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Conscious Sexuality Trainer
A Conscious Sexuality Trainer who supports people in their journey of overcoming issues with intimacy and healing from sexual trauma. Raven uses De-armouring techniques and Tantric methodologies to cultivate wellbeing in the mind and body.More by This Instructor
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Welcome everyone to this short video series, which is really gonna support you in healing, any sexual trauma that you've experienced. So we're gonna go through five exercises that will help you to heal and really dedicate this time somewhere safe, where you feel like you're free to express. Some emotions might come up, so just make sure there's no distractions and that you can be fully present as we're going through these different exercises and you're learning how to really bring greater healing to your sexuality. The first exercise I'm going to take you through is sharing your story. So, we really have a difficult time sometimes when there's been sexual abuse, really knowing what's true, what's not true memories rise and then they go and sometimes they're hard to piece all together. And the first step to healing is validating your story. So, you can either tell your story to a third person, to a therapist, or a mediator, or a tantra practitioner. You can tell your story to a friend. Eventually you're gonna need to tell your story to the abuser if that's physically possible and to your parents. Along with sexual abuse comes a strong abandonment wound that someone wasn't there to protect you. There's also this space of so much fear surrounding the abuse, where you couldn't express and you couldn't tell anyone and you felt like something might happen that's really bad if you tell anyone. So everyone's situation is different, but a consistent theme that I find with clients and what really showed up in my own history of sexual abuse was this space of shame, this space of shame, that there was some enjoyment involved, this space of fear of do I have the story right? And definitely this part of me that just kind of wanted it to go away. And I felt that if I voiced it, then somehow I couldn't stay in the denial of it, there was a part of me that was in denial. So, I want you to just put your hands on your heart right now and take a deep breath into your heart. And first of all, just to yourself. Validate how difficult this journey has been for you. Actually, you don't have to be a victim when you validate an experience, it's about just really going well, this is what happened and that was really difficult, that was really painful. That was really challenging to go through. So, if you're anything like may or the clients that I say there is that wondering whether everything that you remember actually happened, it doesn't really matter. The fact that memories are coming and something happened is enough that you can go, okay, so something happened. Even if you don't know exactly what that was, and that's something don't be in denial that, that something has created some fear and dysfunction in your life and has created suffering in your life. It's okay to admit that to yourself. It's okay to say fair enough, that this has been difficult. So, I wanna speak into how to share this story. So, one thing that I really encourage my clients to do is just tell the story before the abuse actually happened. So, I was living at home with my mum and dad, and I was a pretty happy kid, the usual things of getting in trouble. And then I started to go to my uncles after school three days a week because my mum couldn't pick me up anymore. And I always felt a little bit funny around my uncle. And then one day I realized why. And that realization came when he started to touch me inappropriately. And then I would continue and describe with as much detail as possible, what actually happened. Now, this can be very difficult to share the story. Often as someone who's sharing the story tears come up and they have to pause and it's good to have a big cry because part of healing from sexual trauma is expressing those parts of you that have become frozen in time, expressing the parts of you that were suppressed. So, when we're being traumatized, when we're being invaded sexually, often the body goes into freeze and the younger we are, the more freeze we experience. So there's this tight breath, there's this feeling of, ah, I don't wanna be here and it's extremely scary. But if we could have been in our bodies at that time, we would have said stop. We would have cried. We would have ran. We would have fought. So, as you're telling the story, some of these emotions might come up. You may feel that fear again, so if you do let the body shake. You may feel really sad let self cry and being the revealing all of that frozen child so that frozen child or even teenager or adults can start to come to life again. That part of you that just kind of closed down, we wanna open him or her up, and also sharing the story to someone who's listening without judgment it creates safety. It helps us to finally feel sane in an area of our life, that's been so hidden. One thing that is really recommended with the healing process of sexual abuse or sexual trauma and sexual trauma and sexual abuse has many different flavors. It can be that you weren't a no at the beginning, and then things happen that you didn't want to happen, and you didn't say stop. Or it can be that force happened straight away. It can be that you were drunk at a party one night and someone took advantage. It can be that you're on the dance floor and someone put their hand up your skirt. There's so many different varieties of sexual trauma and sexual abuse, some of that trauma is softer trauma, which happens consistently over a long period of time. And it doesn't necessarily send the body into extreme shock, but it erodes on our nervous system and some of the time it's yeah, it's that more shocking where there's a lot more harshness and physical abuse in the trauma, or it's very defined and we can feel that space of just extreme force. So, whatever trauma you've experienced, it's trauma, it's valid and soft trauma can be just as difficult to work through as hard trauma. And yeah something that's really recommended is that you talk to the abuser. that you actually share with the abuser, what it was like for you. And I've found this process extremely difficult, it took me three or four years before I finally spoke to my abuser. And something that really helped me and supported me to finally talk to him was to write three different letters. And the first letter was just unleashing saying, you've ruined my fucking life. I hate you, I wish you were dead. Not making it spiritual little, not having any compassion and just letting it all out. And then the second letter was ultra spiritual and ultra nice. And thank you for this experience, it's made me who I am today, I forgive you. I know that you were doing the best that you could, and if you could have done better you would have. And I know that what you did was a result of your own dysfunction. So, ultra spiritual, ultra forgiving and compassionate. And then the third letter was somewhere in between. So, the recommendation was that I burned those two letters, which was a really good process, writing it was such a good process, really helped me to work through a lot of emotions that I hadn't really touched on. And as you're writing different things come in so just let yourself write and write. And don't write from the mind, write from your body, write from your heart. And yeah, then that third letter is a balance between the two letters. So, you're not going uber spiritual and nice, but you're not going uber aggressive and blaming and shaming either. You're just sharing what the experience was like for you with as much authenticity and sincerity as possible. And then that letter you may wanna give to the abuser or something that is even better than that is you've written that letter, you know what you wanna say and then you meet the abuser in person. Or if that's not possible, you talk to them over the phone. If the abuser has passed away or in another country, or it's physically impossible for you to actually be in contact with them, you can put a cushion in front of you and imagine that you're talking to them or you can put the letter on the cushion and just sit there and imagine that they're receiving it. But it's very good to actually express verbally. So if you've had sexual trauma or sexual intrusion or abuse of any sort, please follow this first step into healing. This exercise of writing the three letters, sharing with the abuser, this exercise of sharing your story with a therapist, or tantra practitioner, or a loved one, or all of the above. And one thing that happened when I shared a story to a friend in a way that I'd never actually shared it before, it was I'd shared it two or three times, and this was a moment where the sexual trauma was being triggered. I was in my bedroom and a very dear friend came into my room to check on me. And she was just striking my hair and saying, are you okay? And I just cried. And I just kind of repeated the same words over and over again which was I didn't want that to happen to me. I wish that didn't happen to me. And it was so powerful just to actually say those words, I didn't want that, I wish that didn't happen. And she was just saying, yeah, I know. And then I ended up just crying in her arms for like an hour while she held me. So sometimes the sharing there may not be many words, but you're sharing your grief around it. And you're sharing how difficult that was for you while someone holds space for you. Soft trauma can also simply be you were caught masturbating and you were very shamed for that. That can be a very strong experience if you're a touching yourself and you're relating to your sexuality with curiosity and someone comes and says, what are you doing? And don't do that. It sends the body in shock, especially as a child, we're innocently playing and then we're shamed for that. Soft trauma can also be experienced, if you're having a pap smear or some medical procedure, which is prodding at the anus or prodding at the yoni or the lingam, and there's not a lot of attunement and we feel intruded on. So, a lot of people think of sexual abuse and they think of like the worst case scenario of someone physically holding you down while they're penetrating you without permission, and they're hurting you while that's happening. Of course, that that can happen, but it can also be softer and not as obvious in these situations that I'm describing. So, I'm here for you on this beautiful, difficult journey of healing. Keep watching and discovering more exercises you can do to return to your erotic innocence and heal this part of you and heal this part of you that probably pushes love away or really becomes needy for love. Where there's been sexual trauma, there's a tendency to just go, don't come anywhere near me. I'm scared you're gonna hurt me or this tendency to go, please love me, please love me. And that can look like throwing our sexuality because that's all we think that we're loved for, or it can look like I wasn't loved, I was abandoned. Can you be that person to save me? So, if you are experiencing a lot of neediness and graspingness or you're experiencing a lot of desire to push love away, that's fair enough. This is a self protective mechanism that is very strong, where there's been sexual abuse and I'm here to help you heal that, so you can be open to love and really feel safe in love. (gentle music) (ambient music) - I'm going to introduce to you now, the most powerful exercise I did in terms of my sexual healing. As a result of sexual abuse, I had no boundaries. And if you're listening to this, you may relate. It was very hard for me to say, no, I would go into freeze, if I felt any kind of intrusion, it would take me back to the trauma. And I just, I couldn't speak. And then afterwards, I'd be like, "Oh my God, how did I let that happen? Why didn't I say no? Why didn't I stop?" And it's because my voice was blocked. I had this huge blockage in my throat and I didn't know what to do with it, until a beautiful tantra teacher suggested to me, this exercise that I'm about to give to you, which is to beat a pillow for 10 minutes and say no. And really that part of us that didn't get to say no, finally gets given expression, so this is the first part of the healing, that we're waking up that part, and we're going now, you get to express no. And actually, this exercise is amazing, as I discovered down the track, not just to heal the places, I didn't say no when I was being abused, but all the places in my life, I didn't say no. And I pretty much did this exercise for a year, every day, I had so much anger in my body, I had such a strong no, which used to push love away a lot. And once I started doing this exercise, instead of projecting it or channeling it towards the people I love, I started channeling it into a pillow. So what you do is you get very comfortable, you have a designated time and space without interruption, and you put a pillow in front of you, a nice, big pillow, that's not gonna split, that's gonna let you really go for it. And you use this part of your arm, 'cause you wanna keep safe and you bring your arms up and down and you punch that pillow, and you just say, "No, no, no!" And you can bring it, you know, I'm sitting in a seat, but you can bring your whole body forward, and you're just putting all of this energy, you're unleashing all of that anger and rage at the perpetrator. If your perpetrator was a woman, then you probably have a lot of anger towards women. If your perpetrator was a man, you probably had a lot of anger towards men. And it's a kind of anger that you can't help, that's like this uncontrollable waterfall of rage that once unlocked, it just fucking flows. And again, afterwards, you're like, "Oh my God, I just went fucking crazy." And that's because there is this part of you that never got to say no, that tolerated. And you just had to push that anger down. You had to push that no down. So now is the time to reclaim your right to say no. Now is the time to discharge that anger, that frustration that if you could have expressed, you would have, but you didn't know how to. So it's all just sitting in there probably manifesting as problems with your body as well. Digestive issues, maybe thrush, maybe prostate problems, because emotions have a way of really showing up as physical disturbances. It's the body's way of saying, "Hey, take a look at this," I had UTIs and thrush 10 years of my life, monthly. And it was just normal until I started to discharge all of this undischarged rage, anger, and frustration that was in my body. So get it out. If you wanna put some music on to evoke more emotion, I recommend not using music with words. I think it's more powerful to use music that has no words and, but that just kind of brings that energy on. So after 10 minutes of just, "No, no, no!" And set a timer, sometimes you've suppressed your anger and your boundaries so much and your right to speak that this exercise can be quite difficult. So fake it 'til you make it, just go through the motions of hitting that pillow and saying no. And then, what you're gonna do is you're going to just sit for 10 minutes and you're going to be with sensation and experience in your body. So a big part of the way that we deal with trauma is to leave our bodies and we don't have the capacity to be with sensation and experience, because we associate that with being hurt. And so, when lots of when emotion comes up, when we're triggered, when we're charged, we go into this automatic stress response of fight or flight that creates a lot of damage in our relationships and it doesn't support healing at all. So really this is training you to grow in your capacity, to be with sensation and experience. And the invitation is to commit to this practice for at least 10 days. As I said, I did this practice for a year. I had a lot of anger. You may wanna do it for longer, but a bare minimum of 10 days and a strong suggestion of 21 days, because you're training your body to be with that sensation and experience and you're teaching your body, that it's okay to feel anger and that anger doesn't have to go out on someone, that anger can go on the pillow. And that entrainment is really going to support you that when you are triggered, when you are feeling very angry, instead of sending a text, instead of threatening to break up, instead of going crazy and projecting all of your wounding onto the people that you love, you pause, and you go and beat that pillow. Now in the time when you're just meditating for 10 minutes afterwards, again, set the timer. All you're doing is you're watching the sensation and experience, and that's pretty wild. After you've been beating a pillow for 10 minutes, there's a lot of energy moving in the body, just breathe, feel it, and there may be some tears afterwards. I remember there was a lot of tears for me, because underneath my anger, there was a lot of sadness, a lot of vulnerability, a lot of fear. And you can just give yourself some love, give yourself some touch and afterwards you may need to sleep, give yourself time to rest and digest and really integrate the experience. I would suggest setting that 10 minutes aside for the pillow beating 10 minutes for the meditation. So 20 minutes in total, set that time aside and then set some time aside also for rest and digest afterwards, where you can just relax and integrate all of the energy that's moved. Ah, wow. Just remembering how powerful this experience was for me. I'm really glad that I can share this with you. I wish that someone had told me about this earlier in my journey, because when I started having the memories and experiences, I was really working hard at pushing love away. And I was projecting a lot of anger at my partner. And by the time I heard about this exercise and started practicing it, wow, it made such a difference to my communication and I wasn't an angry bitch anymore. I became much more vulnerable. So I hope you get out of it just as much as I did and you invite lots of healing into your body as you're practicing this really powerful exercise. (ambient music) (gentle music) - This next exercise, I'm gonna take you through is strong and powerful. So whether you're in a man's body or a woman's body, you have a womb. Men have an energetic womb, and it will be much easier for the women to relate to this, so sorry, men, but you do have this energetic space here where you receive energy. And women, it's a lot easier for you to relate to that because you have a physical womb. But I wanna just open everyone's mind who's listening to the possibility that whenever we engage with someone sexually, we hold those experiences in our body. And every time we made love to, ladies, we are holding the energy of the person that we've made love to in our womb, including our abuser. So what we really wanna do as part of our sexual healing from abuse, from experiences we haven't enjoyed is to clear those experiences from our sexual space. So this is really a process of going through the different lovers that you've had, your any abuses, and saying, "I do not want you in my sexual space anymore. You're no longer welcome here." Now, I wish it was that easy, but it's not. What you actually need to do is feel into each lover that you've had and feeling to your experience surrounding that lover and feel into where was I allowing energy when I really didn't want it to be inside me? Where was I engaging sexually and tolerating? Where was I a no internally, but I was a yes externally? Now, this is gonna bring some emotion up. So I'm gonna take you through a practice now to support you. And what it really requires is for you to get out of your head, to trust the process, and to surrender to the process. And there's the three parts to this process. One is actually having gratitude for the lover, for the abuser. Now, if that's too hard for you with an abuser at this stage in your healing, that's okay. But really, there's always a space to be grateful for everything that happens in our lives because it's made us who we are today. So one of spiritual way of dealing with any trauma, including sexual trauma, is to say, "I wouldn't have it any other way. I am grateful for this experience because it's made me who I am today." And actually there's a book and in it is a collection of stories about, "I wouldn't have it any other way." You know, "I was sexually abused, I wouldn't have it any other way." "My brother, dad, I wouldn't have it any other way." "I grew up in chaos, I wouldn't have it any other way." And it's quite confronting to think that, and it takes a deep trust in the universe. But actually, everything that's happened to you has happened for a reason. And it has made you who you are today. So if you're not buying that just yet, and it's not resonating with you, that's okay. But if you feel like you can have gratitude for your abuser, that is part of the healing process. So that's the first part is having gratitude. And certainly we can have gratitude for all of our lovers, right? Even if there was painful situations and we were tolerating, there's usually something good that came out of that connection. The next part is really feeling whatever it was that we didn't enjoy about the experience. And this is so that you can discharge the undischarged emotion, intention in the body that is still in your body. It's creating tension and it's coming out in passive aggressive ways. It's delining your energy. You know, any undischarged energy in the body or suppressed emotion in the body, it creates tiredness. It creates separation. And it's just not good for our overall mental and emotional health. And then the third step is to really just release that person out of our sexual energy fields. So let's give it a go. We're just going to choose a lover or the sexual abuser. If you feel like you're not ready to practice this exercise with the sexual abuser, then don't, you know. You can do it at another time with facilitation. I don't want you to be sitting there traumatized by this experience. So if you feel like you can't handle feeling into that, then definitely don't do that place. Just feeling to a lover who, you know, there were times when the yes was more important than you'll know. So everyone closing down the eyes, placing the hands over the womb area, breathing into the womb. (Chantelle inhales) Taking a deep breath. (Chantelle exhales) We're talking about topics that are very confronting. So you may notice a bit of energy in your body. Maybe you need to shake it a little bit. (Chantelle inhales) Maybe just let out some big sighs. (Chantelle sighs deeply) (Chantelle breathes deeply) So first of all, bring someone to mind whether that's your abuser or someone else. See them in front of you and find some way to express your gratitude to that person. Now, take another deep breath. (Chantelle breathes deeply) Well done. Now, step two of this exercise is just feeling the energy from your interaction with this person in your womb. (Chantelle breathes deeply) Whatever sound is there, breath sound and movement at the three portals into really allowing ourselves to feel, not only our pleasure, but also our pain. That the three portals into coming back to our bodies. And a lot of you listening, if you've had sexual trauma you've probably left your body a long time ago. So just let yourself gently express some of that emotion that's in your womb. (Chantelle sighs deeply) Then just let out a bit of a growl. (Chantelle growls) Now, imagine the heart opening and just let out some grief. (Chantelle breathes deeply) And just keep going for another minute or so. Giving breath sound and movement to the emotion that arises as you feel into this experience. And now, breathe into the heart space and then you've got one hand on your womb, bring the other hand into your heart. Hm, well done. And just really loving yourself. As you breathe in, breathe love into all of those places. As you breathe out, let that love spread around your whole body. You're safe now. It's okay to feel sad and angry about different things that have happened sexually in your life. Your safe now. Safe to release pain. It's safe to open to pleasure. You're safe. Now, we're going to the third step, which is to just say out loud, "I release you for my sexual space." And you can say the name of the person, and maybe you wanna bring your hands from your womb up to your body. Whatever you need to feel like you're releasing that person from your sexual space. "I release you from my sexual space. You're no longer welcome here. Thank you for the lessons." Thank you," you know, whatever other gifts are there. (Chantelle breathes deeply) Now, I choose to release you. And use the breath. (Chantelle breathes deeply) And opening the eyes. Give your body a little bit shake. Breathe into the body. And now we're just gonna practice some affirmations together. So repeat after me. "I am absolutely lovable." "I am beautiful." "My sexuality isn't something I need to give to get love." "I'm safe now." "It's safe to say, 'No.'" "It's also safe to say, 'Yes.'" (Chantelle breathes deeply) "I open to new possibilities sexually." "As I release the old, I open to something new." "I'm safe." "I am anew." (gentle music) (soft sensual music) - When we approach sexual healing, it can feel that it's a very difficult, long journey that's very painful, but there is some pleasure here that's available to you. There is a way to heal sexually through interacting with sexuality in new ways where you're consciously releasing via guilt and shame, where you're opening to pleasure. And really, the best way to heal sexual energy is to interact with it directly. So one of the things that can happen when there's been sexual trauma is that we just close the door to sexuality. Where like, we have an association with sex that's very erroneous, we associate it with abuse, we associate it with our boundaries being transgressed, we associate it with someone trying to take something from us, trying to get something. And there's a part of us that just goes, no more and we close the door. So this exercise is about opening the door and discovering what you're yes to, because once you know what you're yes to, and you create safety for yourself to engage sexually with someone who loves you, then every time you make love, you are healing. Sexual energy is patent energy. It's what creates life, it's what creates the most beautiful thing on the planet, which is a newborn baby, and our sexual energy is creative life force. It has the power to create something new for us, it has the power to release stress from the body, to release grief from the body, to release tension in the body, to open our hearts. The benefits of engaging sexually are so many if we understand sacred sexuality. So what you're probably used to in engaging sexually is pleasing someone, is going into performance, is maybe not expressing when you're no to something, and not expressing what you really desire and what you're needing and what you want. And so from that place, there's been a lot of fear, guilt and shame around your sexuality cause you're scared things are gonna happen that you don't want to happen because you don't trust your no. You have guilt around your desires. And you know, this is an interesting one. If you felt any pleasure when you were being sexually abused or when there was sexual trauma, there's gonna be guilt around that. Also you could have guilt around it because you associate sexual energy with abuse and you see it as bad, or you associate it with attacking energy. There's also shame around our sexuality. You know, if we've been invaded, there's this feeling of like, oh, and we can have shame around our genitals, we can have shame around our bodies, we can have shame around our expression, and it's really very damaging. So every time you make love, it's an opportunity for you to release that fear, guilt, and shame out of your body, to really move energy in your body in a way that you're inviting pleasure and you're releasing trauma. So for this exercise to really work, for you to come into a place sexually with someone where you can release via guilt and shame, where you can invite pleasure, there needs to be love, there needs to be connection, there needs to be sacredness. You need to be with someone who can really hold you because while you're making love, there may be some tears, while you're making love, there may be some fear, and what the tendency is for a lot of women and men is to make love to people just for the pleasure without really feeling into, can I commune at the heart with this person? And when we're interacting, just from pleasure and our whole body isn't involved, that's just retraumatizing the body actually. We want to feel safe with the person that we're making love to, because you're merging your body with this person. So there's a lot of women, especially, who think they can just be lovers with someone. And then after their lovers, all of this stuff comes up and they don't know why. And that's because it's stirring up a lot of stuff. You know, sexual energy opens the unconscious and it opens all the places that we felt abandoned and retriggers that. So if you just have a lover and they're gone the next day, of course, you're retraumatizing the body. Or if you choose a lover, who's just penetrating you, you know, as this object and it's all flesh and friction, and all they wanna do is cum, then you're gonna feel used and abused afterwards, and that's gonna be retraumatizing as well. So an essential part of practicing this exercise is to practice it with someone who loves you, who cares about you, who you can surrender to, who you feel safe with. So let's assume you found someone who you really trust, who loves and cares about you. One thing that creates a lot of safety is to first of all, communicate what you desire and what your boundaries are. So, you know, for me, I really don't like having my hair pulled because this is something that happened when abuse was happening. So I make that clear. Please don't pull my hair. There's also certain places I don't like to be touched, so I mention that. I also mention that, and you know, I feel like this is a boundary for every woman. Don't go straight for my Yoni or straight for my nipples. I need to be caressed all over my body. And generally speaking, it takes 20 minutes for a woman's body to open. So men and women, women need at least 20 minutes of foreplay to really caress the heart open, to caress the body open, to bring her into a state of breathing into her body. And really, you want to genuinely open to a man. Do not open until you are juicy, do not open until you're a full bodied yes. So express your boundaries, express your desires. Maybe you've got some fantasies that you wanna express, you know, like maybe you have certain words that you'd like to spoken to you. Really take sexuality out of this place of hiding and express yourself. If you can't express to the person you're about to make love to, what you fear and what you desire, and what your boundaries are, then to me, I don't know why you're making love to them. If you can get that exposed, that you're letting them inside of you. If you can get that close, that you're literally merging with someone, then it ought to be that you feel close enough to them to share the vulnerability of your desires, to share the passion of your desires, and to also share the vulnerability of your boundaries and your fears. So sharing boundaries, fear and desires is a healing practice in itself. If you're a man and you don't want your anus touched then mention that. Maybe there's been trauma around your anus. So really you want to feel into before it gets to the point of making love to someone, what are my desires? What are my fears and what are my boundaries? And a great exercise is to write them all down. Explore. What would I love in bed? What do I fear in bed and what are my boundaries? And if you've already explored that with yourself, it's gonna be a lot easier to communicate that. Okay, so let's say you've now found someone, who you feel safe with, who you feel has a lot of love and care for you and you're in the bedroom. And there's that beautiful 20 minutes of warming up where maybe you're caressing the bodies. Maybe you're just looking at each other and looking into each other's eyes. Maybe you're massaging one another. Maybe you're saying 60 words to one another, or, you know, stroking each other's hair, whatever it is. That space of really warming up, you know, just breathing together is beautiful. You know, matching the breath to someone that you're with (deep breath) and breathing with them, that can actually create a lot of intimacy, especially while you're looking into each other's eyes. And then let's assume that you're ready to make love, which means that your body's juicy and open, for the man, you know, he's ready to enter her. You want to enter with a lot of presence, men, women, you wanna be entered with a lot of presence. And when lovemaking is happening, feel everything fully, let him all the way in, and men, enter her all the way and allow yourself to breathe, sound and move. All the stresses from the day, (deep breath) let them out. All the stresses that are in your body that you don't even know what they're about, (groans) let them out. All of the places that are stuck, like, you know, just bring freedom, relax, like girl, allow energy to move in this beautiful, intimate moment of sexual healing where orgasmic energy is actually a healing modality. And for that to happen, take all the gender out of it. You're not chasing a clitoral orgasm, you're not chasing ejaculation. If they happen, that's fine, but you're really in the moment and in your body, receptive and feeling everything fully. And part of this is being a yes. You know, you've expressed your desires, so hopefully the other person is doing things that they know you enjoy. You've expressed your boundaries, so they're not doing anything you don't enjoy. And you're in this space of, wow, I can really let pleasure in. It's safe. I've communicated my boundaries, and wow, I'm feeling so much pleasure because they know what I desire. And maybe you even wanna say yes, yes. And what you're doing is you're rewiring, you're rewiring your numeral pathways, you're developing new associations with sex, where sex is this deeply pleasurable experience that is safe, that you can enjoy, and that brings so much healing to both of you. So enjoy this journey of sacred sexuality, where all of the trauma is getting healed and you're welcoming in the pleasure that you deserve. (soft sensual music) (gentle music) - This next exercise is medicine for the heart, medicine for the soul. It's a way of dropping into your feminine sensuality and body. We're gonna look at breast massage, or for the men listening, heart massage, and a beautiful self love, self pleasure practice. So, you know, we've talked about healing with a lover through our sexual energy. We can also heal with our own sexuality in the way that we interact with it ourselves. And the more that we self pleasure, the more that we touch our own bodies, the more we begin to really feel what it is that we like, how we love to be touched. We start to become more comfortable with being touched. We rewire our relationship to sexuality. And I want to get clear here that when I talk about self pleasure, I don't mean, you know, touching yourself with a lot of flesh and friction and a lot of movement, to create a lot of stimulation in order to have a genital orgasm. What I'm talking about is loving every inch off your body. What I'm talking about is coming home to you, and (sighs) breathing and smiling and just going, ah, there you are. And to me, every self-pleasure practice should start with I love you. I really, really love you. I cherish you. This body is beautiful. So just some beautiful affirmations. And then deep breathing, smiling. I always like to start around the heart, the breasts, and you know, again, when we're touching our bodies, some emotion comes up. Might just be bliss and pleasure. There may be some grief as stored memories come up or, you know, things that are in ourselves, and it's okay. Whatever you're experiencing is okay. Just be softly with your experience, because if grief is coming up, or sadness, then it's healing. It's healing through this self-pleasure. And if you're just feeling bliss, that's okay too. So closing down the eyes, I just want to guide you a little bit so that you've got some idea when you go to do this on your own. Start with just cupping the breasts, or the chest, if you're a male. And just hold the heart space in stillness and smile. Soften. (sighs) This beautiful heart space. These beautiful breasts that give life to children. These beautiful breasts that are soft. Sensual, curvy, just like a woman. (sighs) And let out sound. You know, self-pleasure, it's a beautiful safe space to get in touch with our wildness, to get in touch with our sexual expression. So don't be afraid to make sound, and just start circling the breasts. And breathing. Maybe you want to use your palms. Maybe you want to squeeze. Maybe you want to gently massage around the heart and breasts. Really exploring this breast area. You know, for a lot of women, our breasts get touched in ways that we really don't like and we tolerate. So this is a way of really exploring how do I want my breasts touched, and bringing that softness to the breasts that's deeply longed for from the heart, and really (sighs) feeling this place of power in a woman, our hearts, our milk. And for the men, you know, touch your cock, touch your place of power. Maybe there's some shame around your cock. Really just touch it. Feel it as your power center. And breathe. Circle around the breasts. Touch yourself lightly all over the body now, and explore different types of touch. Maybe you want to squeeze the body. Maybe if you're feeling a bit tired, you want to wake it up with a bit of fire, with a little bit of slapping. Maybe you just want gentle touching with the nails, or just the tips of the fingers. And there is so many parts of our body that get ignored. So let yourself touch everything, your hair, shoulders, your arms, your hands. Touch down the sides of your body. Your womb area, your belly. (Chantelle sighing) And really allowing sound. The most important thing to do is to love yourself. What would loving your body feel like right now? Now, I've got a little bit of a sore lower back right now, so I'm just gonna give my back a nice massage. (Chantelle sighing) Release some tension that's in my back. This is self pleasure. You're pleasuring your body by massaging it. (sighs) And as I free that up (groans) I can feel different parts of my body that wanna be stretched. So maybe you just want to move around. (groans) Circle the head. Massage the shoulders. (Chantelle inhaling) (Chantelle groaning) And the breath has so much to do with pleasure. So imagine that you're breathing energy up through your base, through your sex center, earth energy. (sighs) And then you're breathing out your heart. (sighs) And in the meantime, you're just touching yourself with as much love as possible. Maybe you want to tap on different areas. (sighs) Shake. Mm. Maybe you want to grab yourself around the waist. Maybe you want to touch your head, bring your nails through your head. (Chantelle sighing) Touch down your neck, down your body. Maybe you want to kiss different parts of your body. (Chantelle kissing) I love you, Chantelle. (Chantelle kissing) I really, really love you. (kisses) (Chantelle inhaling) (groans) I love this body. Thank you body. (moans) (Chantelle sighing) After, if you needed to stretch and have a good massage, then drop into deep sensuality. Breathe into your body. What do you desire now? Maybe you want your inner thighs stroked. Maybe you're ready to touch your nipples with a bit more intensity. Maybe you're ready to touch your yoni or your cock with more intensity. So just follow the lines of eroticism. Follow what you desire. Follow your bliss. And again, if different emotions show up, that's okay. Maybe you feel a bit numb through this, that's okay too. You're gonna wake up more and more. And just like, you know, as suggested, a commitment with that pillow beating practice of at least 10 days. After that, commit to 10 days of self-pleasure and breast massage. And really set up a beautiful sacred space for yourself. Light some incense, light a candle. Put on some beautiful music. Part of the eight week online course, Sacred Sexuality, that's gonna take you so much deeper into everything we're exploring here. There's a playlist on Spotify that goes with that called Sacred Sexuality Daily Practice, and then there's another one just called Sacred Sexuality, and both playlists are really yummy. I love to play them when I come into self-pleasure and breast massage. They really help me to evoke pleasure in my body. And you know what, it's also okay to draw on memories where you've felt a lot of pleasure, or to think about someone that really turns you on. Definitely not watching pornography or going into mental fantasy. More going into memories that are in yourselves of people or moments that have really turned you on. So I hope that you enjoy this beautiful practice of honoring your heart, honoring your breasts, pleasuring your whole body, and feeling what it's like to be in this body and really open to sensual pleasure. Well done for getting through this video series. I want to mention that if you have experienced sexual trauma, then it's highly likely that you're gonna need a lot more support. I recommend seeing a practitioner who can work with your body. Someone who specializes in sematic experiencing, or who is a very good tantra practitioner who's come highly recommended to you. So that you can actually release the trauma that lives in your body with someone guiding you, with someone facilitating and supporting you, because it can be really tricky to do on your own. And the Sacred Sexuality online course is really gonna support you into a much deeper healing. If you can't afford a practitioner or you can't afford to do the online course, we have a lot of free resources that are also gonna keep holding you and supporting you in this healing process. So we have blogs on the Eliyah website. We have podcasts. We have a YouTube channel. And all of the topics that I speak into are really gonna help you to flower in your sexual healing. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for joining me, and I wish from the bottom of my heart that you heal. And from the bottom of my heart, I send you many blessings and healing on this journey. (gentle music)