Domination & Submission – Why Tantric Folks Should Give Conscious BDSM a Try

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Olajumoke Adeyemo

Nothing like a bit of BDSM (bondage, domination and sadomasochism) to get everyone with an opinion (ie: everyone) waxing lyrical about the rights and wrongs of a good consensual arse-spanking session. Even in this sexually enlightened age, if we began discussing being confined in a latex gimp outfit, or the advantages of having hot wax slowly dripped from a candle onto your genitals, we would probably be here for hours.

Most of us have heard about Fifty Shades of Grey. I haven’t read the book or watched the movie — I’ve had better things to do, and other experiences to enjoy. But whatever my time constraints and reading preferences, I’m delighted that BDSM can now be talked about openly at the dinner table. I could be wrong, but I doubt whether the author has given any emphasis to the positively spiritual aspects that arise from submission and domination, or how taking and giving control can be a deeply enjoyable way to reach greater spiritual heights.

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Most of us have an internal marker relating to what turns us on sexually, and what freaks us out. In the right time and place, and with the right person or people, it is sometimes possible to test those boundaries. Repetition can be a lust killer, so a bit of variety, excitement, and sexploration can be good for the soul. Just a little reminder first though — and I apologize if I’m preaching to the converted, but this reminder is imperative for self-explanatory reasons:

Before you get to cracking your whip and handcuffing your “slave” to the bedposts, or putting that large, coconut oil-coated cucumber to alternative use, always agree a “safe word” that all participants should use.

The safe word stops sex play immediately, for whatever reason, from too much pain to too much pleasure (if there is such a thing), or even just because one of you needs to collect the kids from school. The word is agreed before play starts, by all parties concerned. Pick a word that cannot possibly be mistaken for part of the sex-game vocabulary; something like “cabbage” or “daffodils” usually does the trick.

The Dom

If you are the dominant partner in this scenario (usually referred to as the dom) you have the power to guide and orchestrate your submissive partner’s highs and lows by your actions and words. You fire up your submissive partner (or sub) and excite him or her. You only have control because they allow it. You’re engaged in a contract based on trust and intimacy, and things may become light or heavy depending on what you both desire. You can find ways to take your sub to the very limit of what they can tolerate. The idea is not to be a power crazy megalomaniac, but to consciously and carefully play with their mind, their pain threshold, and their orgasm control, and to monitor your own reactions at the same time.

Your sub knows that you are conscious of the effect of your words and actions. You can guide their sexual experience, so they have the opportunity to make that connection with the Infinite. You allow them to experience being on that cliff edge because both of you know that this environment is safe and secure.

What a beautiful job description you have!

The Sub

As the submissive partner who has these experiences, you learn to embrace the uncertainty. Varying levels of bliss can be reached as you let go while — temporarily — allowing someone else to take charge of your pleasure and pain.
Being able to relax and breath, while pain or pleasure is being administrated in conscious BDSM, can be a meditative experience. There is no getting away from being locked at the moment when your body is tingling, your senses are alert, and you don’t know what is coming next. To be able to inhale, exhale and remain connected through this intense process is centering and grounding.

A “good” sub, accepts everything dealt out by a trusted dom. Acceptance is a good thing in this instance because — as all the wise books tell us — what is, just is. Some things cannot be changed, so there is no point getting stressed because things aren’t going your way, the stinging nettles are stinging more than you imagined, the ice cubes in your pussy are making you numb, and you are not being allowed to have the orgasm you think you are due.

The secret for both dom and sub is to remain conscious and present at all times, and also to recognize that conscious BDSM is all consensual play.

Role reversal

Reversing roles can also increase the fun, because being a good sub can also mean being a good dom and vice versa. Empathy is important for both roles, and part of the process is about understanding the experience from the other side. One may have a personal preference, but it’s always good to know how the other party feels – whether you are being fed strawberries while blindfolded (yes, we remember that movie) or wrapping your partner from neck to toe in clingfilm with gaps in appropriate places that can be teased with your tongue.

Of course, power play in sexual encounters doesn’t always have to be sub- and dom-related. Flexibility is essential, and whatever you’re both comfortable with will work. “Consensual” is the key word.

Conscious BDSM is a safe environment where we can learn about giving, accepting, taking control, being responsible and letting go. It includes elements also found in most spiritual teachings, which is why some folks treat their weekly trip to the dungeon in the same way that others treat church or tai chi.

If, as individuals, we lean towards either submission or domination, it may be so that we can pursue and enjoy those particular sexual experiences that help us on our karmic path to enlightenment. We have evolved to learn, play and have fun while giving and receiving all kinds of carnal pleasures; that may be the divine plan, or just evolutionary good luck. Whichever it is, exploring our sexuality while learning about trust, intimacy, acceptance, and responsibility is far too good an opportunity to miss.


 

About the author

Olajumoke Adeyemo

Olajumoke Adeyemo

Jumoke likes writing articles about sexual exploration, spirituality, and fun.
She is a qualified sexual health teacher and has taught sexual health in schools, colleges, and adult workshops. She has been active in a variety of sexual communities for a number of decades.
She practices yoga and meditation regularly, believes in karma, rides a bike, takes long walks, and likes dogs. She also swears like a sailor, gives great full-body hugs, and smiles a lot. She currently lives in London.