When we think of the opposite of boring, we think of exciting. I used to imagine couples who have adventurous and exciting sex lives that are, well, always exciting. Fast forward and I find myself in not one but two adventurous sexual relationships and once the shiny newness of the relationship dies down, I feel the old familiar boredom creep in. I begin to think that sex is boring.
Turns out, this is totally normal!
Why Does Sex with the Same Partner Get Boring?
How can we go from having spontaneous and sexy intimacy to feeling flat and unmotivated? It’s not uncommon to feel like you don’t want to sleep with your partner at all anymore, or that you or your partner are sexually boring. And examining why sex is boring is the first step to curbing that boredom.
So Why Do We Get Bored?
Women are more likely than men to become sexually bored with their partners.
One theory is that women are more affected sexually by feelings of closeness to their partner. If that closeness wanes, so can our sexual energy.
We are also raised to believe that sex is something that is done to us, not with us. We are conditioned to take a more passive role. If our partner is usually the assertive one, but they aren’t initiating as much, you’re left with no one initiating and that can get boring, fast.
For everyone, not just women, there’s a science behind new things feeling more exciting. When you find a new sexual partner, the first few times have that extra sexy shimmer to them. We’ve all felt it. Science has that shimmer pinned down to an extra adrenaline rush. And we also learn more about ourselves when we try new things (and people), which adds to the excitement.
Why Do You Feel Bored?
Science helps us define our experiences, but you are the real expert on your own feelings. Define why sex is boring for yourself.
Take a few minutes to write down your thoughts about what your boredom feels like. Your partner can do the same and you can share your writings together. If nothing else, this can make you feel closer. Which, as we just learned, can help spark more sexual attraction and turn the boring sex life around. 🙂
Making Things Exciting Again
If science shows us that new things are more exciting, why not try new things with your same partner? You’ll both experience that adrenaline rush, but together. A great way to try something new is to try some sex games or shop for sex toys together.
- [amazon link=”B07FCRRY2Q” title=”Strap-ons” /] can be a fun new thing to try if your partner is game
- [amazon link=”B010GLYPW6″ title=”A new vibrator” /] can always bring some fun in the mix
- Butt plugs and [amazon link=”B01KA1R29A” title=”cock rings” /] are fun, too
It’s Not All Toys and Games
Toys aren’t the only way to have new sexual experiences together.
Just switching up your routine can bring some excitement back.
Do you always have sex at night, or on the weekend? Try having sex in the mornings on weekday then. Set your alarm clock earlier so you have enough time to do your morning chores AND do your partner. 🙂
What’s your favorite position? Think about the things you like about your favorites. Maybe you like that it hits a certain spot, or you like because your partner is in control, and so on. Do a quick internet search of other positions and activities that could do the same thing. Even if they don’t become your new favorites, trying new things will add some spice to your life.
Back to Basics
All of us, no matter how adventurous we are in our sex lives, can benefit from a simple conversation about what you like. Maybe you’re not ready to try pegging or butt plugs, that’s fine!
Honest conversation together about what you like can be incredibly sexy.
And by prioritizing communication with your partner, you are putting in an effort. And studies show that putting in effort can lead to more sexual satisfaction and less boring sex life.
Use an online tool like Mojo Upgrade if you’re stuck. This site offers an anonymous test and you and your partner can take and it will find the matching desires but keep the mismatching ones hidden.
Bigger than Sex
Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum! It’s part of a much larger connection that you have with your partner. Having fun in non-sexual ways, by laughing and finding joyful things to do together, can go a long way in adding some fun back in the bedroom.
“Remember, foreplay starts after the last orgasm,” says Dr. Emily Morse. Everything you do outside the bedroom matters!
Many of us have heard of tantric sex as a way to spice up the bedroom. Whether you want to go full-blown yogi and study a bunch of books on tantra, or you are just curious about it, the methods of tantra can be an inspiration for sexy activities.
Tantric sex requires that you slow down and make the intimacy the #1 goal instead of orgasms. It usually involves prolonged foreplay, and typically there’s less movement and touching than regular sex.
When we think of exciting sex, we usually think of trying crazy and adventurous moves. Instead, take a tantric approach. Slow down.
Begin sex with just sitting together naked, looking into each other eyes.
You don’t need a textbook to try it. Be still with your partner, breathe naturally together, sit in silence. Let the breath speak for both of you.
There are a million more tantric tips to learn. If you and your partner are interested, dive in deeper.
Masturbation Is Your Rehab
That is what Betty Dodson says to those looking to feel more in their bedrooms. Take time to have sex with yourself, and try some of the same exercises as you would with your partner. Buy yourself a new toy, or rent a new sexy video online. Splurge on some bubble bath supplies and have a tantric easing into the pleasure.
Exploring with yourself is extremely important to discover your sexual desires.
Once you’ve done some exploring, bring that back to your partner.
Sex Is Boring? You Have the Power to Make It Exciting
Take time by yourself to define what boredom feels like to you and why sex is boring for you. Then, talk to your partner about your feelings. Try new things together – toys, positions, even just having sex at a new time of day. Most importantly, have fun together!
Be joyful and make time for fun dates together. All of this should have you feeling less bored in no time.