Why We’re Attracted to People Who Are Wrong For Us

How To Stop Attracting The Wrong Partner

I’m asked this question all the time:

“Why am I attracted to people who are ‘wrong’ for me?” And the answer is quite simple, actually:

Because your wounded self is doing the attracting.

Now, I know the term “wounded self” can sound a little intense, so let me explain why we attract wrong people.

Understanding Our Ego and Our Higher Self

We all have two selves – the “little self” (or the wounded self, the ego) and the “Spiritual Self” (the Higher Self, Spirit, Soul).

The wounded self is the part of you that feels incomplete. It questions your worth and value; it doesn’t feel whole.

For example, my wounded self is the “little me” who wonders if I’m truly lovable. It’s the part of me that feels flawed in some way.

On the other hand, we also have a Spiritual Self. This is your Higher Self, your Soul. It’s the part of you that’s connected to love, truth, wisdom and peace within.

Your Spiritual Self knows, without a doubt, how lovable and valuable you are. In many ways, it’s the opposite of the ego.

At any given time, we are operating from one of these two selves.

Why we atrract the wrong person

Many of us, unfortunately, operate from the viewpoint of the ego most of the time. That is, we believe we’re small and powerless, and we’re trying to make up for this lack.

The ego looks for things on the outside to find validation and completion. It believes once it gets ________ (more money, a better partner, deeper connections, more beautiful, etc…) it will finally be happy.

But… it’s never happy. Not for long, anyway.

Relationships from the Viewpoint of Our Ego

The ego’s very nature is to feel incomplete. Therefore when you live through the perspective of your ego, you’re destined to feel like something’s missing.

As you can imagine, life through this lens is not very fun.

The ego gets highly activated when it comes to romantic relationships, because relationships are where we hold the most wounding. 

We’ve all felt disappointed or hurt by a relationship in the past; we carry the memory of this wound into adulthood. If a wound from childhood is still active within you, you’ll attract people who are going to highlight the same wounded feeling.

For example, if your wounding is centered around feeling rejected or unseen, it’s very likely that you’ll feel a similar way in relationships as an adult.

Relationship Wounds Can be Healed

Your unconscious is programmed to attract people who activate your wounds.

The reason for this is so you’ll recognize who you are on a deeper level.

So you’ll remember yourself as Love.

This is a frustrating part of the growth process! But you can think of it this way: You’re replaying your wounds so you can finally heal them.

Healing Through Love

We cannot heal anything we don’t feel or see; we can’t heal things that are unconscious! The uncomfortable feeling has to come to the surface for you to grow beyond it.

And how do you grow beyond it?

By identifying with the Love that you are.

Remember, Love (also known as your Higher Self) is the part of you that knows the truth about you. It knows that you are worthy, amazing, capable, and powerful.

Through the lens of your Higher Self, you are whole. Yes, you’re an imperfect human with flaws; but the larger truth is: you’re a Soul.

You’re beautiful. 

You’re important. 

You’re special. 

You’re Love. 

This is what the Higher Self knows about you – and it wants you to know it as well.

Your Higher Self Doesn't Attract the Wrong Person

Letting Go of “Wrong” People

By identifying with your Higher Self (the Love within you), your compulsion to play out wounds with other people dissipates and will eventually disappear. 

When you wake-up to the Higher Self’s truth, you suddenly realize that the “wrong” people were just teachers to nudge you into the “right” state-of-being; a state-of-being that does not question your value or worth.

Unfortunately, nothing inspires us to grow more than a broken heart.

Love wants you to identify with it. It wants you to be who you really are. Reclaim the Love within you, and you will heal your relationships from the inside-out.

Please leave a comment below telling us the qualities of your Higher Self, and how you plan on being more connected to that part of you. I look forward to hearing from you.

About the author

Shelly Bullard, MFT

Shelly Bullard, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Love Coach and Spiritual Teacher. She's the author of the book How to Become the Most Attractive Version of Yourself.

Shelly believes that when you access the experience of Love within yourself, your relationships become deeply fulfilling and you become the person you’re meant to be. She was named the “Love Guru” as one of the 100 Women to Watch in Wellness by mindbodygreen, and her deepest passion is living and practicing love and relationships as a spiritual path.

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