I would love to be able to proclaim, that my sexual encounters have, for the most part, been conscious loving, Tantric and rewarding. But as I mentioned last week, that is not my story. And I’ve realized (with a weird kind of a relief) that I am not alone.
Conscious penetration is NOT our common story.
Most of us have, at one time or another, done the ‘walk of shame’ or had a sexual experience that we regret, or wound up just ‘going for it’ or ‘putting up with it’ because it seemed like the easier option.
If this resonates, may all guilt be released, may all regret leave our hearts and minds.
Because these less desirable experiences are the ones that ultimately guide us towards seeking self-care and more satisfying sex. But first, you have to get the message.
So here goes:
Premature penetration has a significant impact on the cervix. With cervical stimulation, there are two kinds of discomfort, one that feels like it wants to be nudged through and one that is a sharp NO from the body. This sharp ‘no’ usually comes as a result of an unconscious cock, ramming its way up the vaginal canal.
This kind of unconscious penetration creates a tension in the body. Do this a few times, and the body/vagina will brace pre-emptively. The nervous system is spiked to facilitate armoring and protection, and there is little chance of surrendering into pleasure.
Ultimately the cervix “checks out” and numbs to avoid pain.
The impact on the vagina is similar. When entered too soon or unconsciously she will also develop tension from bracing. The entrance may become tight and unwelcoming, and she may become numb and knotty like any tense muscle and then is less available for turn on and arousal.
The message to the brain is ‘it’s not safe to let go’. Oxytocin doesn’t get released, the parasympathetic nervous system cannot fully activate, and so the body’s arousal process is diminished.
To Liberate the Cervix, You Have to Free the Vagina First
Connect premature penetration with friction based rubbing and you get decreased sensation. You might think more friction will create more sensation, but it doesn’t. Men lose sensitivity, and so do women.
Conscious sex can be slow, sometimes still, building energy in the genitals, tuning into subtle vibration. The more you practice like this, the more sensitivity you can generate. Whoever or whatever is entering will learn to feel the cervix and coax her out.
The cock or finger becomes conscious. You can consciously fill appendages with light (as strange as this may sound). The penis approaches with sensitivity and with this kind of intention can become the best acupressure tool. If your partner does not have a penis, the same goes for anything you insert into the vagina – use it as an extension of the arm and bring more awareness to the act.
This is one reason I will teach de-armoring in the Masterclass.
It’s a way of undoing holding patterns created by the resistance we need to protect ourselves from the pain of fast entry. Once the cervix and vagina are open and receptive, the Yoni will crave pressure and will want to be made love to.
Going slow creates safety and rewires the nervous system so the body will open and orgasm will flow.
Becoming conscious around sexuality requires understanding that your vagina IS a temple. And how do you enter a temple? With respect and reverence.
The journey towards receiving consciously takes some courage and re-educating, but it is ultimately the greatest gift you can give yourself and your relationships.
Women’s empowerment implies healing and de-armoring the body. In this process, many women let go of old emotions and grief from a time when they sacrificed themselves for someone else’s pleasure. Mariah Freya interviewed sexologist Olivia Bryant, who shares a deeply touching story on this matter.