Why Keeping Eye Contact During Sex Makes *It* Sooo Much Better

eye contact during sex
Written by Theresa Kirkby

Let’s talk about eye contact during sex! “Look me in the eye, so I know you speak the truth” is a sentence I’ve heard before. From a movie? From a poem? I’m not sure. But it’s a sentence that tells me something about the depth of our eyes.

My eyes are the gateway to my soul, just as your eyes are the gateway to yours, which is why keeping eye connection with people can feel rather intimidating, vulnerable and revealing. However it is also why looking into someone’s eyes, really looking into them, can overwhelm us with one of the most beautiful and empathic of emotions.


I once spoke to a lovely young guy that didn’t want to look me in the eyes. “Why do you shy away from my eyes?” I asked wanting him to look at me. “Because I feel that keeping eye contact is a very intimate thing, and it takes time for me to share that part of myself,” he then answered, allowing me to glance into his soul for a brief moment before pulling away.

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Yes. Eye contact can be a very intimate thing, especially eye contact during sex, which is why we ought to have it a lot more, seeing as sex is one of the most, if not THE most, intimate thing that two people can share. So why don’t we?

The best sex I’ve ever had has been while looking into my partner’s eyes,” I told a German woman a few months ago, as we were drinking a cup of tea on a cold evening. “Haha… Really? I like to close my eyes, and just feel what’s going on. I wouldn’t be comfortable looking into my partner’s eyes. I don’t know. It seems a bit weird.” She said while looking at me with an expression that said, “You’re kinda strange but also a little interesting.”

I Used to Close My Eyes During Sex

I used to find eye contact super intimidating during such intimacies because I was self-conscious about my body, I found myself thinking too much about too many silly things. I was scared to meet his eyes and really gaze into them because I was scared of opening up my heart and my soul. It was just too intense, and I wasn’t ready because I wondered… “What is he thinking?”

eye contact during sex

But something changed. I started to become more interested in and conscious about my own sexuality and worth as a sexual woman, which lead me down the path of loving myself and my body a lot more. Eye gazing became a very important ingredient to my love-life, allowing me to connect fully with my partner during intimacy, allowing me to surrender into the power of “now”, into the power of love, by opening the gates that would interlock my soul with his.

I understand why keeping eye contact during sex can feel weird, funny, awkward, uncomfortable, wrong, revealing, intimidating. But I’ve come to find, that it’s an ingredient we need in our lives, sexual or not, to connect with and open up to one another. It’s that secret ingredient that’ll bring spice and depth to our love-life because it makes us reveal our souls to one another, which I guess is what sex is really about?

So How Do We Keep Eye Contact During Sex?

So how do we open our eyes and really look into out partners soul, if we’ve never done it before? How do we overcome that “hiding behind closed eyes” feeling that we so often get during intimacy?

It’s hard to say really because sometimes we meet someone who automatically makes us want to look into their eyes. But most often it’s a conscious choice we have to make. We have to tell ourselves: “Open your eyes, look into her/his eyes, feel.” And we have to tell ourselves this over and over because we’ll quite possibly find ourselves getting stuck in our own streaming thoughts of insecurities, which brings us away from merely feeling and being in our bodies. Which is why we have to practice loving our own bodies and who we are!

Oh jeez, here we go again. Is loving yourself really the answer to everything? Hmm. Yep. I actually think it is.

Though to give a more practical and hands-on advice I’d say: “Practice eye-gazing with your partner or close friends. Practice eye contact with strangers.

Let them see you.

Because when we let people see us, we learn that there’s nothing to be ashamed of. When we let people see us, we discover the beauty and intimacy of being open.”

The first step towards fantastic sex is to feel comfortable with who you are.

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About the author

Theresa Kirkby

Theresa Johanne Kirkby is a certified holistic sexologist, who grew up in a small village in the south of Denmark. She is a free-spirited woman, whose vocation is to help with opening the minds of people by breaking societal limitations and taboos of sexuality and intimacy.

Over the past 6 years she has been dedicated in the path of self-love, which has taught her the beauty of connection and conscious sexuality - a beauty she now strives to share with others. She offers therapy sessions related to everything from a heartbreak to a dysfunctional sexuality.

Her passion for hula hooping is ongoing and she can often be found dancing barefoot to the rythms of a djembe-jam.

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