My Secret to Being Orgasmic…
I have to be honest with you, I’ve never really had trouble having an orgasm. Even when my life was not really orgasmic, in the bedroom, I was still able to get mine. In a recent survey from Cosmo, only 57% of the 2300 women they questioned said they usually have an orgasm when they have sex with their partner, in comparison to 95% of men.
In another study carried out over eighty years by author Elisabeth Lloyd of Harvard University Press, it was found that only 25% of women orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, leaving a whopping 75% of women hanging out to dry (pun intended).
Cosmo also says 67% of women are faking it, yes fellas, check your woman, she may be putting on a show.
As a sacred sexuality teacher, it might be a better narrative to say I was completely non-orgasmic until I discovered Tantra, but that would be completely untrue. I have always been apart of that 25% who climaxed on a regular basis when having sex. This fact seems to boggle the mind of some of the women I coach. Women who are smart, beautiful and sexy, yet still rarely, if ever reach climax.
When I tell them the age at which I began to experience orgasm, they are even more shocked.
So I’d like to share with you the secret to why I think I’ve always been orgasmic, and how my journey to regular climax began. I’m almost afraid to admit it, because it seems quite weird for me to even say this, but I was…four years old.
No, I was not sexually abused or molested. In fact, I was reveling in my innocence. My innocent hands explored my body and realized that when I touched certain places I felt good. Well, really good. As I touched myself, my body became arrested by some type of pleasurable explosion. I disintegrated into bliss. I had no idea what this was. I barely started kindergarten so I didn’t know much, but I knew that after I did this thing that made me feel good, I slept very well.
This would go on for some time until I learned what masturbation was, or as it was said in my ‘hood, “playing with yourself.” Then I began to become ashamed of what I was doing. I thought it was a sin. I would still occasionally do it anyway because well…it felt good.
When middle school hit, I was having full-blown sexual fantasies about Mr. Dalvin from Jodeci. In high school, I had all type of imaginary affairs and liaisons with boys I had crushes on, but was too shy to ever speak a word to.
At 18, I had never even kissed a boy, nor came close to having a boyfriend, but had this very rich internal sexual life. On the outside, I was Ms. Bookworm and a Jesus bible thumper, but on the inside, I was Cinemax-after-dark-soft porn.
At the age of 21 (yes 21) when I began having real life sex with my now ex-husband, reaching climax wasn’t an issue, it was a give in. I had already spent seventeen years exploring and pleasuring my own body.
After my divorce, I had a real sexual awakening as I began to make love to other men. (This is where the real fun began!) While sex in my marriage had become “hurry up and finish”, I got to explore the full spectrum of love making from cosmically spectacular, to plain wack. However, for the most part, I could readily achieve orgasm. If a man finished before me, I wouldn’t let him get off the hook with any lack of reciprocation.
The rare times when it may have been challenging for me to reach orgasm was because I didn’t feel connected to the man. If I’m not connected, then chances are I don’t feel safe. If I don’t feel safe then I can’t relax. If I can’t relax, I can’t orgasm.
So, based on my unique experience of simultaneously being a late bloomer, while have a highly erotic nature, I offer some tips on becoming orgasmic.
1. Self pleasure.
If you don’t know how to please you, how can you guide a man to? I spent 17 years learning to how bring my body to climax. However, climax wasn’t the goal. I didn’t even know what an orgasm was when I started having them. I did it for the pleasure of the experience. Allow yourself to enjoy the experience of exploring your body for the pleasure of it.
2. Choose a partner who values you and you feel connected to.
The first person I ever had sex with became my husband. While, I am not advocating no sex until married, I think it did make a difference in my sexual imprint having my first sexual experience with a man who loved, valued and respected me. If your first sexual experience was not one of value and connection, or if it was traumatic, there are ways to heal this and have a healthy orgasmic sexual life (see step 4).
Moving forward, only allow partners who value you and respect you to enter your sacred temple.
Be sure you feel safe and relaxed with the person you’re intimate with, or else reaching orgasm will be extremely difficult.
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3. Make sure you are ready for intercourse.
There’s a Taoist saying that a woman’s sexual energy is like a pot of water that must be made to boil, while men come hot and ready. You need foreplay to get your waters boiling before he enters you. Don’t ever allow penetration before you are ready. If number 2 is in effect, this won’t be a problem.
Your partner will want to please you and get you ready to receive him. Sometimes though, a man simply will have no clue unless you tell him. Advocate for your pleasure and make sure them waters are boiling.
4. Study sacred sex.
Even though I never had trouble with reaching climax, when I began to study the ancient secrets of Tantra and Taoist sexual energy cultivation, my sex went to a whole other level, both by myself and with my partners. I became able to circulate orgasmic energy throughout my entire body. I climax in every cell of my being. I also started to attract different kinds of partners. Men who are able to make love to my entire being, body, mind and soul.
The study of sacred sexuality also will help heal and liberate you from sexual traumas and negative sexual imprints.
Before you even begin to deal with cultivating sexual energy, you need to clear out blockages and release pain and traumas (unfortunately, many sacred sex “teachers” leave this important step out). As you release the pain of the past, you will unblock your bliss and make space energetically to receive more pleasure, and your orgasmic potential will expand.
Tapping into your sexual energy has tremendous power to heal and liberate you. This is why it is so vital to my work as a coach and teacher.
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