Where and When Selective Surrendering Has Its Place

selective surrender
Written by Liana Buzea

Many of us, people with vaginas, dream of an intensely loving and sexual relationship. Regardless what gender we identify with, or what gender we seek in others, many of us want a transformative or enriching relationship.

I will address today only the part of the population that was gifted this beautiful and alluring body part, the pussy, as it does impact the way this person shows up in a relationship.

The intention of the relationship may vary from person to person: transformation, fulfillment, intensity, adventure, following a human and natural tendency, having kids, building a family, acquiring a social status and so on.

Yet, whatever our individual goal may be, we get into that relationship for ourselves.

Not for the other person, as we cannot really control another person’s journey, but for us.

So I want to invite us to look at one quality that a pussy holder may want to consider growing inside: Selective surrendering.

Why surrender?

First of all the anatomy is pretty explicit: those of us with vaginas have the space that will be filled by someone else. There’s simply no mistake in this anatomical fact. Something enters and something is being entered. Even in same-sex relationships, someone dominates (including physically) and someone is being dominated. In sex, it mostly goes down to this dynamic. Whether physical or emotional. Sometimes even psychological.

Yet, does this domination dynamic make one automatically surrender to… anything? Surrender to a new partner or to any request from their already established partner?

There is a widespread concept that surrendering is the most powerful practice.

In love, in life and in spirituality.

While it is true, I invite you to notice a nuance

I find that in certain situations it can be downright damaging to expect surrender. Surrendering unconditionally to someone or something that turns out to not be fit, healthy or beneficial… is either an imprisonment dynamic, a sadomasochist dynamic or someone is enlightened and no experience whatsoever will have an effect on them.

Yet, most people do not fall into either of these categories.

So, in love, when you hear something in the range of: ”I need you to be or act like this” or ”I have had lovers in deep surrender”… That is a moment you may wish to consider selective surrender.

About this selective surrender

The act of surrendering, to someone or something, is a very deep act of placing one’s trust into someone or something that resides on the outside. And also inside yourself, that no matter what happens, you’ve got your own back.

While I do agree that it is a huge proof of evolution to surrender, sometimes I believe it is okay to question and to select whom or what you surrender to. And also question or look at the circumstances or the quality of the relationship in which you are asked to surrender.

Love relationships are built gradually and lovers show themselves according to what they build together. Sometimes all it takes is time to let the lovers open up progressively, other times it may take a presence on behalf of both lovers to see what is truly growing between them.

Surrender, for the sake of surrendering, is not healthy.

The important thing here is that their relationship is unique and original. So to want it, or need it, to resemble anything from anyone’s past or anything from books or teaching or examples elsewhere… is perhaps at least inspired love relationship.

And that is where surrender can be misplaced or downright damaging.

First of all look at yourself

What do you want or what do you intend in the present moment?

When entering a relationship, when having sex with someone, when sharing a deep, vulnerable side of you with your lover, what is your intention?

Look beyond your need. Look for your intention.

selective surrender

Most times you actually have an intention, whether you thought of it or not.

To be able to answer this question on your own („what is my intention?”) you may wish to spend some time with yourself. This question can also be tricky at times. Especially when you already have the hots for someone and you cannot really focus or think straight.

Your intention can at times be clouded by your emotions.

To help you clarify your intention at those times, perhaps a friend or someone neutral may help you. But not your lover!

I find it mature to seek professional help outside the relationship in order to clarify yourself with regards to your relationship. Your own intention is extremely important.


It takes a sincere look at the relationship to see if the person or the interaction is what you truly want or intend. This is extremely difficult to realize if you do not keep a frequent practice of contemplation. Also, if you are very much clouded by your emotions.

You may get a clear vision in a love relationship if you frequently contemplate your relationship:

„Am I on my track here?”
”Is the relationship keeping me on my track or is it sidetracking me?”
„Am I feeling okay with what I am doing or what I am entering into?”

After many painful experiences, I saw that surrendering came after spending time contemplating my own feelings and intentions as well as the appropriateness of my relationship. I don’t expect myself to surrender deeper layers without the proper intensity in the relationship. Nor to behave in ways that my lover would need me to if those ways are simply not mine.

As women or people with vaginas, I found out the hard way that we need to realize it takes time to surrender.

And really pay attention whom or what we surrender to.

Third, selection stems from an awareness

If you get the first two steps right, then the selective surrender becomes obvious. You will realize what is best for you. That’s what the selection means: what keeps me on my track, what makes me and others around me grow. Is it uplifting me overall, is it bringing out the qualities in me, am I better for myself and those around me?

Selective surrendering may be wiser. And it can be practiced both when choosing a lover, as well as while being in a love relationship.

For example, your lover may ask you to do things which are not a match for you. Whether they suggest a place to go to, a food to eat or even a way of expressing yourself. Be it in intimacy, in public, while doing your work and so on. These situations appear quite often in relationships, even from the most conscious people. If we do not address them spot on, they can sneak in bits of tension or create small cracks of separation in the long run.

Selective surrendering means that you bring a dynamic to what all partners can manage.

And it may well be an art. It takes much inner work.

Yet for those of us who practice selective surrendering, on the long run, may find themselves in beautiful and enriching relationships.

About the author

Liana Buzea

Since 2014 Liana began exploring several practices of oriental traditions, vegan nutrition, juicing for health, phytotherapy, as well as basic aspects of human sexuality. Since 2016 she began officially the formation as somatic sexuality coach, otherwise called sexological bodyworker.
She contributed to opening the social perception to the sexual development with healthier references on this area of our lives and by seeking ways to expand our sexual & erotic experiences.
Check out Liana's website

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