My husband loves having sex every day, at least once.
I used to find this difficult, and I sometimes ended up making love when I didn’t really feel like it, which felt somewhat inauthentic and he could tell, or I would reject him, which created a feeling of disconnection.
Then I discovered this amazing ‘brain hack’ and now we have blissful lovemaking sessions most days. And it now feels much more authentic and connected when I have a good reason to say “not tonight honey”. Here’s what I discovered:
It’s a Rare Couple that Have Perfectly Matching Libidos
It’s a total myth that if you are in love and attracted to each other, then you should both want to have lots of sex, all the time, any time.
It’s a very rare couple that have matching libidos and will both be in the mood at the same time, every time. We’re cyclical creatures, men too, and as such it’s normal to have days when you feel as horny as a teenager who just discovered masturbation and other days when you feel more like becoming a celibate monk.
Don’t wait for the perfect moment
Waiting until the magical moment you are both in the mood may leave one or both of you feeling frustrated, lacking connection and even rejected or abandoned. On the other hand, trying to make love when you’re not feeling the vibes may not feel authentic, may feel icky, awkward or hard to start.
As a relationship counselor, I work with many couples who have stopped making love, sometimes altogether or perhaps as a rare occurrence.
I find this so sad, of course healthy relationships are much more than sex, but sex brings the relationship and each person so much emotional connection, pleasure, intimacy, bonding and health benefits that to deny the relationship of something so important and powerful is unnecessary and often damaging.
But I can’t have sex if I’m not feeling It!
More feminine partners often need to feel emotionally connected before there can be any thought of sexual intimacy.
Paradoxically, more masculine partners often need to feel sexually connected before they can open emotionally. “Women through the Heart to the Yoni, Men through the Lingam to the Heart.”
You can imagine how this can cause problems.
Start with a baby step towards intimacy and then bring on line your mirror neurons, a finding from neuroscience that you can use to your advantage if you know how.
Here’s a quick introduction:
Discovered in the 1990’s, mirror neurons cause the same areas of the brain to light up when doing an activity as when observing someone doing that activity. Mirror neurons are the reason that you immediately flinch when you see someone stub their toe, feel a bit sick yourself when you see someone being sick and why laughter is contagious. These brain cells are how the brain learns new things through observation and they relate to our ability to feel empathy. When we mimic others it creates feelings of connection, we perceive others as being ‘just like us’.
What does this have to do with better sex?
Try these 4 easy steps and use this information for your pleasure!
1. Be willing to intentionally change the way you feel
You can move easily from feeling a lack of arousal to feeling really turned on if you are open to it.
Mirror neurons are the relationship between watching porn and getting aroused; simply put, watching someone else experience pleasure creates an experience of pleasure in your brain.
A quick Google search of “Mirror Neurons and Sex” will bring up some questionable articles on how to use this knowledge to your advantage to pick up women, but I suggest being a willing participant in your own experience.
2. Ask your partner for gentle non-sexual touch to help you relax
Instead of using this information to manipulate your partner, use it to manipulate yourself. Trick your brain into getting turned on, this is basically “fake it until you make it.”
Remember I mentioned baby steps?
Don’t go straight to sexual intimacy if you are not feeling it. Ask your partner to start with some relaxing or sensual touch, stroking the skin, massaging or cuddling. When you feel sufficiently open, begin to offer your more aroused partner some sexual interaction.
3. Pleasure your partner and observe their response
As you see your partner’s arousal begin to increase, you will notice particularly their breath pattern change.
Breath in the same way your partner breaths as they become turned on. Watch how they move their body, dance your body in time with theirs. Look into their eyes, you will naturally start to copy their facial expressions as the mirror neurons activate an automatic response.
4. Mindfully experience your own pleasure
Allow your partner to transfer their sexual arousal to you. Be real in this, be present and your brain will do the rest.
Follow these tips and there will be an increased activation of your mirror neurons, creating real-time sexual arousal in your brain and boom: you’re not faking it you’re making it.