I’ve come across so, so many!
Sex myths, that is.
They pop up when I read articles, when I speak to clients or when I chat with my friends. They are right beneath the surface and the problem is that it’s the minority of these myths that are actually true.
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The problem is that we often believe them to be a true reflection of reality.
It’s especially men’s sex drive, which tends to be very myth-ridden – more accurately, men’s lacking sex drive. This is such a taboo topic, which neither men nor women is very good at talking about. And this, dear friends, is why these myths continue to thrive.
The myths about men’s sex drive and – at times – lacking a sex drive, is really just that: myths.
This is why I’ve decided that it’s about time I shoot down the 5 worst myths about men’s sex drive.
Myth #1: Men’s sex drive is always high.
I’m sure you’ve heard it: men always have high sex drive and want sex all the time!
Just say the word and they’re good to go.
So many people buy into this myth without even questioning it. However, the fact of the matter is that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with reality. Well, in some cases yes, men’s sex drive tends to be stronger than their female partner’s.
In other relationships, it’s quite the opposite though.
Men’s sex drive – or a lack of – can be just as different from man to man, as it is from woman to woman. Still, so many people walk around thinking that being male equals a never-dying lust to procreate around the clock. Men’s sex drive, therefore, isn’t something we talk about very much. We just assume it’s thriving.
This isn’t exactly true though. Men’s sex drive peaks and troths. Sometimes he can feel his sex drive being quite high and other times, he won’t even think about sex.
Let me repeat: THIS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL.
This is, of course, pretty hard to believe when all we hear is the opposite. This is why men tend to keep it to themselves, if they experience a low sex drive.
They just won’t talk about it.
They might feel a bit embarrassed.
Perhaps they think there’s something wrong with them.
This silence creates a problem because the more these men keep to themselves about this, the more they’ll push away their partner. She’s probably thinking there’s something wrong with her, now that suddenly he doesn’t want sex anymore.
Let me repeat: there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL TO EXPERIENCE A MISSING SEX DRIVE.
If your sex drive goes away partially, or even completely, for a period of time, it’s simply because your body is putting its energy elsewhere.
It’s only natural.
This goes for men too.
That’s just how it is.
Myth #2: If I don’t turn him on anymore, it must be because he no longer loves me.
I can’t stress this enough. Men’s sex drive is always about something but it’s very rarely a lack of love, that’s the problem. Sex drive comes and goes, even for both men and women.
To get down to the basics of it, sex drive is a natural mechanism, which makes us humans want to reproduce and allow our genes to live on and well, ensure the survival of our species. So really, the human sex drive differs; it can be high and it can be low. It can also be affected by the different stages of life.
When we fall in love, everything is new and exciting. The “happy drug” Dopamine is floating through our bodies, making you radiant, smiling…. And boosts your sex drive.
There are, however, other times in life where you don’t feel like sex so much;
When your kids are young and need a lot of attention and care.
If you have a million things on your mind.
If you’re sick.
If you’re in over your head at work.
As I see it, the problem isn’t because the sex drive peaks and troths – and sometimes it really troths – but rather that we don’t talk about it because it’s still so taboo-ridden.
If, for a certain period of time, your husband doesn’t feel like having sex because he’s stressed at work and his thoughts are going a million miles an hour, then please don’t panic. It’s only natural that he doesn’t exactly feel like having sex. It has nothing to do with him not loving his wife any longer; he’s just stressed.
The thing is though, that if he doesn’t talk about this missing sex drive of his, she’ll feel rejected she’ll start thinking:
Is there something wrong with me?
Did I do something wrong?
Doesn’t he find me attractive anymore?
Is there someone else?
She goes into defense mode and her reaction will typically be short and cold remarks. A bit here and there, you know. A short fuse. Little things becoming big things.
And all of a sudden, before anyone really saw it coming, this natural state of a temporary reduced sex drive has turned into a GIGANTIC relationship-issue. This, of course, will most likely only reduce the sex drive even further.
This is exactly why it’s so important to get this point across: a man’s missing sex drive is not the same thing as him not loving you anymore. There can be thousands of reasons to why men’s sex drive can go low – or gone completely. What you have to do though is to talk about it. Put words to the feelings this sparks in both of you. The feelings of shame, rejection and of not being good enough are big feelings and they need to be dealt with before they grow big. If you allow them to grow big, they can ruin entire relationships.
Myth #3: If you don’t have sex regularly, you don’t have a good relationship.
This is one of the most damaging myths out there! Of course(!!) you can have a wonderful relationship, even though you don’t get down and dirty four times a week. Or four times a year, for that matter.
Some people have quite a high sex drive; other people’s sex drive is lower. And also, your sex drive might be affected from whatever else is happening in your life. The problem occurs when someone in the relationship doesn’t think you’re having enough sex.
The person with the higher sex drive might feel rejected. Or the one with the low sex drive might not feel good enough. It can be anything in between really and this is why it’s so important to talk to each other about these things.
Some media-sexologists believe that you just need to have sex anyway – make the problem go away by screwing your way out of it; if you don’t feel like, just close your eyes and do it anyway.
In my eyes, this is the worst thing to do. The absolute worst!
What you need to do is to talk about it.
Find some words to describe what you’re experiencing.
Open up; let yourself out on the open road. All that jazz.
One of you – or maybe even both of you – are walking around with all these untold and unreleased emotions and this only ends in even more frustration and an ever lower sex drive.
On the other hand, if you talk to one another about it all, you’ll learn about each other’s sex drive and the mechanisms behind it. This will make things so much easier; things will just start running a lot smoother, when you know both your own and your partner’s sex drive and how to control it.
Myth #4: Men don’t care about love, they just want to get laid.
To be honest, I have absolutely no idea how this myth even came about; it couldn’t be farther from the truth.
As I’ve said a few times now, we’re all human beings and with that comes a lot of things like:
We want to be loved.
We want to be seen.
We want to be recognized.
All of these things apply to men just as much as they do for women, so to state that “men just want sex, they don’t care about love” isn’t exactly depicting reality. Love means A LOT to men.
That’s also why it’s so difficult for a man to suddenly not feel like having sex anymore. One of the things he’s probably feeling is his pride taking a hit (talking about myth #1) but also, it’s not great being in a relationship where your partner wants something you can’t give them.
It’s pretty draining actually.
On top of that, if you’re ashamed of it all and haven’t told your better half what’s wrong, you’ll probably end up with a partner who feels rejected. She’ll feel hurt and she’ll defend herself with blame and ridicule and well, that’s how it start… the downward spiral.
Love means a lot to so many men.
If he’s met with blame and ridicule every day, it’ll hurt him. Really hurt him. And this will only reinforce this missing sex drive; it might even send him looking for someone else, just to find some validation.
I often tell couples to recognise each other’s sex drive without taking responsibility for each other’s sex drive. This makes it so much easier to deal with different levels of sex drive in your daily life.
You’ll avoid conflicts as well as feelings of not feeling good enough.
Myth #5: If he can’t get it up, he doesn’t want sex.
A problem getting an erection is one of the biggest taboos going around. Due to all the myths about men and their unstoppable hunger for sex, these problems getting an erection are often accompanied by embarrassment. And this is basically where things go wrong.
The erection issue is a natural thing.
Our sex drive – and how our body functions in general – depends on how we are, you know, in life. If something is taking up a lot of room in our minds, then there just isn’t always a lot of energy to get it up. Yep, let’s not beat around the bush. But because a lot of people are under the impression that these “erection problems” don’t happen to “real” men, they lie. They say they just don’t feel like having sex. They cover it up by being very distant.
Avoidance behavior, we call it.
The problem with this, of course, is that you don’t solve anything by doing this. Quite the opposite really… When your wife keeps feeling rejected, new problems arise. She’ll start to wonder whether there’s something wrong with her. Or she might start looking for another man to give her the attention she deserves.
So yes, you might avoid an uncomfortable situation by displaying this ‘avoidance behavior, but then again, you’re not really avoiding anything. You’re just pushing it out in front of you to deal with later on. And “later on”, the problems will be a lot bigger than they ever needed to be. The article on conscious listening might be a good way to start solving this avoidance behavior.
It’s NOT unnatural for the erection to die down during intercourse or for it to even not happen at all, every now and then. Most men have this idea that they have to be hard as a rock from start to finish EVERY time they have sex with a woman.
If this doesn’t happen, they panic. And this just makes the problem even worse as it’ll most likely result in the erection not happening – at all.
Before you know it, you’ve created this anxiety of performance. And created it from the thought that you HAVE to always get an erection and if you do whatever is in your power to hide these thoughts and this problem, then you’ve just created a very nice foundation for erection problems for life.
This is why it’s important for your wife or your girlfriend to understand that it’s not uncommon for your erection to well, not erect.
Just like women can’t always climax.
It’s just as important that, as a man, you understand that this is perfectly natural. It’s such a great idea to talk to your partner about these things, to avoid anyone feeling rejected, unattractive or any less like a man (or a woman).
Let’s wind it up: too many false myths about men’s sexuality and men’s sex drive continue to thrive. These myths can be detrimental to a relationship because they mean that you keep your problems and your insecurities to yourself causing your partner to feel rejected or avoided. What we need to get better at is to understand that our sex life is very much affected by whatever else is happening in our life. The sooner we accept this and talk about it(!), the better.
This is why it’s perfectly normal for men’s sex drive to fluctuate as they move through life. A missing sex drive should NOT be an issue. The issue doesn’t actually manifest until you cease to talk about what’s going on and the minute you stop being honest with one another. THAT’s when things start to snowball. It’s very easy to do something about a missing sex drive; all it requires is for you to accept it, understand where it’s (not) coming from and do something about it as a UNIT.