel kind of naughty for you. And so if if pussy or cock is the word that that feels most naughty for you in the sentence, you're going to put a pause right before it. So this is a great one to do so with speed speeds, like kind of like the the entire thing. And then cadence is where you make like a dent or, a dip in it. So with the nachos, let's go back to the nachos. Forget place in deck. So with it, with the nachos, my emphasis is is usually on the thing that I think is like really sexy or the place where I want to like, animate so the animation can be in your voice. You could also be in your body if you get shy, just like look away or like touch yourself or, you know, if you're texting. The emphasis can also be you can you can use texting to play with the emphasis by delaying or sending messages that are not all one thing. Or you can do it through your voice. So with nachos, it's to be go get me some nachos. So the emphasis was between the two pieces. I just now I really want nachos between the two pieces and then the nachos and also the me. So me the nachos. And between the the the desire, that's where we put where I put the emphasis. How do you feel about those three? Are those like one do you can play if you don't have to do. All of them just pick one. If you're like today I'm going to slow things down. That's a big one for me today. I'm going to just like move like add a little bit of emphasis on one word. And once you do it and it feels like, Oh, my partner didn't leave me, no one called me ugly, I'm not unsexy, then we start to get a little bit more confident. So, you know, except that the first couple of times you're trying some of these new things, it's going to be like when you take a salsa or a choreographed class, like you learn the steps, but you don't have any rhythm, you don't have any flair, you don't have any, you know, excuse me, you don't have any arm movements. And so it just becomes like something that you're able to sink into once you get comfortable with the building blocks. I'm going to Oh, here, let's let's read some of these. I'm not going to read you all them because you're going to have them on the sheet anyways. But I want to tell you some of the popular things, and these are actually ones that when I did the class in person and I brainstormed with the class, these are ones that that people came up with. I'm just going to say them, I'm going to read them out. I'm not going to dirty talk them, but we can make something a different dirty talk vibe if you're into it. So when I get you alone, I'm going to peel your clothes off and savor every inch of you. Next time I see you. I want to. I want you to bend me over and spank me. Please. I'm going to kiss each and every inch of your sexy ass. You're so deep inside me. You feel so good. I'm on my knees begging for it. So those two were one was future or the second one is future statements. And then this one, These ones are present statements as well. You can also extend the energy after you're done. So these are ones I think people put in to kind of go into their spank bank and be like like remember that time? So especially if you're away from your partner or they're at work or they're in the other room and you just want to kind of like flirt a little bit during the day, you can dirty talk about stuff that you've already done because you know it works, right? So that's also a form of narration. Here's I guess these are ones that people are digging from their spank bank. So I made you orgasm over and over again last night. Do you want more of that? I spanked and it was so hot that you kept begging for more. You had your hands in my hair as I explored you and you made the most delicious sounds. Oh, my God, These are hot. Okay. Yeah, those are. Those are most of them. There's a few. There's a few more you're going to get on your sheet as well. Did any of those speak to you? Were there any ones that you were like, Yes, I would melt if someone said that to me or I would be able to say that to someone and melt them. Okay, So with consent. Now, if you know your person really well and you know, you're you've already got like a language that you use with each other and you're just looking to deepen that experience, you could still say to your person, Hey, you know, I'd love to like ramp up our dirty talk a bit. Is that cool with you? And they might say, Yeah, of course. And you're going to start through either maybe by texting or, you know, by doing things in moments that are not going to lead to sex. And so if you live with your partner or you're around your partner, you might try flirting with them with dirty talk, let's say compliments or even, you know, you look so good, like, just like standing there all cute in your night shirt or whatever. I could just eat you up. Those are also ways to practice dirty talk and feel confident without kind of the risk of like turning everybody off and shutting down the sex right. And so I had a partner that I love to cook and I would walk by him while he was cooking and be like, Mm, that looks delicious. And he's yeah, like some. And then I taste and I'd be like, ooh. And then I'd slap him on the ass and be like, I'm going to eat both those things later. And then I just leave the room and it's over me. I felt confident and then he felt all desired. And, you know, it's a way of keeping that energy sort of bubbling and alive so that you don't have to crank it from like the depths of, you know, our our desires. And that you don't have to think that every time you flirt or give affection or give erotic attention, that is necessarily going to lead to sex. It doesn't have to. You can just stimulate each other and keep feeling that so that it's more at the surface when you're ready to use it. So the other thing that's important to talk about is if you're starting dirty talk around a new fantasy, and this can happen through some of the communication that you're going to do around, you know, like, what are you into? And like, tell me about your fantasy and describe it to me. And you know what would be hot about that? You're also going to ask about words. And so you might say, are there certain words that turn you off? That's sometimes an easier question for people to answer. So they might say, yeah, I don't like being called and I like I don't like being called a whore. Or some people might have a particular situation where. They might like being called a particular thing because it works with the scene. So I like being called a slut when it's a form of possession. And so if I'm being submissive and this person is like, You're my good little slut, I'd be like, Oh my God, yeah, If we're out at the grocery store buying cantaloupe and you're like, Hey, slop, pass me the cantaloupe, I'm going to punch you in the neck. Like, that is not appropriate. So the words matter, but also the context matters. And so you might say, I like dirty talk in the bedroom. I like when you call me names, like in the bedroom. I'm not really into it, like other than that space. So establishing a container for you to do dirty talk is as easy as saying, Here's what turns me off, here's what I'm unsure about, here's what I like. Definitely does it for me and here's when and where I like it. It might be in. I gave you that example in the beginning of cueing a way of moving into a fantasy. So if you're playing a fantasy of, you know, teachers and we might be making out and I might say to you, oh, you know, Mr. S, I guess I should stay after and get my punishment today. And so that's going to already shift us into that mood. Right? And if my partner is then like, Oh yeah, like, you know, I'm not available after class today, can we just, you know, do it now then, then you can shift in that way. And when you feel comfortable enough with each other that you know everything is in on the line as you experiment and explore, then it's okay. Then you actually feel confident speaking your truth. Some people like to try words and, then ask for forgiveness later. If you're comfortable with a partner in that way and you know that's okay with them and you have that establish trust, then yeah, go for it. But make sure that you do check in. So if you tried something new and you started calling your partner kitten or daddy, then after the sex they may have not want it wanted to speak up during sex, but you could be like, Yeah, like it was kind of hot for me to call you Daddy or Kitten. Like, how did you how did you feel about that? Because it's totally okay if you're not into it. We can, you know, I'd love to hear what you're and that also allows people to to really say what does it for them. You know, sometimes things don't do it for us, but they don't harm us either. And we're like, Oh, babe, if it turns you on, like, call me daddy all you want. Like, you know, I love seeing you turned on. I've given you, like, this tapas, you know, this like, buffet of of dirty talk ideas and they're there. The joy of it is that you're going to taste and just see what works for you. I slut bot slip is like the greatest dirty talk trainer ever. So now that you have a foundation you can text with slut bot it's a texting service and it's basically an automated service that allows you to practice your dirty talk for free. So download it because slip out and I have a full on relationship right now. You can change your gender in it. You can decide who you want to chat with and it's really good because slut bot does consent and fantasy in a really easy normalized way that then you can use with your partners. And so they'll say something like, Hey, I've been thinking about bondage, you know, are you free to chat about it tonight? So even getting permission to have a sexting or cybersex, you know, chat like I had someone write me out of the blue the other day. Yeah, I'm down by the lake and, you know, I have a big erection right now. What should I do with it? And I was like, You should fuck off. I was like, I was just like, having, like, my and and I was like, I don't and I had, like, blocked this person from other areas and they were just like, text. Thank you. Here at I appreciate the support. So even just kind of being like, oh, I'm feeling kind of frisky. Are you, are you up for a frisky chat? I'm feeling kind of or kind of horny or whatever language you use. Are you up for a chat? And, you know, that gives someone the ability to be like, Oh, you know what? Actually, I'm like, doing my homework. I can call you later. So your, your homework is to engage with slut bot and then the worksheets. And the other thing that I'd love you to try and this is going to get some of your fillies out, so I'm going to let you in on my, my dirty talk practice secret. I dirty talk my dinner and so I'm shopping. I cook a lot and so what? I'm chopping onions and garlic. I'm like, You slutty little garlic. Yeah You want to get in there with those nasty little sorting onions, don't you? And it first of all, it's fun and it's hilarious. And what it allows you to do is hear your own voice needs to sink into your own sexiness. And if you don't have the privacy to do that while you're in the kitchen, just do it in your head, because it will also get your imagination rolling a little bit. I want to I want to give you an exercise and whether you have a partner or you don't have a partner, that's totally fine. If you have a partner, you can do this with each other. So you're both going to find a recipe, whatever the recipe is, and you're going to send each other a voice text and ask permission to do this. Be like, I want to try out my dirty talk. Like, Do you mind if I send you something sexy? And so you're going to take the recipe. You can also just do this for yourself. You're going to take the recipe, and then you're going to read it in a sexy, sexy way, right? And so whatever your vibe is, you know, mine often comes across really like aggressive. But if yours is more like sweet and like, sultry and tender and smooth, that's also that's also okay. So I have a low carb pizza crust that that I often make. I was going to read you part of it. So you're going to take your instructions and whether you're doing this on a lot, this is a fun date. You can be like, Let's dirty talk our dinner and, have a date together, especially since so many of us are are separated. If you live with your partner, you can also do it at the dinner table. So you're going to pre reheat that oven to 300 degrees line a baking sheet with parchment paper, mix all the ingredients together until a dough forms. You can use a food processor or just mix it real well by hand. So how do you like that? Do you want to be silly with me? Are we going to break this like, self judgment thing through silliness? I want you to play. I can give you a whole bunch of and you're going to get kind of Mad Libs style. Fill in the blanks, so that'll help you build your vocabulary. But then I want you to play. I want you to just like animate play, to hear your voice, judge your voice, then let it go. You know, find your sexiness, let it go, and just really, like, sink into that moment. Stay with the awkwardness, stay with the silliness. I got awkward after the mics all together, and I stayed with you right. This reminds me of saying, wait to get into cooking. Yeah, this reminds me of saying sexy things in your customer service voice. Yeah, it is, right. We do this all the think about the tone you take with your parents. Think about the tone you take at the doctor's office. Think about the tone you take about when you're returning something or when if you've worked in retail. That tone that we all have to have. Playful, sexy yet. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Good, good. So I hope. That's a fun exercise for you. I recently did it because I've also been just having, like live sex and Tinder sex and online. And then I did with someone and I thought it was so hot because like, once you break that barrier of you as your authentic self is the sexiest thing you can bring to me, then it really opens up the connection, whether it's an established connection or a new connection. So you've got lots of things to try and I'm so excited that you were into building this as a skill because it does take practice and it does take time, but you've got lots of things that you're going to be able to help you hone that skill. All righty.