We were sitting in shelter from the pouring rain, drinking a glass of red wine while nibbling away on cheeses when we started talking about relationships and sexuality. “My friend’s fiance has never had an orgasm“, he told me with an expression that said, “can you believe that?!”.. I nodded encouragingly to his words, with a feeling of sadness for this woman. Yes..I could believe that because there was a time in my life when I couldn’t get an orgasm either. When I’d never had one before, and sincerely though I’ never be able to get one. Ever.
But I did. And so can you!
My journey into being orgasmic
I was raised catholic and had to go to church every sunday. Yeah, I was even an alter-girl. A bit ironic ey, seeing that I’m now a sexologist. Anyhow.. Being raised catholic meant that we didn’t speak of sex, intimacy and love between man and woman, between any gender really. Sex was definitely a taboo, which also came to mean that I barely tried masturbating when I was a teenager and the few times I did, with a cold carrot from the fridge and a bowl of olive oil as lubricant, I always stopped before I reached my peak, as I remember thinking that it felt like I had to pee – and how freaking embarrassing and weird wouldn’t that be? Besides.. Was that what it was supposed to feel like? It felt wrong and bad and sinful. And so I stopped.
However.. Being young and rebellious and tired of being a virgin, I got a musician to pop my cherry in the backseat of his mothers car when I was 17 years old. Okay.. Sex. That’s was something else. Sure the first couple of times hurt, but I felt sexy and very much wanted, and so I started loving it – not because I felt immense streams of pleasure.. No, because it made me feel good about myself to know that I was wanted. It turned me on to feel desired.
Orgasms? Na. I didn’t get those. I was too busy thinking about what the guy wanted, than feeling what I wanted. I was stuck inside my head with the sincere belief of; “I’m not able to orgasm!”, and therefore felt a bit uncomfortable when a guy would want to make me cum’. But I wondered about them nontheless..The orgasms.. What did they feel like? Had I ever gotten one? Sometimes I thought I had.. But I later came to know that: If you THINK you’ve had an orgasm, then you HAVEN’T!
Having read somewhere in a stupid women’s magazine that some women/girls couldn’t orgasm, and that this was totally normal, I remember thinking to myself: “My goodness.. Now it all makes sense. I’m just one of those girls that can’t orgasm“. Yep. I was sure that my body worked differently, and felt an instant relief in reading this fake piece of information. I was normal! So I stopped thinking too much about why I couldn’t orgasm or of wanting them, and simply accepted not being orgasmic as a part of me. I still enjoyed having sex, (even though I liked it more when it was about the guy, and not me) so what was the problem?
The problem turned out to be me.. I was lacking self-worth and self-love, and when I realized this, after having read in a life changing book that “Women are love. You are love. Your are orgasmic. We are all capable of reaching orgasms“, I poured my heart and soul into what I later called: Mission Masturbation.
Mission Masturbation started with me, some almond oil and a purple dildo. But jeez.. what a struggle it was. Having convinced myself of NOT being able to orgasm for four years, it was really hard to convince myself of the opposite. Though about two hours after my “session” had begun, it happened nonetheless and I was SO excited and EXHAUSTED after having been in an almost constant battle between my negative, destructive thought patterns of “I can’t do it” and my positive, determined mind saying: “YES YOU CAN! Just stop thinking and feel!” Luckily my determination, to keep on playing with myself, won the battle and succeeded in a fantastic release.
Practise makes “perfect” right? So I kept on practising until I could make myself orgasm within 10 minutes. And I’m not kidding when I say: teaching myself to orgasm is one of the most important things I’ve ever done for myself.
Now.. You can learn to make yourself orgasm too! How amazing is that. All it takes is some will-power, relaxation, self-love, positive belief and masturbation.
If you have given up on reaching those delicious muscle clenches I’ve come to love so much, are having problems with orgasms during sex, or have never ever had one before, then the first thing you have to do is to try to change your belief-pattern.
Our brain is constantly affecting our body, which means that our thought patterns and belief system also affect our body = our vagina. If we keep believing that we aren’t capable of letting go into orgasms, then we sure as hell won’t reach them. Therefore we MUST believe that we’re orgasmic creatures, who have no problem reaching orgasms.
My goal is to orgasm
Then baby… Then you gotta practice in making yourself cum’. And the only way to do so is through masturbation.
Instead of watching a movie or killing time on facebook, then make it a top priority to enjoy some alone-time with your dildo, hand, vibrator, hairbrush or whatever you prefer.
Play with your body! Get to know it all over again – get some nice oil and massage your boobs, touch your belly, thighs, neck and explore your vagina. It’s not wrong, it’s not shameful, it’s simply a necessity to become more confident and comfortable with your body as a sexual woman.
If you need to watch porn, read erotic stories, fantasize about something or whatever floats your boat, then do it! Remember that you’re on an orgasmic mission. If your mind starts playing tricks on you, making you think about other things, making you feel bored with the whole I’m-touching-myself-and-nothing-is-happening-situation or simply is about to give up on you, then bring your attention and focus back to what you’re doing. Take a break. Breathe from your stomach. Touch your nipples instead of rubbing away on your clitoris. Too much stimulation can make your rosebud feel numb, so treat it like a beautiful butterfly before you rub away on it.. let it warm up to your touch.
Remember that you’re in no rush. Breathe again. Be conscious of your breath, as it helps you relax your body and brings you out of your mind. Use your willpower to keep on practicing until you reach your peak, and then practice some more until you feel confident in knowing that you ARE orgasmic.
..Then comes the slightly harder part.
Learning how to become orgasmic with a partner.
When we have no problem making ourselves orgasm, then it’s time to practice on making ourselves orgasm with a partner. Dum dum dum daa.
And how do we do this? Well.. through communication of course! Now that YOU know what you like, how your body works, where you like to be stimulated – you can openly share these things with your partner. Ask him/her to slow down, speed up, fuck you harder, fuck you softer, look you in the eyes, squeeze your nipples or whatever makes you feel aroused at that moment – whatever you NEED at that moment. Be selfish for the sake of your *orgasm mission*. If you’re finding it hard to communicate with words, then use your hands and body language to guide your partner’s touch and movement down the lane that you fancy. Take his or her hand and show it what to do and how to do it.
You might be thinking: “What if he or she doesn’t want to do what I like? What if they feel uncomfortable doing so?” Well then tell them: “I’d like for you to help me orgasm.” Just be honest about it. You’ll be surprised at just how many people out there, would like nothing more than to help you on your mission.
But to communicate about what you like and how you like it is not enough. We shouldn’t expect our partner to do all the work for us, seeing that it is OUR mission after all. No.. We have to work for those muscle clenches ourselves!
Which is why we have to get our own hands involved. By this I mean: TOUCH YOUR CLITORIS! Just like you do when you’re alone.
By adding open communication and spiritual masturbation into the art of love-making, you’re taking responsibility for your own pleasure, which I think is very important. We cannot and should not rely completely on our partner in making us feel sexual pleasure. Just like we ought not to rely on someone else in making us feel happy.
The more we practice in becoming orgasmic, the more orgasmic we will become. After teaching ourselves how to orgasm – to orgasm with a partner, the journey into sexual self-discovery of truly intense and deep pleasure will open itself in front of us, allowing us to be more present, more in our bodies and not in our minds. It will give us more sexual self-confidence which will then give us more confidence in our daily life. And not only will we become more confident, we’ll also become better at loving ourselves.
The journey starts within you! Once you master the subtle art of orgasms, many more different orgasms will start erupting inside you, because you’ll be more able to just RELAX and enjoy and feel confident in doing so.
You are love. You are a beautiful orgasmic woman with a beautiful butterfly vagina.
Keep that in mind. Good luck. <3
Images kindly provided by Spanda School