Help! I Cheated on My Boyfriend…

cheated on my boyfriend
Written by Theresa Kirkby

Most of us have thought about it or been tempted to do it. A lot of us have done it – that thing that’s a huge “no-no”, that thing where we do the forbidden – where we eat from the apple we weren’t supposed to – gosh, I cheated on my boyfriend!

Yes.. Cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend is definitely something that’s frowned upon by most of the world, as it’s seen as deceitful and feels like a stab to the heart.

…Unfortunately, this “How-on-earth-could-you-do-that-to-me” thing is much more common than we might realize. Some statistics show that more than 50% of men and women have admitted committing infidelity once or twice throughout their lives! Uh. That’s a lot… But it doesn’t surprise me, seeing as most people I know have cheated on boyfriend or know of someone who has – Including myself.

I Cheated on My Boyfriend

I cheated on boyfriend

Theresa.. Don’t tell him. What good can possibly come of it? It’s selfish to tell him. You’re only clearing your own consciousness by doing so,” a few people told me when I was fighting an inner battle of; “Do I tell him, or not?”

Yes, I cheated on my boyfriend, I’d hooked up (kissed) with an old flame I hadn’t seen for years, even though I was in a relationship with a beautiful man, whom I loved. But I’d felt an emotional distance to him, which had made me hungry for affection and attention.

So hungry I couldn’t resist a bite of that forbidden deliciousness – cheating on boyfriend. My heart was pounding with anxiety and fear as I’d won my inner battle with honesty and decided I had to tell him because I’m a horrible liar and would feel bad if I didn’t.

I cheated, now what?

I wanted him to know what I’d done, otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to look him in the eye again without feeling shame.

I’m a strong believer in honesty – and had I not told him about it, I wouldn’t have given him the freedom of choice. The freedom to say “fuck you, it’s over” or “I forgive you”. Some might think it’s selfish to speak the truth, because of the (unnecessary) pain we chuck onto our loved ones. But isn’t it more selfish not to speak the truth, because a part of you is afraid of how that truth will affect you?

My partner didn’t leave me. He forgave me. I slipped, but he picked me up. And he was thankful for the truth.

“Telling the truth and making someone cry, is better than telling a lie to make someone smile”

Should I Tell Him I Cheated?

should i tell him i cheated

If you’ve messed up by cheating on your boyfriend, fucked someone else, hooked up with someone else, spent secret time with someone you’re attracted to or been flirting a little too much with someone you weren’t supposed to or just simply asking yourself if you should tell your partner you cheated, then ask yourself these questions:

  1. Why did/do I do it? (lust, attention, affection, made me feel special again?)
  2. Do I still want to be with my partner? “If no” – why are we still together?
  3. “If yes” – why have I been out where I couldn’t reach the ground? What am I missing from my relationship? (intimacy, connection, affection, attention, someone who listens, love, ect)
  4. Have you spoken openly to your partner about what you need from him/her? About what you’re missing in your relationship?
  5. Is honesty important to you?
  6. Do you want your partner to be honest with you?
  7. Would you like a conscious relationship, where you’ll be able to grow with your partner?

Fear of hurting ourselves or the person we love cause us to be dishonest and withhold the truth from one-another.

Do you want to be ruled by fear? … No? Then…

You should tell your boyfriend you cheated on him.

Not only for your partner, but also for yourself.

If we’re honest and tell the truth, right after we’ve “fucked” up, we save ourselves and our partner from a lot of lies, secrets and awkward moments that’ll eventually lead us down a path of feeling complete dis-connection to each other. Because we (cheaters) tend to distance and guard ourselves against our partner, for fear of being caught.

You might think… What the eye doesn’t see, the heart doesn’t know. – But the heart always knows because the heart feels. The heart feels the distance, the disconnection, the unspoken words.

Being Cheated On – The Other Perspective

should i tell my boyfriend i cheated

Many of us have cheated, but many of us have been cheated on, too! And what a horrible feeling it comes with – it bleeds and stings, like salt on an open wound, that makes wonder..

Am I not enough? Don’t you love me? What did I do wrong? You’re an idiot.. How could you? I feel abandoned. Left in the cold. Left in the dark. Alone. Un-loved. Not good enough. And then we close ourselves off in protection.

Yep. It’s definitely not fun being cheated on, but it happens. So.. The way I see it, people who have been cheated on have 3 main options.

  1. Leave him/her and tell everyone what an idiot he/she was.
  2. Stay with him/her and try to forget (but.. yeah.. you won’t, so you’ll just make him/her make up for it all the time, by being an insecure, controlling little bitch)
  3. Stay with him/her, forgive him/her and use that stinky shit (you got chucked in your face) to grow from as a couple.

If one side consciously chooses to be with a partner, despite what they did to him/her, both sides have to bring everything into the light and figure out why he/she cheated.

Why Did I Cheat on My Boyfriend?

The most common reason for infidelity is, SEX and LUST. But an emotional reflection of what one needs is also a common reason for cheating – i.e. missing a feeling of being important, loved, appreciated, special.

So… What did one partner miss? What did I miss when I cheated on a boyfriend? What didn’t one partner get enough of, that made him/her search for it from other people?

When speak from our hearts and let our partner see everything that’s going on inside it, we have a chance of reconnecting.

When we know why one partner cheated, it makes it easier to look beyond the deceit of the action.

How to Deal with Cheating and Grow from It

how to deal with cheating

Sex, intimacy, touch and affection are some of the most important factors for a healthy relationship. If you’ve got problems in this department, don’t shy away from it! And don’t keep saying to yourself and your partner; “I just don’t feel like it, you should respect that

Ask yourself: why don’t I feel like it? Communicate consciously about it and take responsibility for your own sexuality and thereby your relationship.

Cheating is not ok, however being in a sex-less relationship is not ok either!

If our partner has cheated because of emotional reasons, we have to find out what those were. If he/she felt un-appreciated, unloved, not listened to and so forth, one has to find it within self to listen, communicate and try to relate to their feeling.

Sometimes relating to someone’s feelings, makes it easier to forgive.

Forgiveness is not easy, and it’s certainly not easy being cheated on, just like it’s not easy dealing with yourself after you’ve cheated. However, we shouldn’t be too quick to judge and throw away, just like we should be honest withone anotherr and speak the truth if we’ve cheated.

There’s a lot of shit in this world, there’s a lot of it in relationships, so why don’t we try to plant flowers from it and use our tears to make them grow?

About the author

Theresa Kirkby

Theresa Johanne Kirkby is a certified holistic sexologist, who grew up in a small village in the south of Denmark. She is a free-spirited woman, whose vocation is to help with opening the minds of people by breaking societal limitations and taboos of sexuality and intimacy.

Over the past 6 years she has been dedicated in the path of self-love, which has taught her the beauty of connection and conscious sexuality - a beauty she now strives to share with others. She offers therapy sessions related to everything from a heartbreak to a dysfunctional sexuality.

Her passion for hula hooping is ongoing and she can often be found dancing barefoot to the rythms of a djembe-jam.

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