Mariah approached me asking if I could write a bit of a more extensive answer to the issue of death grip – because it is asked for again and again. Here’s my experience from a man’s perspective:
Fact is: many men lose sensitivity in their penis. Which sadly enough seems a bit like a cure for the other most famous men’s syndrome: premature ejaculation (PE). But guys, let’s not accept this as a solution at all. We do want to last long, but we also do want to have the full pleasure while we’re lasting amazingly long, don’t we? Would be a fun killer if not.
This desensitization also called “death grip” sneaks in when you’re on your own, masturbating. That’s why the following tips unavoidably enter your bedroom. Or are we talking about the desk?
You might also enjoy:
- Tantric Ejaculation Control: Learn to Cum When *You* Want To
- Yoni Massage – Give Your Partner Deep Orgasms
- 10 Kick-ass Tantra Books to Enlighten Your Knowledge on Conscious Sexuality
Mistake 1: Not using lubrication
Treat yourself, use some lube. It feels better. And it does have fewer negative effects because you don’t have to grip your dick so hard. In times of fast food masturbation it’s also a nice side effect that it actually takes some time to prepare, and makes a bit more of a mess. If you’re there, all lubed up, you might not want to finish after three minutes already.
I recommend gentle natural oils or natural lubricants.
- Coconut Oil (only for a massage & hand job)
- Almond Oil (only for a massage & hand job)
- Organic water-based lubricants for your toys:
- Non plant based oils like “baby oil”
- Conventional water-based lubrication (consist of chemicals that are unhealthy for sperm)
- Silicone based lubricant as it breaks down your toys and is hard to get off
Mistake 2: Not using toys
Let’s face it: sexual liberation of society might not be completely there yet. While it’s accepted for women to have all kinds of dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, sybians, fucking machines, anal beads, … it’s still quite weird for a man to own a rubber pussy. But I’d say it’s very much alright as long as you don’t fall in love with “her”, and still keep looking out for the real deal. Especially as it can help you become more sensitive: the joy doesn’t come only from the applied pressure, but from the actual sensation.
Fleshlights are quite popular. And good, oh I’m a fan (note: not in love!). They come in various styles, simulating vaginal, anal, oral sex, and even sex with aliens. Choose whatever does the job for you, but make sure not to choose a too tight or too intense sleeve (that’s what they call the “vaginal channels” you can chose from). Remember, you want to feel it and even increase sensitivity, not dull your nerves.
Personally I like it to be a simulation for real vaginal sex. For this the “lotus” sleeve is ideal. On top of that I choose it to look like Stoya’s pussy. Because I can!
Even though it’s quite a high tech device (what a nice plastic it is!), the usage is astoundingly instinctual: lube that thing up (water based lubes only) and pound it. The nice thing is that it can be used very differently from the normal jerking off movement: you can put it in-between pillows and have a much more realistic training scenario for sexual intercourse. While that might sound weird for some, it does rewire your brain: pleasure is not only connected to that dumb stroking motion anymore. That brings us to the next mistake:
Mistake 3: Teaching your brain to like the wrong things
You do have a big influence on how your brain is wired. It’s a tool after all, which is able to adapt to a lot of situations. And if you teach it that it’s hot sitting in a very bad posture in your office chair, doing a simple stroking motion while watching at [insert your fetish here]… it’ll accept that. After a while at least.
Don’t get me wrong – this is not going to be a rant against porn. I enjoy watching it too. And it does not destroy any potential for having deep, meaningful and profound sexual connection with others… when done right!
Porn is like fast food. It’s nice to watch porn from time to time, but deep within we all know that we shouldn’t have it too often. So for most of us that means decreasing and controlling the consumption a bit more. Not just following every first itch down there. So doing it on a less frequent basis is beneficial (once a week currently works wonderfully for me). PS – you might want to choose feminist porn in the future.
The second thing most of us can keep working on is how we’re consuming it. Let’s do it more consciously. So no, this is not about punishing us in any way, it’s actually pretty nice. E.g.: having a bath before, making it comfortable in bed (read: not desk), using lubrication… the whole thing. Celebrate it!
Over time our brain will associate being in bed and celebrating naked bodies is supposed to be a pleasure, not the quick wank in the chair. And trust me, that’ll be rewarded with a lot of joy and sensation during intercourse.
Mistake 4: Not receiving lingam massages
I tried describing things like “watching less porn” quite beautifully. The practice can be a bit harder than you might expect. But this one here doesn’t have any negative side at all, I promise.
You should get your dick massaged. Tell your girl I said so.
The lingam (Sanskrit for penis) massage is quite famous in the Tantric tradition and quite underestimated in our society (same with the Yoni massage). Mariah wrote an excellent article about lingam massage, so I just have to make the connection to preventing and curing death grip here.
We men are too dick focused. And we’re even too stroke and friction focused when it comes to our dicks. The only thing we’re looking for is that stroking motion. A lingam massage is supposed to bring awareness (1) into all parts of your body, and (2) make your penis more sensitive to other movements. So it is a full body massage, including your genital area. There are quite good [training videos available], but I highly recommend trying out a professional. Book two sessions with your local Tantra massage studio: the first one you attend alone, and for the second one your partner joins you, watches and learns (make sure the studio allows that, and look for another if they don’t).
If it’s impossible to find such services in the area you live in, choose your holiday destinations to be close to tantric environments. There are many people offering those kinds of massages in spiritual hot spots around the globe, e.g. in southern Thailand, Bali, California… Get in touch if you want to know more.
Please don’t mix this up with prostitution or such services. It’s a very therapeutic thing actually (the Yoni massage is even more so) , and there is no intercourse or ejaculation happening. And it can definitely help to cure death grip – which is why we’re here!
Mistake 5: Ejaculating too often
That’s a huge topic, and this is not the right point to go too much into too many details here. However, I’d like to encourage you to consider it as a possibility for experiencing the death grip. The discourse originates in Tantric and Taoist teachings, and very much in common sense. Try it: don’t ejaculate for one week and see what it feels like sleeping with your partner. It’s like fireworks down there, also before the actual orgasm(s).
The traditional teachings from the “sex masters” go very far when it comes to that: from never ejaculating at all in Tantra (multiple internal orgasms instead) to formulas on how often to ejaculate depending on your age from the Taoists. It is highly inspiring digging into that subject, but feels too off-topic for this article. [Mantak Chia’s book] is a good starter if you feel inspired.
For preventing and curing death grip we can summarize: ejaculate less. Let the pressure build up.
The Death Grip Cure
If you’re already in a state where you can hardly orgasm by vaginal or oral stimulation, but need to use your hands for the final steps, consider undertaking the following one month program:
- Stop masturbating completely for two weeks. Also, don’t watch any porn.
- Massage your penis every 3-4 days or have it massaged. With lots of oil. No masturbation strokes! Only a little pressure! No ejaculation!
- Ejaculate not more than once per week (and only during intercourse, not while masturbating/stroking).
- Get a Fleshlight and use it for masturbation after the initial two week break.
- Let Mariah know how it went!
Good luck gentlemen. Our women will thank us!