Have you ever wondered why sex makes babies, but babies can often mean the end of sex? This phenomenon happens to almost all couples following the birth of a child. And guess what?
It is normal.
But it is also a great opportunity to really understand libido and why some seasons of our life are filled with the desire and execution of exciting sex and some seasons feel particularly void of the desire for sex at all, much less exciting sex.
So what causes the phenomenon of low libido, in general? What it is about having a baby that automatically makes it difficult, especially for women, to get into the mood for sex? This particular phenomenon is due to one main factor.
The biggest killer of arousal is responsibility.
According to relationship and sex expert, Esther Perel, the responsibilities you carry in your emotional and physical life are what create the biggest barrier to becoming aroused. And there is no bigger responsibility in the world than raising children, especially an infant!
Last time you had sex, was it difficult to turn off your mind from thinking about the responsibilities of the day? The kids? Work? Painting the kitchen? Returning that e-mail? The to-do list items that will be pushed off until tomorrow? That argument you had with your mother?
All of these things can cloud our mind and interfere with our ability to let go, get vulnerable and get excited about sex. This can be even more difficult for women because we tend to take longer to get fully aroused and ready for sex, so there is more time for those responsible thoughts to creep in and take over.
So have you been experiencing difficulty getting aroused and in the mood for sex?
If so, you may want to tackle managing your thought flow prior to sex. Managing how you digest the responsibilities of the day will help you achieve enormous gains in arousal at night. Here are some life-hacks on how to get your libido back.
Ask for help. Buy help. Bargain for help. Your partner, family friends or hired help are all available to you. Your mom wants to help now that you have a new baby? Ask her to do some laundry. Trade kid sitting with friends and neighbors.
You take all the kids on Tuesday night and your neighbor takes them all on Thursday so you both get a date night or simply time to chill or get caught up at home. Feel overwhelmed with the responsibilities of the house? Get a plan together with your partner to share the bulk of the chores.
Make your bedroom a safe haven
The more you can create a physical space for your intimate life, the more mental space will open up as well. Try to create a bedroom that helps you get away from it all instead of reminding you of all you have to do. Fold laundry on the couch, pay bills in the kitchen and do your work e-mails at the table, not your bed.
If you can consistently take measures to keep your bedroom as a sacred physical space, over time you will notice a lightness and a shift in attitude when you walk in the door. The physical space cues of relaxation and connection that you have created in your bedroom will serve to decrease the time and energy it takes to get aroused.
Date Your Partner
Get away from the responsibilities of home.
Go on a date and reconnect with your partner in ways that help you identify as more than a parent. This helps place your responsibilities in perspective of the rest of your life and connect to what really matters. People and relationships. Your arousal depends on your ability to connect and move away from responsibilities and a date night is the perfect remedy.
Mentally offload your responsibilities
Shifting your brain from responsibility to relationship and connection is not automatic. It takes concerted effort and a consciousness. Find what techniques work for you. Prior to sex you may want to write a list of all your responsibilities,and leave it outside of your bedroom, spend some time in meditation, or you could try deep breathing and visualization.
Try this visualization technique; fill a clear jar with pretty objects like shells or marbles and place it just outside your bedroom. Each time you are headed toward the bedroom to engage in sex, stop at your “responsibility jar” and take a deep breath in. As you breath out, imagine all your anxieties, worries and responsibilities flowing out of you, out of your mind and into the jar. Know and commit to them feeling safe and held in that jar until you return to it.
Create new mental sex expectations
Sex may not happen as regularly as it did before a baby, a work schedule change, or simply a busier season of our life. But that doesn’t mean you both have to be disappointed. Create new expectations together about how much sex you will have and then create goals to make that less frequent sexual experience really incredible. Most people would take less sex that is more engaged and authentically pleasurable than more, empty, non-engaging sex.
Go for quality, no quantity.
Anticipating quality sex can go a long way in increasing your arousal. So, in order to have a relationship full of fulfilling sex that fuels your relationship with your partner, try mitigating your responsibilities before you step into the bedroom. The more mental space you can give to your arousal and sex life, the more aroused and physically available your body will become.