Have you been thinking that Tantric sex means slow sex?
Slow sex is delicious. It helps us become more aware and attentive to all the sensations, obvious and subtle, that we exchange with another body during lovemaking. But Tantric sex isn’t defined by its speed or duration.
Tantric sex is goalless.
It’s free of expectations. It’s full of a love without attachment. Tantric sex is as deep as the moment allows. And it’s present with what the moment calls for.
I’m all up for slow, all-night lovemaking. Sometimes. I’ll be honest – I like to go to bed early, and I can get tired during the all-night marathons. For me, the Tantric quickie can be just as deep and profound, earth-shattering, and laughter and tear-filled as a longer love-making session.
I also love the excitement of a time limit, a secret hiding place, pulling off the road in a secluded forest, or needing to be really quiet so others don’t know you’re doing it.
Here’s a little “how to” on the Tantric Quickie. Note that these are not rules, they are simply guidelines to keep you on the track of freedom for your afternoon delight, late-night snack, or pit-stop. You make the rules if you need them. And you demolish the rules that don’t serve and keep you limited by stories of right and wrong.
Guideline #1: Eye Contact
This is key.
Start with eye contact, continue with eye contact, and end with eye contact.
If you’re making love in a position that doesn’t allow for eye contact, sneak a peek at your partner from time to time and lock eyes.
When you’re making eye contact, have the intention to look through each other, not at each other. And when you see the beauty of your partner, acknowledge their role as a mirror in which you’re seeing your own beauty beaming back at you.
Guideline #2: Few Minutes of 100% Focused Attention
Take at least 2 minutes each, if you have that much time, to completely give and completely receive. The second part is crucial to really being present with your experience. More time is great if you have it, but with a quickie, time is usually of the essence.
The touch also doesn’t need to be completely reciprocal – and that shouldn’t be the intention. Focus on purely giving when you’re giving and the pleasure that brings in you and them, and purely receiving when you’re receiving.
Guideline #3: Let Yourself Fully Feel Every Sensation
Be fully in every touch, sensation, breath and sound. When sensitivities get turned on through intentional touch, breath and connection, you can start to notice there’s so much more going on than you may have realized before.
Be present during the intercourse to the sensations of giving, pleasuring, receiving, being pleasured, and whatever other sensations exist. Hold nothing back. Be in it all.
Guideline #4: Feel More than the Physical Body
Check out what’s happening just beyond the skin and under the skin. You may notice tingling sensations, vibrations, energies and emotions all coming up simultaneously or appearing one at a time and then rolling into the next one. Or you may give yourself to the wonder of the present moment naturally as it is.
Regardless, when you notice thoughts come up to distract you or stories trying to tell you how the moment should be, come back to the awareness of sensation. Let your awareness see them like clouds passing in a blue sky, then return to the presence of what’s happening right now. Quickies can be great for really being in the moment because maybe a moment is all you have!
Guideline #5: Be Fully Satisfied with Whatever Happens
Tantric sex is not cookie cutter!
There is no prescribed start or end point. Find a moment of completion after you ride the waves of sensation for as long as you have, and then move into stillness together for at least 60 seconds. There doesn’t need to be a big climax and there certainly doesn’t need to be ejaculation.
Guideline #6: A Short Meditation or Gratitude
When you feel complete or are out of time, come back to eye gazing, take a few breaths together, do a short practice to lift your energy, like the upward draw, microcosmic orbit, uddiyana banhda or headstand, and express gratitude.
This could be with your eyes, with a smile or a laugh, a bow, a hug, a kiss, or a word of affirmation. If you can, sit in meditation in Yab Yum, sitting in your partner’s lap, for a few minutes, too.
Guideline #7: Let Your Glow Be Contagious
Take this energy into your day and be contagious!
You know that look when someone has just snuck off into the broom closet secretly with a co-worker? That twinkle in their eyes and sudden glow in their cheeks? That’s contagious! It can make everyone a little merrier.
You don’t have to talk about the experience, just bring that bubble and glow with you and let your radiance be contagious.
Think of this as selfless service, a quickie for the benefit of all beings.