8 Ways to Shiva-up Your Boyfriend

shiva up
Written by Mangala Holland

Social media is full of blogs and memes about “empowered Goddesses” demanding a king/warrior, asking Shiva to step up and meet them in their full Shakti. I get it, I really do. A strong man who can handle a strong woman is a very attractive prospect indeed.

But here’s the thing- the men in our lives already are our kings and warriors, and it’s actually our feminine perspective that needs to change. If you’re not actually making a conscious effort to lovingly cultivate this, what you’re doing is actually emasculating the men in your life (and not just your partner but your dad, brothers and friends).

You’re putting these guys down, creating emotional performance anxiety and making them feel small.

How are they then expected to meet you in your full glory? Have you thought about the pain and wounding you might be contributing to the collective masculine?

Women have undergone huge evolution and revolution in recent years- the feminist movement opened many doors for us, and although there’s still a long way to go in terms of equality of pay and career glass ceilings, on the whole we’re now encouraged to have it all. Women are rocking it in all walks of life, which is awesome- but men have been left unsure where they fit into this. If we can do and have everything, how can we experience and maintain polarity with the masculine?

Where are we creating the space for us to receive their king energy?

Many of us emasculate men and don’t even realise we’re doing it. Which is tragic, because it’s one of the quickest ways to destroy a relationship (and destroy his confidence in the bedroom).

Expecting our men to step up without actively supporting them in their endeavours can often do more harm than good. And if we’re guilty of doing this to one man then we’re probably doing this to the others in our lives.

A couple of years ago I was in a Tantra workshop with an equal number of men and women from my community. The facilitator asked the men to go and stand next to the woman who made them feel the most masculine. I ended up with a crowd of men stood around me- it was quite a scene! And they weren’t all my lovers (unfortunately), but friends and colleagues.

These men appreciated how I communicated with them, and how I made them feel.

Ready to empower your warrior?

I didn’t always have a crowd of men around me. I’ve been guilty of putting them down too. I remember someone pointing out to me that my demanding a strong man in my life was actually coming from my ego and that I should take a long, hard look at myself.

Often we unconsciously act out of habit and from patterns picked up from other women (mothers, sisters, and friends), without realising the damage we cause. I was horrified how I’d treated the men in my life once I became aware of this, and watched with awe how quickly they responded to some simple yet effective changes in my approach. I’ve seen men almost literally grow taller and stronger in front of my eyes when I approach them with the right attitude.

If you’re not building him up, you’re putting him down.



Interrupting him!

Men don’t use as many words as women (some studies say 13,000 less words per day! Yes, really!). Let him speak, and give him time to express what’s on his mind. He’s not simple, he’s probably finding the best way to articulate what’s going on. Sit tight, be patient and wait for the gold.

Putting him on a love diet.

This is relationship-suicide. If you give him the silent treatment or starve him of sex it’s the equivalent of punishing him like he’s a bad puppy that pooped on the floor. Do you want a puppy or a hero? I know one couple where the woman gave her partner the silent treatment for a day…and he didn’t even notice! Rest assured this is a recipe for disaster and it’s going to backfire badly!

Hitting him where it hurts.

We all have our weak spots and insecurities- none of us are perfect. It really sucks when someone you love points them out frequently. If you criticise all the time he’s going to feel deflated and stop trying to make you happy. Because he does want to make you happy- that’s what makes him feel great. So whether it’s physical insecurities or his behaviour- stop rubbing salt into his wounds.

Subtly rejecting him & his offerings.

Isn’t it wonderful to be an independent, powerhouse Goddess who can stride through life fully empowered? But every time you utter the words “its ok I can do it myself” you’re emasculating him. He’s offering his help (because it makes him feel great to help you) and when you reject him you’re denying him that opportunity. Even if you think you can do better yourself, let him provide what he’s offering. Give yourself permission to receive his gifts!

Warriors need encouragement.



Showing and voicing your appreciation.

How often to you actually tell him the things you admire and appreciate? Don’t assume he already knows- speak up! Acknowledging the day-to-day stuff goes a long way to making a man feel wanted and loved. Every man is a master in some areas of his life. Tell him what you admire most and give him the opportunity to receive your approval.

Transfigure him.

The Tantric principle of Transfiguration means to see the Divine in another. Are you constantly seeing him as the best, average or worst version of himself? I firmly believe that all men have an inner King- see that King, talk to that King, and see who responds.

Giving him space.

The masculine and feminine think and behave differently. One of the best things you can do to maintain polarity (that magnetic attraction between yin and yang) is to just let him do his thing. This might mean giving him time and space to decompress on his own after a day at work, it might mean accepting he’s going into a meditation retreat instead of spending time with you, or it might mean he emotionally withdraws after intimacy.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you- he’s in his “cave” and he’ll come back to you when he’s good and ready, charged up and enthusiastic.

Empowering him sexually.

This is a big one- it’s all too easy to emasculate a man in bed. Tell him what he’s doing well- appreciate him and give him positive feedback. I recommend being physically generous and taking the time to love and admire his whole body (yes, guys have body image issues too).

There’s loads of Tantric and Taoist techniques that can help him spread his energy so he can last longer- have fun exploring these together. Be supportive and try not to emotionally shut down if he loses if he loses his erection or cums too soon.

A word of warning though- these 8 steps should never, ever, ever be used for manipulation. He’ll notice, and so will everyone else around you.

All the men in your life are capable of stepping into their Shiva nature, embracing their inner warrior, and being your king. In fact, they already are. Are you open to see it? Shift your perspective- all it takes is to worship them, adore them and to see them as the divine beings they truly are.

About the author

Mangala Holland

The founder of MysticSex.com, Mangala facilitates Tantric rituals and workshops and is a Tantric coach and bodyworker. She teaches worldwide, primarily in Australia, Thailand, the USA, India and Mexico. She teaches everything from traditional Tantric theory to transformational femininity to anal sex, and everything in between!

Her mission is to empower people to embrace their sexuality without guilt or shame. She believes that with the purest of intentions, sexual energy can be harnessed for our personal growth and spiritual evolution, and teaches in a no-nonsense, accessible style.

Check out Mangala's website

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