“Fuck Me Harder”- a Guide to Conscious Dirty Talk During Sex

dirty talk during sex
Written by Mariah Freya

“I love cock!” that’s a bold statement; I shouted it out in one of my podcasts :-). Don’t think for a minute that was easy for me. It takes courage to say out loud what we love, what we desire and what we yearn for. Dirty talk during sex is exciting!

Sometimes when I am worshipping my partner’s lingam (penis) by massaging it with my sweet and shy expression, I feel I want to get naughty (breaking my own vanilla pattern) and tell him how I fucking love his cock. How hot is that, hm?!

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Is hasn’t always been that way. Those words like “I love your cock” or “fuck me harder” used to get stuck in my throat. I just couldn’t get those sexy sounding words out of my mouth. I used to be anxious about expressing my sexual being. So I just stayed quiet; maybe the most I could get out of my throat was a little moan.

Do you know this stuckness? Do you feel you aren’t confident enough to fully show your sexual expression? You feel that you aren’t able to show your sexual being through sound, through mime, through your body’s movement and also not through your words?

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationship found that the more comfortable we are talking about sex, the more satisfactory our sex lives will become.

If you are a quiet, introvert lover and you feel that there must be more to it, I tell you, there is a way of becoming more active: Learn to become a dirty talk master and overcome that stuckness. You not only turn your partner on, but yourself too.

Sexuality comes in so many diverse expressions, and being able to communicate your own unique expression can be tremendously fulfilling.

Plus your partner won’t be able to stop thinking about you, when you send him a naughty SMS while he is at work. It’s mental foreplay, and super hot for keeping your juices in your relationship flowing. How does that sound? Are you in?

Yes? Then keep reading – I ran my fingers hot to deliver to you the ultimate guide to conscious dirty talk during sex. Why conscious? Just because it’s more fun to do things with presence, in my opinion.

So what are you going to learn?

  • Become a dirty talk master step-by-step
  • How to talk dirty and stay true to yourself
  • How to keep the attraction alive
  • How to build up sexual tension

1. Start Slow

So, you would like to engage more but you are a little shy and afraid. There is a word you would like to say, but it’s simply stuck and you have no clue how to get it out.

Good news: Simply start where you already feel comfortable.

Maybe you are already a master of dirty talk text messages? But you just haven’t gotten to the point of spitting those thoughts and words out in a hands-on situation. Don’t worry, we’ll get to that. For now be grateful for already having those thoughts.

Maybe you have a few fantasies but haven’t taken action on the dirty talk front yet? Question: Do you believe you’re a proper girl, or guy?
Our education has taught us not to speak frankly. But looking at children we know exactly how they are just straightforward with what they want and desire. There is a playfulness that we seem to lose over the years of learning how to eat properly, speak properly and act properly.

“So to become a conscious dirty talk master you need to open your mind and question your properness.”


Start by writing down new words and phrases and try them out by whispering (by yourself first). Once you feel a bit more ready, start texting those phrases to your lover or whispering them into the phone (a voice message can be an easier level for dirty talk too.)

It’s not what you say, but how you say it

Your voice is your mature turn on factor in the dirty talk world. There is a difference if you just say your fantasies in a normal tone out loud, of if you slow down, with presence, and use a mystical calmness with a confident intentional emphasis. You may use your moans, groans, sighs, whispering, or in some cases, even screaming. The sound can be commanding, harsh, sweet, submissive, uncertain and everything in between.
Most importantly, try to be authentic.

How fast you talk is up to you. As I said you have your unique sexual expression through words. Experiment with what feels good to you (and to the one receiving, by watching their response). If you are physically engaging with your partner while you are talkin’ dirty make sure your body reflects your words. Meaning – be engaged in your body, your body needs to match your words. It would be a super turn off if you are sitting on the couch chilling out, your lover is at the other end of the room, and you suddenly start talking dirty. Make’s sense, right?

Start with a soft-core dirty talk

Again, start slow. No master falls from heaven, we all gotta start somewhere. Which is what you’ve already got: YOU! Start with what comes naturally from you. Please don’t use words that make you (or your partner) uncomfortable; work your way up if you both want to.

There are usually two types of dirty talk: soft-core and hard-core.
Soft-core is obviously softer; this may include more sweet meanings, which makes it a very approachable and easy entry point for beginners. In the beginning, you simply stick to words that are familiar to you.

“I love you”
“You are beautiful”
“You look sexy”

Who says dirty talk during sex has to be vulgar?
Again, all this has to be comfortable for both of you. Then you gently and slowly add the more naughty words and phrases here and there during sex.

“I love the things you do with your tongue”
“You are the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen!”
“I want you”

In the end the words are just ways of connecting with one another. Most of our communication doesn’t work via the words you use – body language, the tone of your voice and facial expressions are way more important.

For the ones that wanna go more hard-core

You may include swear or slang words in your phrases. Your lover might positively freak out if you suddenly use the f-word especially if you hardly ever use it. Conscious dirty talk is like a secret you have with your sweetheart. Like a secret code, a code only both of you know.

Examples for more hard-core phrases:
“I want to lick your pussy”
“Fuck me in my ass”
“Spray your juice in my face” (in case your man is not a Tantric :-))

Another way of getting creative with dirty talk is describing what you feel during sex.

“You taste so good”
“Your skin is so soft”
“I feel hot”
“I feel turned on”
“Oh, that feels so good!”

Takeaway: It’s more important how you say it, than what you say. Don’t focus too much on the words you use, focus on how you say it and on your intention.

2. Listen to Your Partner


People are different. Sexual expressions are different. So are our desires. Some folks love dirty talk and it makes them crazily horny, others don’t like it at all. What’s important for you to know is that for the ones who enjoy it, the way they like it might vary. Some enjoy only the very soft-core vanilla like dirty talk. Some want it in their face, strong and hard. Others might get cooled off by the first f-word. So listen to your partner.

Dirty talk during sex is not about hurting anyone, it’s a mental flirt, a turn on. So before you go hard-core make 100% sure your significant other is actually into it. It’s sex play, not disrespect. Take it gradually and step-by-step.

This is really a creative process. Like an artist who is just starting out. In the beginning. your colors might be very gentle and vague, and the more you work on it the more colorful and confident your painting gets.

If you know what makes your partner hot, you feel more confident doing it. So simply ask them. It’s figureoutable (thanks Marie Forleo for this awesome expression).

Takeaway: Once you have your partner’s blessing, experiment and try things out. Ask dirty questions; maybe you feel like trying a roleplay that Seani Love shared in my Conscious BSDM podcast- pirate treasure hunt….

3. How to Talk Dirty Before Sex

So let’s get started. You are on a date with your sweetheart and it’s your weekly date night. Are you really going to talk about work? Or about what Aunt Sally cooked you for lunch? If you are planning on some seductive sentences make sure it fits into your conversation. Don’t talk about yourself too much, or your future plans or serious stuff if you are about to throw out some naughty words. Common sense!


How about you create a fantasy together, so while you are sitting in a restaurant, share something you would like to do to him or her. Maybe you are not wearing panties and you share your secret with him. Make it flirty, start with something softer and work your way up.

Like a female body, dirty talks needs enough warming up and teasing before she is ready and begging for more.

You can, for example, use names for your genitals that you like and turn you on. If you are at home giving him or her a massage, you can incorporate your dirty talk skills (Note: not in a Yoni Massage).

Takeaway: Gently warm up the conversation, tease each other, working your way up to make your mental flirting boil. So that you want each other so badly (mentally) that you are almost going crazy. If you are in a long-distance relationship, or you haven’t seen each other in a while, start the foreplay a day earlier via dirty talk. This is a great way to build each other’s sexual attraction and polarity.

4. Dirty Talk During Sex

This is where it gets hot. Talking dirty during sex can be highly explosive. Yes, especially for the guys. So ladies if you are about to talk naughty, know that they might come within milliseconds so make sure you’ve had your fun beforehand :-). A mental turn on is often harder to control than a physical turn on; that’s why if you partner doesn’t want to ejaculate, try to support him on this journey. Instead of making it harder for him.
Easy ways of starting with dirty talk during sex – make compliments. Say how much you love his cock, or how beautiful her vagina is. Say how much you love their hair. Any compliments are welcome.

The great thing about compliments is that they help insecure partners to feel more secure and relaxed. Yes, you’re welcome!

Once you feel confident, do dominate him or her with your words. You can command things (without being too mental and lecturing him). Use your sexy commanding voice to tell him exactly what he needs to do.


Instead of telling your partner what he is doing wrong, make suggestions about what he can do to you in a sexy voice.

Say your partner’s name. It’s an old-school trick, but the subconscious mind is highly awake. Watch your partner while you say his or her name…

Say that you are about to come. I, for example, have a code word for orgasm, which is simply “NOW”; this triggers the subconscious mind in me and by just saying it I usually come.

While you are doing all this, breathe deeply, have eye-contact and avoid any technical questions.

Start your sentences with “I”, and make clear how something makes you feel, it’s important to start from your point of view.

Takeaway: Don’t play the sinful dirty girl and lose the connection to yourself. Stay in your body.
Use the words you feel comfortable using and make sure every new step you take is not too far from your comfort zone, but be confident, what is there to lose, if you can trust your partner?

5. Where Are the Limits?

Make sure that derogatory words like “slut” or “cunt” are only used if your partner agrees to them. Cause they might end up as an insult, with a total buzzkill and hurtful feelings even though you didn’t mean it that way. The best way of figuring that out is to talk about dirty words you don’t want to use (not while you’re having sex, but at random, neutral moments during your day).

Share your intention, repeat it and make sure it is aligned to your partner’s expectations.

Again: It’s sex play, not disrespect, it’s about how you say it, not what you say.

Takeaway: Feel free to experiment, but also communicate your own limits and stand up for yourself if you feel it’s getting too much for you.

Final sexy words
Conscious dirty talk during sex is skillful flirting with presence. It’s about how to talk “dirty” to the one you love with love. And stay true to yourself so that your words come from an authentic and heartful place. Without hurting anyone, instead making your significant other hot and excited.

If you want to go deeper into your relationship, make sure you get in touch with your own fantasies & desires first. So that you’ll be able to communicate them to your partner. Nourish your self-love to be more confident when it comes to sex, and find your own unique „love language“.

About the author

Mariah Freya

Mariah Freya is a sex & orgasm coach, urban goddess and founder of Beducated.com. She opens up the topic of sexuality in all its diversity through her videos, articles and online courses. Mariah has a powerful global mission: Liberating sexuality from below the belly button up, and helping the individual grow through pleasure into fulfilment.

Don’t know how to talk about sex? Play Desire Match Quiz!